To describe what I feel today seems to be a challenge right now. I am not familiar with anger. I don’t know how to handle it and struggle with the interpretation of it. Right now I am very frustrated and angry. Why? If I had the answer I wouldn’t be mulling it out on the paper right now.
So many things are on my plate everyday along with the vault of goals I continue to strive for. I can’t do it anymore. One by one things are going to be scrapped from my oversized dinner plate. I am exhausted and failing. Others may say no, but my heart screams YES!
I am human and my biggest critic is myself. I have worried so much about what others think about me or what others will say about my actions. Really, who cares? The fault comes from within--begins with the ever-dying need for my father’s acceptance and ends with the lack of confidence for myself. Do I blame him….no, it was MY need to feel acceptance or a sense of pride from him. Confidence, I question the right to feel I should have any with the experiences I have endured. It doesn’t matter anymore because at the end of the day my father and I don’t talk while the judgment I feel is vaulted from myself.
What DO I see when I look in the mirror?
Physically, I see the woman that I was six months ago lying in a hospital bed frightened of the future. I see the heavier version of me that began 30 plus pounds ago. I search for the beauty that others express I have and come up empty handed. Emotionally, I see a young woman that is lost, uneducated, and doomed. I see a failure. I see two marriages lived and lost. I see a cascade of tears. I see no confidence. I see a dim future…I feel defeated.
What SHOULD I see when I look in the mirror?
I can’t say for sure what I should see. I can relay the words I have heard and I can express the essence I attempt to carry on the outside. I should see strength, determination, and the fight for survival. I should see the radiant smile and a professional posture. I should see the positive I bring to this world…I should feel proud.
Pushing myself is what I have always prided myself on. I work very hard for everything; I created a stamina that would take me to success. The race is always 90% mental and 10% physical ability. I feel the weight of it all and I struggle with the encapsulated emotion. Shouldn’t this goddamn cycle have left by now? The ups, the downs…the entire journey is terrifying and the experience is exhausting. The wells haven’t dried up and the emotion continues to flow from my eyes. I want this over…I want to live without pain, struggle, and doubt. My life, I want my life back!
Right now my mind races. Today I had a bridal shower in celebration of an upcoming wedding in the family. The beauty of a couple uniting and pledging the deepest of love that binds a foundation to a marriage has always moved me. Along with our family’s blessing I will be in the attendance of two other weddings within the same month, one of which is for a dear friend of mine’s special occasion. Honestly, my heart wants to explode. I heave with sadness, disappointment, and question. My marriage has crumbled and the deep connection continues to drift. I become angry with him, why…why did he do this to me, why wouldn't he just stop!
All in the same moment I am deeply angry and heartbroken. I slouch with defeat and given in to the river of sadness that rolls down my cheeks. Sobs of failure escape my throat. I want to let go and just wake up as this all feels like a nightmare. Frustration shakes me as I resist the urge to clear my desk with the swipe of my arm.
When does it stop? When does the pain go away? Love, what is love? Does it exist? I have given up. The entire fairytale is just that, a fictitious story with a main character other than myself. I gave into love, I embraced it with all I had, and made sure he knew I loved him everyday. As I drove through the park today there was an outdoor wedding and in my rearview mirror I said my good-bye to that dream. No white dress, no vows, no romantic kiss, no first dance…it isn’t in the cards for me and it never will be. I don’t think I can love again as my heart is empty. Love…a word with no meaning.
Vulnerability no more…Empty efforts
~Nina~
June 19, 2010
June 17, 2010
What is Wrong…Sadness Why
Some days I feel very much alone. It seems to be the nature of the beast. I lose all confidence that I am ok and just end up consumed with a short-term bout of sadness. Today I feel like I am standing still as the avenues of life have everything zipping on by all around me. Having to be on crutches isn’t helping. My mobility is limited, my motivation dying, and the feeling of isolation sets in. Lesson learned, if you take things for granted you don’t realize the true value until you have lost it.
I never got married to watch it crumble. I worked very hard for this union, for this man. I never took for granted that my vows would present to me a lifetime of vast happiness and limited struggle. I went into this knowing that the venture would require work, sacrifices, and determination. What I didn’t realize however no matter how much devotion or effort I put in, this was still a partnership and it must contain both parties trudging the trenches together. If the effort wasn’t matched…if there wasn’t an underlying mutual respect, then I wouldn’t be able to keep this operation afloat alone.
Do I wonder? Yes. Do I mourn? Yes. Do I breakdown? Yes. This is very difficult to go through. Regardless, I love him. Even months of separation and times of silence…the emotion is there. I will stare at pictures and my awareness becomes clouded while my vision hazed with tears. I have silenced my communication of this to others. Judgment, people have expressed that it should be easy to move forward as he abused me and how could there be an attachment. “Why doesn’t she just tell him to stop,” a phrase I have overheard. I have tried and honestly I begged God to bring this nightmare to a halt. I have asked to be wake up with the hopes of having all I dreamt of.
Being alone has taught me so much about myself. Furthermore, it has brought unlimited knowledge about life. I will fidget with my ring finger as the status of being single is devastating. When I pledged, “I do,” there was not a sliver of hesitation. Now the mere idea of commitment raises levels of anxiety. Last weekend I asked someone how to do it, how to interpret it. Moving forward was the advice or expression. For five days I have thought about the entire conversation. Apprehension, I carry a nervousness as trusting is difficult for me. My approach is to moving forward I decided is going to be living. I am going to enjoy my time and embrace every opportunity of adventure I can find.
Some days I know my confidence will be less than others. I will always walk with composure and a collective stature of strength, but inside will speak the true emotion. I recognize today for what it is…I accept the sadness while allowing my emotion flow down my face.
The following is a verse from my heart. I reached out to every out let I had and each time I turned I encountered nothing. Standing before the mirror I looked at the woman staring back at me. There will be days like today and they will be around for a while…
Ever felt oh so very alone, Yes, absolutely very much…With isolation on this day, Struggle, no emotional crutch…To reach for help please, Heartache and great pain…All avenues pursued for sure, The tear rolls from strain…Standing still all whips by, Loneliness my soul does tug…Looking around emptiness found, All I would need is a hug
Hand above my heart…Love within of myself
~Nina~
I never got married to watch it crumble. I worked very hard for this union, for this man. I never took for granted that my vows would present to me a lifetime of vast happiness and limited struggle. I went into this knowing that the venture would require work, sacrifices, and determination. What I didn’t realize however no matter how much devotion or effort I put in, this was still a partnership and it must contain both parties trudging the trenches together. If the effort wasn’t matched…if there wasn’t an underlying mutual respect, then I wouldn’t be able to keep this operation afloat alone.
Do I wonder? Yes. Do I mourn? Yes. Do I breakdown? Yes. This is very difficult to go through. Regardless, I love him. Even months of separation and times of silence…the emotion is there. I will stare at pictures and my awareness becomes clouded while my vision hazed with tears. I have silenced my communication of this to others. Judgment, people have expressed that it should be easy to move forward as he abused me and how could there be an attachment. “Why doesn’t she just tell him to stop,” a phrase I have overheard. I have tried and honestly I begged God to bring this nightmare to a halt. I have asked to be wake up with the hopes of having all I dreamt of.
Being alone has taught me so much about myself. Furthermore, it has brought unlimited knowledge about life. I will fidget with my ring finger as the status of being single is devastating. When I pledged, “I do,” there was not a sliver of hesitation. Now the mere idea of commitment raises levels of anxiety. Last weekend I asked someone how to do it, how to interpret it. Moving forward was the advice or expression. For five days I have thought about the entire conversation. Apprehension, I carry a nervousness as trusting is difficult for me. My approach is to moving forward I decided is going to be living. I am going to enjoy my time and embrace every opportunity of adventure I can find.
Some days I know my confidence will be less than others. I will always walk with composure and a collective stature of strength, but inside will speak the true emotion. I recognize today for what it is…I accept the sadness while allowing my emotion flow down my face.
The following is a verse from my heart. I reached out to every out let I had and each time I turned I encountered nothing. Standing before the mirror I looked at the woman staring back at me. There will be days like today and they will be around for a while…
Ever felt oh so very alone, Yes, absolutely very much…With isolation on this day, Struggle, no emotional crutch…To reach for help please, Heartache and great pain…All avenues pursued for sure, The tear rolls from strain…Standing still all whips by, Loneliness my soul does tug…Looking around emptiness found, All I would need is a hug
Hand above my heart…Love within of myself
~Nina~
June 15, 2010
Difficult Day…Hovering Gloom
I am exhausted with emotion, with an endless list of chores, and of efforts to prevail. Today was a day filled with extreme difficulty. Many things venture through my mind, but the answers I seek truly will not benefit me in anyway.
Injury…I am suffering a physical injury on top of the emotional whirlwind. The devastation of the not being able to run the half marathon I have been training for has been of great strife. I will not heal fast enough and ironically I am left to realize that just as a torn quad muscle will need tender, love, and care…time of great recovery, so will my heart. I want this all to go away right now, but the pain and the suffrage doesn’t and won’t just evaporate.
A person, that I hold high respect for, initiated conversation with me tonight. “You are young and have much to offer.” This statement mulls around in my mind. I do have time, I don’t need to solve this today or tomorrow. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can wonder about love or survival, but maybe I just need to relax and know that this isn’t something I should fret over. It isn’t that I am searching for love, I am searching for self-actualization. I am hoping to connect with myself and embrace a strength of great independence.
I am going to go to bed tonight and rest my internal struggles. I recognize the darkness of a depression that is pressing. I will keep holding on to who I am and where I want to go. I am not going to be timid of the demon fighting for my soul…I am going to stand up and defend my honor. I will embrace the need to experience the lows so that I can appreciate the elevations.
Goodnight darling…Believe within
~Nina~
Injury…I am suffering a physical injury on top of the emotional whirlwind. The devastation of the not being able to run the half marathon I have been training for has been of great strife. I will not heal fast enough and ironically I am left to realize that just as a torn quad muscle will need tender, love, and care…time of great recovery, so will my heart. I want this all to go away right now, but the pain and the suffrage doesn’t and won’t just evaporate.
A person, that I hold high respect for, initiated conversation with me tonight. “You are young and have much to offer.” This statement mulls around in my mind. I do have time, I don’t need to solve this today or tomorrow. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can wonder about love or survival, but maybe I just need to relax and know that this isn’t something I should fret over. It isn’t that I am searching for love, I am searching for self-actualization. I am hoping to connect with myself and embrace a strength of great independence.
I am going to go to bed tonight and rest my internal struggles. I recognize the darkness of a depression that is pressing. I will keep holding on to who I am and where I want to go. I am not going to be timid of the demon fighting for my soul…I am going to stand up and defend my honor. I will embrace the need to experience the lows so that I can appreciate the elevations.
Goodnight darling…Believe within
~Nina~
June 14, 2010
To Fight or To Surrender
There was lots of weight today. My mind wandered with all that I have to do, haven’t done, and should do. Goals, obligations, responsibilities, dreams…they are all intermixing and my shoulders want to give out. Today I dropped to one knee and struggled to regain the power to keep my white flag from waving. Depression does sneak up while asking me to offer my hand. Leaving dreams behind, I want to just walk away and settle with the idea that I cannot achieve much more than my current status.
My phone rang and the number I recognized. I was afraid of the conversation and I truly was giving up. The voice on the other end was inspiring yet a struggle for me to take in. The tears flowed as I was surrendering to the darkness that lurked behind me and this person was reaching out to help me. “You can do this…you are a fighter…I know you are,” a few phrases that were expressed several times within the conversation and left me wondering, questioning my own heart…my strengths.
Can I do this? I fought it. The words of, “No, I can’t,” continued to recite. No one understands what the average helping of life I get daily. This obesity of stress that clogs my arteries is going to kill me someday. I had the urge to jump on the bandwagon and agree with this person, but also giving up was an attractive option. Eventually they broke the hold and were able to pull me up. I found myself saying, “I will try…all I can do is try.” I may never hold great success in the standards of this society, but damn-it I will try.
Am I a fighter? Digging deep, searching for the flicker of determination isn’t easy everyday. Some days I feel that if it was completely snuffed then life would be simpler. Clawing my way out of a void isn’t a hobby and at times hanging out in an abyss of darkness would involve less energy. “You are a fighter…I have watched you before.” This person had more confidence in me that I have in myself. Am I? Will I? I have to fight; I have to give it everything I have and more for my children’s sakes. I will fight until there is nothing left.
Yes, no doubt today was difficult for me. Several times I wanted to call it quits, but at the end of the day my internal flame is dim, but not gone. Again I have to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. Waking will give me different opportunities and new focus. Tonight I will rest my head and pray.
Doubt may have captured…Victory not gained
~Nina~
My phone rang and the number I recognized. I was afraid of the conversation and I truly was giving up. The voice on the other end was inspiring yet a struggle for me to take in. The tears flowed as I was surrendering to the darkness that lurked behind me and this person was reaching out to help me. “You can do this…you are a fighter…I know you are,” a few phrases that were expressed several times within the conversation and left me wondering, questioning my own heart…my strengths.
Can I do this? I fought it. The words of, “No, I can’t,” continued to recite. No one understands what the average helping of life I get daily. This obesity of stress that clogs my arteries is going to kill me someday. I had the urge to jump on the bandwagon and agree with this person, but also giving up was an attractive option. Eventually they broke the hold and were able to pull me up. I found myself saying, “I will try…all I can do is try.” I may never hold great success in the standards of this society, but damn-it I will try.
Am I a fighter? Digging deep, searching for the flicker of determination isn’t easy everyday. Some days I feel that if it was completely snuffed then life would be simpler. Clawing my way out of a void isn’t a hobby and at times hanging out in an abyss of darkness would involve less energy. “You are a fighter…I have watched you before.” This person had more confidence in me that I have in myself. Am I? Will I? I have to fight; I have to give it everything I have and more for my children’s sakes. I will fight until there is nothing left.
Yes, no doubt today was difficult for me. Several times I wanted to call it quits, but at the end of the day my internal flame is dim, but not gone. Again I have to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. Waking will give me different opportunities and new focus. Tonight I will rest my head and pray.
Doubt may have captured…Victory not gained
~Nina~
June 13, 2010
Day of Droplets…Slate to Wash
The weekend has been filled with the cascade of rain. Though the past two days have been low key, my mind does race. I am trying to piece together an interpretation for my internal turmoil, the struggle of not being able to express my true feelings. Poetry is not only a passion of mine, but a method of getting my heart to verbalize. Today I present to you what flowed from my fingers, message spoke from my soul.
Destiny…the Development…the Journey
Where life will take them
One may never truly know
The people meant to meet
Destiny the path followed so
Every experience lived through
Sadness or joy rolls a tear
Teaching what needs learned
Trial and triumph one’s fear
The mind filled of aspiration
Ideas flowing free, sets to sail
Determination the golden key
Allows one a prized prevail
The future may contain uncertain
One may close as opens another door
Don’t caution it may hide in shadow
Take that chance, reach out for
Beneath the heart yearns to soar
~Nina~
The rain symbolizes my heart. Emotions surge as a river from my eyes. Not every tear is of sadness or despair…determination, focus, and drive also present weight within my essence. The droplets are not of great defeat, though my initial determination was of surrender. They simply are washing my slate clean. This week is new week, tomorrow is a new day. My future is what I will make of it and I want to approach each minute as it comes.
One foot in front of another…No stumble, secure footing
~Nina~
Destiny…the Development…the Journey
Where life will take them
One may never truly know
The people meant to meet
Destiny the path followed so
Every experience lived through
Sadness or joy rolls a tear
Teaching what needs learned
Trial and triumph one’s fear
The mind filled of aspiration
Ideas flowing free, sets to sail
Determination the golden key
Allows one a prized prevail
The future may contain uncertain
One may close as opens another door
Don’t caution it may hide in shadow
Take that chance, reach out for
Beneath the heart yearns to soar
~Nina~
The rain symbolizes my heart. Emotions surge as a river from my eyes. Not every tear is of sadness or despair…determination, focus, and drive also present weight within my essence. The droplets are not of great defeat, though my initial determination was of surrender. They simply are washing my slate clean. This week is new week, tomorrow is a new day. My future is what I will make of it and I want to approach each minute as it comes.
One foot in front of another…No stumble, secure footing
~Nina~
June 12, 2010
Day of Emotion...Day of Love
Yesterday I didn’t have a chance to capture my day. Traveling to familiar territory was my weekend endeavor. Today I spent time with my children and my family. The last time I was in this part of the state was when my daughter had her birthday, almost three months ago. Overall the day was very touching; internally I struggled with deep emotion. Precious memories casted my day, treasured moments embraced my heart, and supportive conversations wrapped my soul.
Venturing for coffee is a ritual for Mom and I when I come home to visit. This morning was different as we tootled our way up to the overlook. We were at the picnic table and my daughter was devouring her muffin. Emotion was scratching at my insides. The image of my mom sitting there with my daughter…it was a memory of 22 years ago of her sitting with me.
Mom and I are very close. Not always does she say what I want to hear, but she will say what I need to hear whether I like it or not. Her guidance is of importance and under estimated by others. She is vibrant, grounded, and respected. As I pulled my own daughter into my lap this morning I wrapped her with love and a tear welled as I remember the power of my mom’s embrace as a child. A bond between a mother and her child is of great strength and enduring love.
There a few times the emotion that clawed at my heart managed to roll down my cheeks. Why was I struggling so badly today? Why were my failures haunting me? I cried at the memory of both my marriages, at the hard efforts I placed for both, and pondered the two men that I had honored. Moving forward, the insight that was handed to me was to focus on the future and moving forward. The mere thought of my future overwhelmed me. Can I do this? Yes, I can…I have a deep determination that can bring me success.
I may have made some mistakes in my life so far, but the one thing I am most proud of is my children. They will have bright futures. They will always know how much I love each and every one of them. They will develop with a structure that will instill respected values and towering determination. They will gain the strength to follow their own hearts and achieve their highest goals. While laying each one of my children down to sleep tonight I transferred bravery and courage as I kissed them goodnight. Momma loves you!
Conquering today will lessen the battle of tomorrow…at least that is how I try to approach each sunrise. Survival is living and living is embracing all fears and inhibitions while savoring all levels of love. Courage to defeat my apprehensions isn’t always easy, but satisfying with pride when I do. My learning isn’t over as the underlying mystery of my future awaits my attention and willingness to become even more knowledgeable.
Lessons of life…Trades of teaching
~Nina~
Venturing for coffee is a ritual for Mom and I when I come home to visit. This morning was different as we tootled our way up to the overlook. We were at the picnic table and my daughter was devouring her muffin. Emotion was scratching at my insides. The image of my mom sitting there with my daughter…it was a memory of 22 years ago of her sitting with me.
Mom and I are very close. Not always does she say what I want to hear, but she will say what I need to hear whether I like it or not. Her guidance is of importance and under estimated by others. She is vibrant, grounded, and respected. As I pulled my own daughter into my lap this morning I wrapped her with love and a tear welled as I remember the power of my mom’s embrace as a child. A bond between a mother and her child is of great strength and enduring love.
There a few times the emotion that clawed at my heart managed to roll down my cheeks. Why was I struggling so badly today? Why were my failures haunting me? I cried at the memory of both my marriages, at the hard efforts I placed for both, and pondered the two men that I had honored. Moving forward, the insight that was handed to me was to focus on the future and moving forward. The mere thought of my future overwhelmed me. Can I do this? Yes, I can…I have a deep determination that can bring me success.
I may have made some mistakes in my life so far, but the one thing I am most proud of is my children. They will have bright futures. They will always know how much I love each and every one of them. They will develop with a structure that will instill respected values and towering determination. They will gain the strength to follow their own hearts and achieve their highest goals. While laying each one of my children down to sleep tonight I transferred bravery and courage as I kissed them goodnight. Momma loves you!
Conquering today will lessen the battle of tomorrow…at least that is how I try to approach each sunrise. Survival is living and living is embracing all fears and inhibitions while savoring all levels of love. Courage to defeat my apprehensions isn’t always easy, but satisfying with pride when I do. My learning isn’t over as the underlying mystery of my future awaits my attention and willingness to become even more knowledgeable.
Lessons of life…Trades of teaching
~Nina~
June 10, 2010
Beautiful Horizon…Peaceful Breeze
The nature of today brought a bout of serenity to my internal turmoil that I hope will continue to grow into a level of consistent tranquility. Though I addressed a recent email I received and was able to process it with minimal stress, my work day was relaxed while the conclusion of my day held a little adventure. I am a person of great aspiration and today there was enlightenment brought to my heart.
Only one particular incident of stickiness brought some disappointment to my day. Yesterday I had emailed someone informing them that I had updated pictures of the kids I purchased, but did not have their address. I wrote a quick two sentence correspondence and received quite the response. Exactly what goes through this person’s mind as they take the time to construct an email of that nature? There was more effort wasted when a simple, “Here is the address,” would have sufficed. I wasn’t even looking for a thank you, I was just asking for an address and the disrespect of saying their address could have been looked up on white pages on the internet, but since they were taking the time to explain they would just give it to me has me left puzzled. The difficulty isn’t necessary and my desire to even try anymore has dissolved. Regardless of their personal or family dynamics, I was giving them something I felt they deserved and the effort was minimized. No more…that was my last attempt, I am placing this behind me for good.
Photography is a passion of mine. It is another way for me to document my endeavors and capture priceless memories. Today I took pictures of the various parts of my day. I even managed to get myself on the other side of the lens. I didn’t realize how much my body or my smile has changed. The vision of myself is the person I was 30 plus pounds ago. Every time I walk past a window or look in a mirror I see the heavier version of me. The recent pictures of me brought me to a realization that I am a healthier and stronger person. I could see some of that beauty that others have expressed I have. Though my modesty keeps me with doubt of their words, the day brought great appreciation of the person I have become.
Adventure to a near by lake was amazing for me as I was able to dive in and get in touch with my stifled emotions of happiness. I climbed on the rocks and as I gazed out at the water the breeze swirled around my essence. Taking in a deep breath my entire soul illuminated with a pleasant admiration of the nature surrounding me. The cloud formation was striking as it lured me into a deep sense of harmony. The waves spoke to me as they carried inspiration while connecting with the shore. Most days have me standing and watching life just spin with a blur around me…at the very moment I stood on the beach all chaos froze and I was able to soak up emotions of power. The experience surfaced a vast emotion of encouragement.
Tonight as I lay my head to rest I will have a better sense of confidence. Spontaneous is a characteristic of mine that allows me to seek adventure with the slightest opportunities. I want to live life to the fullest and I will allow my imagination to carry me. I want to embrace all that this world has to offer while experiencing many levels of exploration.
Venture your heart…Voyage of life
~Nina~
Only one particular incident of stickiness brought some disappointment to my day. Yesterday I had emailed someone informing them that I had updated pictures of the kids I purchased, but did not have their address. I wrote a quick two sentence correspondence and received quite the response. Exactly what goes through this person’s mind as they take the time to construct an email of that nature? There was more effort wasted when a simple, “Here is the address,” would have sufficed. I wasn’t even looking for a thank you, I was just asking for an address and the disrespect of saying their address could have been looked up on white pages on the internet, but since they were taking the time to explain they would just give it to me has me left puzzled. The difficulty isn’t necessary and my desire to even try anymore has dissolved. Regardless of their personal or family dynamics, I was giving them something I felt they deserved and the effort was minimized. No more…that was my last attempt, I am placing this behind me for good.
Photography is a passion of mine. It is another way for me to document my endeavors and capture priceless memories. Today I took pictures of the various parts of my day. I even managed to get myself on the other side of the lens. I didn’t realize how much my body or my smile has changed. The vision of myself is the person I was 30 plus pounds ago. Every time I walk past a window or look in a mirror I see the heavier version of me. The recent pictures of me brought me to a realization that I am a healthier and stronger person. I could see some of that beauty that others have expressed I have. Though my modesty keeps me with doubt of their words, the day brought great appreciation of the person I have become.
Adventure to a near by lake was amazing for me as I was able to dive in and get in touch with my stifled emotions of happiness. I climbed on the rocks and as I gazed out at the water the breeze swirled around my essence. Taking in a deep breath my entire soul illuminated with a pleasant admiration of the nature surrounding me. The cloud formation was striking as it lured me into a deep sense of harmony. The waves spoke to me as they carried inspiration while connecting with the shore. Most days have me standing and watching life just spin with a blur around me…at the very moment I stood on the beach all chaos froze and I was able to soak up emotions of power. The experience surfaced a vast emotion of encouragement.
Tonight as I lay my head to rest I will have a better sense of confidence. Spontaneous is a characteristic of mine that allows me to seek adventure with the slightest opportunities. I want to live life to the fullest and I will allow my imagination to carry me. I want to embrace all that this world has to offer while experiencing many levels of exploration.
Venture your heart…Voyage of life
~Nina~
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