So much to share…I have stepped back and spent a couple of days trying to decipher exactly what is going on inside for me right now. The weekend brought great opportunity for me to step out of the emotional shoes, the footwear of apprehension. Since Sunday I have tried to gather just the right words to bring life to the emotions I am having.
As I began to peel back the layers of fear and sadness, I found the courage to open my blinds. The weeks passed as I continued to hide from him, from the world. I have to release the panic I get when I see his vehicle…when I feel his eyes pressing my existence. As the light flowed into my home the instant warmth enveloped my hindered spirit. The nurturing effect blossomed my heart while confidence flowed…natural light is necessary, it is life.
Independence forwards me many challenges as I have to stand before tasks that were at one time not mine. The yard work and property maintenance are a new aspect for me to conquer. I grew up on a farm, so I have knowledge that does assist me while my work ethic brings the ability to embrace manual labor with determination. It is the juggling of that along side inside housework, single-parenthood, bread-winning, and more that poses test to my endurance.
While assessing some safety issues outside, I did make the decision to clear some brush and a tree that brought seclusion to the atmosphere of my land. As I gathered the fallen branches and stacked the debris I could feel this aura of consternation escape me. At one point I stood back and as the timber fell to the ground I froze instantly. There it was, laying before my feet the revelation…the symbolizing of everything that has stood in my way and tried to shade me had just crashed to the earth, opening up my horizon…freeing my ability to strive for my deepest hopes and cherished fantasies.
The continued preservation to my heart is an imperative question I battle with daily. Does safeguarding myself from someone protest my esoteric passion? The aperture of my emotional barrier has allowed a trickle of scintillant curiosity to my heart. Lust, raw desire and untamed arousal has surfaced within as the fantasy of a man’s arms surrounding me with a mutual attraction is visualized. The tenderness of a touch meant to send security while the grasp of desire to describe urgency does play through my mind, yet hesitation does wrangle the internal struggle with this idea as a possibility. Time…the crystal ball of answers.
As time passes…as time awaits me, I bring forth the interpretation of time in my eyes. The meaning I hold close as each day comes and goes.
~Time: Triumph your Independence and Motivate your Essence. Time will soften great pain, heal deep wounds, and strengthen one’s soul. Time brings empowerment to many and frustrates others. Time will bring brilliant opportunities to one’s life and intimidate another’s. Time, it is entirely what you make of it~
Past, Present, and Future…Three times of every lifetime
~Nina~
June 29, 2010
June 27, 2010
Rights Earned…Take it Easy
The day was busy and very accomplished. After putting my children in bed tonight I took the opportunity to relax some. At first I was uncomfortable as I thought that I should be doing something…tackling some chore, but I did take a breath to rationalize the fact that I have earned an hour or two for myself. Rights, I have earned the right to unwind for the day, for the week, for the last month…I have endured more than my fair share, having my feet up is deserved.
I want to leave you with one idea to ponder…
“Liberty is the soul’s right to breath, and, when it cannot take a long breath, laws are girdled too tight.” ~Henry Ward Beecher~
Laws of life, decree of personal quality assurance…as I rest tonight I am going to unlace the pressure of personal regulations and other’s views. My soul has the right to breath and lately it hasn’t been able to draw in enough oxygen to allow my heart to beat freely. I will be taking some time to veto certain expectations and allowing adventure to lift me.
Revelations I indeed had this evening, but will present you with this tomorrow. I am signing out and saying a prayer. Good night to each and every one of you.
Breath…Let go
~Nina~
I want to leave you with one idea to ponder…
“Liberty is the soul’s right to breath, and, when it cannot take a long breath, laws are girdled too tight.” ~Henry Ward Beecher~
Laws of life, decree of personal quality assurance…as I rest tonight I am going to unlace the pressure of personal regulations and other’s views. My soul has the right to breath and lately it hasn’t been able to draw in enough oxygen to allow my heart to beat freely. I will be taking some time to veto certain expectations and allowing adventure to lift me.
Revelations I indeed had this evening, but will present you with this tomorrow. I am signing out and saying a prayer. Good night to each and every one of you.
Breath…Let go
~Nina~
June 26, 2010
Summer Sun…Life to Live
My day began with little sleep, but I didn’t let it slow me down. I had lots I wanted to accomplish and though I didn’t get the entire to do list complete, I had an awesome day. Today is a day where I completely separated myself from what has been going on recently and just embraced a day of fulfilling enjoyment.
The years will and do fly without notice. My little girl is already three and my boys are one. They change constantly and their curiosity surfaces new development each day. We spent time building towers and playing peek-a-boo, time I grasp onto with my whole heart as I only have limited time before my darlings continue to mature before my eyes. The giggles just filled the air with innocence. These are the moments, the memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. Some days are not always smooth or of ease, but the warmth I get when they hug me is extremely rewarding for every effort I put forth. I love you Chloe, Kaden, and Connor.
Along with a day of sunshine we had company. What does one think of when the thought of summer is presented? Grilling of course…the fresh air and friendly atmosphere of soaking up the sun is always warranted. I was able to capture some pictures of the little ones swinging and the meal was scrumptious. Thank you to those who joined us…the afternoon was very pleasurable.
The evening hours embraced me with security as well as tenderness. Relaxing while watching the television left me totally gratis as the room filled with light hearted humor. Laughing, smiling…my entire essence was lifted and appreciation to let loose was amazing. A day I have searched for, a day I stumbled across unexpectedly…I day I hope for more of.
I will have the chance to rest my head without anything but peace flowing from within. I believe sleep with come with ease tonight. As I close my eyes I will picture all that has wrapped me with harmony today…I will dream of the stature of affection brought to me.
Sweet dreams…Peaceful rest
~Nina~
The years will and do fly without notice. My little girl is already three and my boys are one. They change constantly and their curiosity surfaces new development each day. We spent time building towers and playing peek-a-boo, time I grasp onto with my whole heart as I only have limited time before my darlings continue to mature before my eyes. The giggles just filled the air with innocence. These are the moments, the memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. Some days are not always smooth or of ease, but the warmth I get when they hug me is extremely rewarding for every effort I put forth. I love you Chloe, Kaden, and Connor.
Along with a day of sunshine we had company. What does one think of when the thought of summer is presented? Grilling of course…the fresh air and friendly atmosphere of soaking up the sun is always warranted. I was able to capture some pictures of the little ones swinging and the meal was scrumptious. Thank you to those who joined us…the afternoon was very pleasurable.
The evening hours embraced me with security as well as tenderness. Relaxing while watching the television left me totally gratis as the room filled with light hearted humor. Laughing, smiling…my entire essence was lifted and appreciation to let loose was amazing. A day I have searched for, a day I stumbled across unexpectedly…I day I hope for more of.
I will have the chance to rest my head without anything but peace flowing from within. I believe sleep with come with ease tonight. As I close my eyes I will picture all that has wrapped me with harmony today…I will dream of the stature of affection brought to me.
Sweet dreams…Peaceful rest
~Nina~
June 25, 2010
Nervousness…Transferred Fear
The alarm went off early this morning, but I had been up for a while before it chimed trying to focus on the captured tranquility I felt as I fell asleep last night. I was in bed and the night was very clear with an illuminated essence embracing me with the warmth of serenity. Peace, when I went to bed I just gazed at the moon…the beautiful image had drawn in my heart. I pictured arms holding me close, giving me courage…strength.
Getting things in order for my morning, it wasn’t as nerve-wracking as the first time around, but still traumatic. I was very nervous as it is heartbreaking to the fact that I was forced into this position once again. How would the Judge interpret my actions of dropping the order or the question of how his behavior again escalated to an unsafe point as we are here again? The experience had a sense of déjà vu as I showered and applied my make-up. The pressing urge of my emotion to fall from my eyes left me wondering how I will get through this. The image of his angry face flashed and my reaction was to cower. His power…the control, I have to break free.
Walking into the courtroom I held my head high. I stared at the clock with anticipation. ‘Will he show,’ raced through my mind as I drooped with an involuntary shutter of fear. Then I heard my attorney speak to him. As I turned my head, the floodgate opened. His affect was of great rage…a face I use to endure on a daily basis. The whole occurrence was a whirlwind. I thought I was going to pass out as my family once again became exposed to the nature of his abuse while he lost control in front of the Judge. My heart stopped, the hesitation blurred the room and once again I suffered the emotion exploding.
The paper was signed…an order of protection, the legal barrier that will keep him from threatening me as well as halting his ability to expose his abusive nature towards me anymore. Relief…no, the lodged emotion pushing up my esophagus left me heaving. Everything raced and I felt faint as I knelt on the bathroom floor. There I was flushing it all for the second time…for the last time.
The state of my psych at that moment after I sat in the conference room can only be described as surreal. It was as if I stepped out and was standing outside my body. Watching them talk to me, seeing the struggle to process, and the pale color left me wondering just how I was capable of handling him alone for so long. I could hear their words, but nothing was sticking. Emptiness, there was the shell of my physical body, but the past collided with my future and my essence drifted.
How do I feel right now? It is very much different from the first time I went through this. There isn’t the overwhelming sense of my heart longing to hope for my love to pull me through this. I don’t wonder if he will become healthy enough to come home some day. I have no pondering of our future…there isn’t one, he lost me forever. Right now I feel numb, but I now have the ability to grow and nurture a healthy life for my children and myself.
Dark moment...Bright future
~Nina~
Getting things in order for my morning, it wasn’t as nerve-wracking as the first time around, but still traumatic. I was very nervous as it is heartbreaking to the fact that I was forced into this position once again. How would the Judge interpret my actions of dropping the order or the question of how his behavior again escalated to an unsafe point as we are here again? The experience had a sense of déjà vu as I showered and applied my make-up. The pressing urge of my emotion to fall from my eyes left me wondering how I will get through this. The image of his angry face flashed and my reaction was to cower. His power…the control, I have to break free.
Walking into the courtroom I held my head high. I stared at the clock with anticipation. ‘Will he show,’ raced through my mind as I drooped with an involuntary shutter of fear. Then I heard my attorney speak to him. As I turned my head, the floodgate opened. His affect was of great rage…a face I use to endure on a daily basis. The whole occurrence was a whirlwind. I thought I was going to pass out as my family once again became exposed to the nature of his abuse while he lost control in front of the Judge. My heart stopped, the hesitation blurred the room and once again I suffered the emotion exploding.
The paper was signed…an order of protection, the legal barrier that will keep him from threatening me as well as halting his ability to expose his abusive nature towards me anymore. Relief…no, the lodged emotion pushing up my esophagus left me heaving. Everything raced and I felt faint as I knelt on the bathroom floor. There I was flushing it all for the second time…for the last time.
The state of my psych at that moment after I sat in the conference room can only be described as surreal. It was as if I stepped out and was standing outside my body. Watching them talk to me, seeing the struggle to process, and the pale color left me wondering just how I was capable of handling him alone for so long. I could hear their words, but nothing was sticking. Emptiness, there was the shell of my physical body, but the past collided with my future and my essence drifted.
How do I feel right now? It is very much different from the first time I went through this. There isn’t the overwhelming sense of my heart longing to hope for my love to pull me through this. I don’t wonder if he will become healthy enough to come home some day. I have no pondering of our future…there isn’t one, he lost me forever. Right now I feel numb, but I now have the ability to grow and nurture a healthy life for my children and myself.
Dark moment...Bright future
~Nina~
June 24, 2010
Exposure to Share…Desire to Implode
Last night I crawled into bed with no urge to sleep as my heart burned. Tears fell from my eyes and not one person, maybe one, will truly know why. I have separated myself from everyone. Isolation was the demon that haunted me and now he is the figure whom leads me to where I want to be. I desire to keep all at bay, I foster a need to hide, and I entertain the indefinite idea to live alone which all develops a new flicker of determination.
Question to where I am or what I want pressed me last night. Am I ready to move forward? Yes, I am. I started privately a while ago…but will the world be ready for me? I will bust out of this gate and for once carry a coat of assertiveness. Pushing me will only cause me to stand tall with the desire to express resistance. Stepping in front of me won’t cause me to go around anymore, this is my path…get out of my way as I have paved a venture I want. This isn’t a longing for survival; this is the drive that will smolder into something much larger.
Anger, this is the emotion that I once feared and was incapable of feeling without feeling awkward as well. The avoidance of allowing myself to become fierce only sheltered me to a continued sadness. I continued to tip toe around the entire experience of anger and shunned the right to stand up for myself. Now here I stand with it staring me in the face, it has grabbed a hold of me as it tries pushing me. Embracing this will allow me to continue moving forward. I now realize that I have to go through this phase or I will remain stuck…I am now pushing back.
There, here I stand. My shoulders back, my posture strong. The level of vexation is healthy and warranted. As I stood in the mirror this morning I welcomed it and accepted the challenge.
As I describe the storm inside I have, you all have become exposed to my most intimate level of vulnerability. Allowing my wall to crumble gives you some insight to the experience of separating from a life of fear and growing into the security of independence. If you stood before me you wouldn’t have a clue to what festers within, but appreciate the image of a woman who presents endurance and strength. I am that woman…I will remain just that—perspicacious. The sharing of my story helps give a voice to my emotions, verbalizes the adventure, my journey…it brings a voice to anyone who wants to express what is felt deep, but unable to give it words.
Keen vision…Penetrating indomitability
~Nina~
Question to where I am or what I want pressed me last night. Am I ready to move forward? Yes, I am. I started privately a while ago…but will the world be ready for me? I will bust out of this gate and for once carry a coat of assertiveness. Pushing me will only cause me to stand tall with the desire to express resistance. Stepping in front of me won’t cause me to go around anymore, this is my path…get out of my way as I have paved a venture I want. This isn’t a longing for survival; this is the drive that will smolder into something much larger.
Anger, this is the emotion that I once feared and was incapable of feeling without feeling awkward as well. The avoidance of allowing myself to become fierce only sheltered me to a continued sadness. I continued to tip toe around the entire experience of anger and shunned the right to stand up for myself. Now here I stand with it staring me in the face, it has grabbed a hold of me as it tries pushing me. Embracing this will allow me to continue moving forward. I now realize that I have to go through this phase or I will remain stuck…I am now pushing back.
There, here I stand. My shoulders back, my posture strong. The level of vexation is healthy and warranted. As I stood in the mirror this morning I welcomed it and accepted the challenge.
As I describe the storm inside I have, you all have become exposed to my most intimate level of vulnerability. Allowing my wall to crumble gives you some insight to the experience of separating from a life of fear and growing into the security of independence. If you stood before me you wouldn’t have a clue to what festers within, but appreciate the image of a woman who presents endurance and strength. I am that woman…I will remain just that—perspicacious. The sharing of my story helps give a voice to my emotions, verbalizes the adventure, my journey…it brings a voice to anyone who wants to express what is felt deep, but unable to give it words.
Keen vision…Penetrating indomitability
~Nina~
June 23, 2010
Long Day…Short Message
I have had a tough day. I am exhausted and I only have one thing to leave with all of you tonight.
~To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by someone you love is everything~
Goonight…
~Nina~
~To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by someone you love is everything~
Goonight…
~Nina~
June 22, 2010
Exhaustion…Overload
Each day is a new day, but lately it feels like a new bucket of weight added. Things continue to get thrown my way and I feel like the challenge is to see if I will break. No doubt I feel the stress ripping and the how long before my seam gives out…I don’t know. Juggling my children, my health, work, legal, emotions, and more…the voicemail I received pushed me towards enough.
The knowledge of him being uncooperative shouldn’t be shocking, yet it hits me like a ton of bricks. Expressing that he won’t be paying toward what he agreed to and replying that it is my bill…really after all the work and emotional effort I put into him. The sensitivity I have had for his comforts or survival goes unappreciated, the time of responding to his emotional needs just minimized. Chance after chance…dropping the order and waiting for all the signs of his pledged change to relieve me only to be faced with the reality of his true need for control with a side effect of anger that dominos into a loss of control. This all truly squashes my heart…my love.
My internal light does flicker. Frustration and being upset surface at this moment. The flame grows not with tender appreciation, but of confused disappointment. This is not the path I envisioned, but it is the journey I am faced with. Taking a moment to collect my thoughts, I close my eyes and draw in a deep cool breath. I cannot control where we go from here. I cannot control his emotion or cooperation. I cannot determine that we continue in the path of mutual goals and grounds agreed on as we had. I can only adapt to his position and move forward totally alone.
Yes, I am very tired. This all is overwhelming and each sunrise compiles to my anxiety as our final date approaches. Though I struggle with the feeling of frustration for him I continue the grievance of my marriage and my husband. I now realize that I worked alone before so why the fear of doing it solo now? Doesn’t matter, it is what it is and I need to look ahead.
Awaiting rest…Hoping for relief
~Nina~
The knowledge of him being uncooperative shouldn’t be shocking, yet it hits me like a ton of bricks. Expressing that he won’t be paying toward what he agreed to and replying that it is my bill…really after all the work and emotional effort I put into him. The sensitivity I have had for his comforts or survival goes unappreciated, the time of responding to his emotional needs just minimized. Chance after chance…dropping the order and waiting for all the signs of his pledged change to relieve me only to be faced with the reality of his true need for control with a side effect of anger that dominos into a loss of control. This all truly squashes my heart…my love.
My internal light does flicker. Frustration and being upset surface at this moment. The flame grows not with tender appreciation, but of confused disappointment. This is not the path I envisioned, but it is the journey I am faced with. Taking a moment to collect my thoughts, I close my eyes and draw in a deep cool breath. I cannot control where we go from here. I cannot control his emotion or cooperation. I cannot determine that we continue in the path of mutual goals and grounds agreed on as we had. I can only adapt to his position and move forward totally alone.
Yes, I am very tired. This all is overwhelming and each sunrise compiles to my anxiety as our final date approaches. Though I struggle with the feeling of frustration for him I continue the grievance of my marriage and my husband. I now realize that I worked alone before so why the fear of doing it solo now? Doesn’t matter, it is what it is and I need to look ahead.
Awaiting rest…Hoping for relief
~Nina~
June 21, 2010
Lay my Head to Rest
The past two months or more I have avoided my bedroom. I have slept on the couch and while sleeping my mind would wander the depths of my heart. Some nights I woke up in a fret as the nightmare was so vivid my heart rate was elevated and my breathing rapid. The adrenalin of lust would wake me only to have my hands be met with emptiness. The peace of my standing on a mountain top took me to the deepest level of sleep. Every memory from my dreams symbolizes various emotions I experience on a daily basis.
Yesterday I opened my bedroom door and looked around. An area that is mine, which can foster my inspirations and embrace my insecurities, was ignored. I picked a few things up, made the bed, and turned on my stereo. Instantly I felt the break down of my inhibitions. I can’t evade a space that will aid in my breaking free of the internal struggles. Warmth, this was my safe zone and I had been keeping distance from it, but no more…my get-a-way, my haven.
With my sweet children all tucked in bed, I took an opportunity to take a moment for myself. The water warmed up while I undressed. The water ran down my shoulders and soothed my heartache. The mist filled the room and as I washed the pain from my body I could feel the strength surface. As I dried off, I wrapped the towel around me. Stepping before the mirror presented me with a vision I too often had lately. I couldn’t see myself as my reflection was steamed over. I wiped away the film to reveal my face. Deep down I could feel the woman I strive to be. At that very moment I closed my eyes and allowed my essence to completely relax.
The avoidance ended last night and tonight I will light a couple of candles…visualize my future. The scent that fills the air will allow my imagination to drift. Clearing my entire mind will bring growth and confidence to my heart. Tonight I will rest my head on my pillow and picture happiness.
Goodnight…Rest peacefully
~Nina~
Yesterday I opened my bedroom door and looked around. An area that is mine, which can foster my inspirations and embrace my insecurities, was ignored. I picked a few things up, made the bed, and turned on my stereo. Instantly I felt the break down of my inhibitions. I can’t evade a space that will aid in my breaking free of the internal struggles. Warmth, this was my safe zone and I had been keeping distance from it, but no more…my get-a-way, my haven.
With my sweet children all tucked in bed, I took an opportunity to take a moment for myself. The water warmed up while I undressed. The water ran down my shoulders and soothed my heartache. The mist filled the room and as I washed the pain from my body I could feel the strength surface. As I dried off, I wrapped the towel around me. Stepping before the mirror presented me with a vision I too often had lately. I couldn’t see myself as my reflection was steamed over. I wiped away the film to reveal my face. Deep down I could feel the woman I strive to be. At that very moment I closed my eyes and allowed my essence to completely relax.
The avoidance ended last night and tonight I will light a couple of candles…visualize my future. The scent that fills the air will allow my imagination to drift. Clearing my entire mind will bring growth and confidence to my heart. Tonight I will rest my head on my pillow and picture happiness.
Goodnight…Rest peacefully
~Nina~
June 20, 2010
Waves of Wonder…Memories to Ripple
Today, it hasn’t been the easiest yet again. The struggle remains with many aspects of my internal emotions. Upon waking I wanted to do nothing but throw the covers over my head and just hide. The darkness of depression does pull at my leg. I keep shaking its grasp, but some days the resistance is too much for me. I got up, took a shower, and faced my day. I meandered down to the dock. As I sat on shore, I was overwhelmed with flashbacks. As a little girl I would climb the steps leading to the lake almost every weekend, being at Grandpa and Grandma’s was a safe zone and I felt it again today.
The waves spoke to me. The calmness hovered above the water reaching for my heart. I gazed across the lake and was met with so many memories. Relaxation pulled the strings of my soul and ventured into a tune of harmony. My pen met the paper and emotions poured from within. I structured an outline to my story; I expressed feelings of sadness to euphoria. I embraced past love and present turmoil. The breeze caressed my cheek bringing me to close my eyes while I drew in a deep breath. I totally let go of all the recent chaos and was wrapped with the warmth of serenity. This moment I have searched for…
Grandpa ventured to the dock and as I watched him rummage in his boat, I asked if he wouldn’t mind taking me for a ride. The boys secure with Grandma, I set sail with Gramps. It has been so long since I have been on the lake. I took my seat and looked over at Grandpa. A smile spread across my face. The flood of pride in the man that sat next to me was overwhelming. He looked at me and we shared a mutual moment of silent reminiscing.
The boat accelerated and I found myself unsure as I sat forward for better balance. The involuntary reaction symbolized the stability I search for everyday. Then we would come to a channel and there would be “No wake” signs where we would slowly venture through. As we made it through the first channel he opened up the throttle and we were off again. My life, this experience represented the adventure of my life…my days. I have times of extreme caution and float to avoid the corrosion that can be caused by strong waves within close proximity. Then after I manage to corral enough strength to open up, I will zip across the open waters as the wind blows through my hair surrounding me with elated liberty.
As we crossed the ripples of another boat’s waves and our boat would bounce a little. The feeling startled me, but then I chuckled as I remembered when I was a little girl how much that use to frighten me. As the years before, I relaxed as I looked over at Grandpa. The trust, our bond has always allowed me to melt my nerves and know that he would take care of me. By the end of our ride I stopped leaning forward and just allowed the trust I have with him to relax me to the point of sitting back without holding on. As we floated up to the dock I felt like I had found something I needed out there on the lake. I am going to embrace it and build from it.
I am ready…tomorrow I want to wake up and welcome the sunrise. I will lift my chin while carrying my posture of pride. I will tackle my doubt and structure the means to gain confidence. I cannot continue on the path of sadness and hurt. It is time to channel this into a more positive energy. I will construct a few goals for the week and build off each sense of accomplishment. Tomorrow truly is a new day…
Set my sails…Drift to freedom
~Nina~
The waves spoke to me. The calmness hovered above the water reaching for my heart. I gazed across the lake and was met with so many memories. Relaxation pulled the strings of my soul and ventured into a tune of harmony. My pen met the paper and emotions poured from within. I structured an outline to my story; I expressed feelings of sadness to euphoria. I embraced past love and present turmoil. The breeze caressed my cheek bringing me to close my eyes while I drew in a deep breath. I totally let go of all the recent chaos and was wrapped with the warmth of serenity. This moment I have searched for…
Grandpa ventured to the dock and as I watched him rummage in his boat, I asked if he wouldn’t mind taking me for a ride. The boys secure with Grandma, I set sail with Gramps. It has been so long since I have been on the lake. I took my seat and looked over at Grandpa. A smile spread across my face. The flood of pride in the man that sat next to me was overwhelming. He looked at me and we shared a mutual moment of silent reminiscing.
The boat accelerated and I found myself unsure as I sat forward for better balance. The involuntary reaction symbolized the stability I search for everyday. Then we would come to a channel and there would be “No wake” signs where we would slowly venture through. As we made it through the first channel he opened up the throttle and we were off again. My life, this experience represented the adventure of my life…my days. I have times of extreme caution and float to avoid the corrosion that can be caused by strong waves within close proximity. Then after I manage to corral enough strength to open up, I will zip across the open waters as the wind blows through my hair surrounding me with elated liberty.
As we crossed the ripples of another boat’s waves and our boat would bounce a little. The feeling startled me, but then I chuckled as I remembered when I was a little girl how much that use to frighten me. As the years before, I relaxed as I looked over at Grandpa. The trust, our bond has always allowed me to melt my nerves and know that he would take care of me. By the end of our ride I stopped leaning forward and just allowed the trust I have with him to relax me to the point of sitting back without holding on. As we floated up to the dock I felt like I had found something I needed out there on the lake. I am going to embrace it and build from it.
I am ready…tomorrow I want to wake up and welcome the sunrise. I will lift my chin while carrying my posture of pride. I will tackle my doubt and structure the means to gain confidence. I cannot continue on the path of sadness and hurt. It is time to channel this into a more positive energy. I will construct a few goals for the week and build off each sense of accomplishment. Tomorrow truly is a new day…
Set my sails…Drift to freedom
~Nina~
June 19, 2010
Unaccustomed Anger…Frustration Elevated
To describe what I feel today seems to be a challenge right now. I am not familiar with anger. I don’t know how to handle it and struggle with the interpretation of it. Right now I am very frustrated and angry. Why? If I had the answer I wouldn’t be mulling it out on the paper right now.
So many things are on my plate everyday along with the vault of goals I continue to strive for. I can’t do it anymore. One by one things are going to be scrapped from my oversized dinner plate. I am exhausted and failing. Others may say no, but my heart screams YES!
I am human and my biggest critic is myself. I have worried so much about what others think about me or what others will say about my actions. Really, who cares? The fault comes from within--begins with the ever-dying need for my father’s acceptance and ends with the lack of confidence for myself. Do I blame him….no, it was MY need to feel acceptance or a sense of pride from him. Confidence, I question the right to feel I should have any with the experiences I have endured. It doesn’t matter anymore because at the end of the day my father and I don’t talk while the judgment I feel is vaulted from myself.
What DO I see when I look in the mirror?
Physically, I see the woman that I was six months ago lying in a hospital bed frightened of the future. I see the heavier version of me that began 30 plus pounds ago. I search for the beauty that others express I have and come up empty handed. Emotionally, I see a young woman that is lost, uneducated, and doomed. I see a failure. I see two marriages lived and lost. I see a cascade of tears. I see no confidence. I see a dim future…I feel defeated.
What SHOULD I see when I look in the mirror?
I can’t say for sure what I should see. I can relay the words I have heard and I can express the essence I attempt to carry on the outside. I should see strength, determination, and the fight for survival. I should see the radiant smile and a professional posture. I should see the positive I bring to this world…I should feel proud.
Pushing myself is what I have always prided myself on. I work very hard for everything; I created a stamina that would take me to success. The race is always 90% mental and 10% physical ability. I feel the weight of it all and I struggle with the encapsulated emotion. Shouldn’t this goddamn cycle have left by now? The ups, the downs…the entire journey is terrifying and the experience is exhausting. The wells haven’t dried up and the emotion continues to flow from my eyes. I want this over…I want to live without pain, struggle, and doubt. My life, I want my life back!
Right now my mind races. Today I had a bridal shower in celebration of an upcoming wedding in the family. The beauty of a couple uniting and pledging the deepest of love that binds a foundation to a marriage has always moved me. Along with our family’s blessing I will be in the attendance of two other weddings within the same month, one of which is for a dear friend of mine’s special occasion. Honestly, my heart wants to explode. I heave with sadness, disappointment, and question. My marriage has crumbled and the deep connection continues to drift. I become angry with him, why…why did he do this to me, why wouldn't he just stop!
All in the same moment I am deeply angry and heartbroken. I slouch with defeat and given in to the river of sadness that rolls down my cheeks. Sobs of failure escape my throat. I want to let go and just wake up as this all feels like a nightmare. Frustration shakes me as I resist the urge to clear my desk with the swipe of my arm.
When does it stop? When does the pain go away? Love, what is love? Does it exist? I have given up. The entire fairytale is just that, a fictitious story with a main character other than myself. I gave into love, I embraced it with all I had, and made sure he knew I loved him everyday. As I drove through the park today there was an outdoor wedding and in my rearview mirror I said my good-bye to that dream. No white dress, no vows, no romantic kiss, no first dance…it isn’t in the cards for me and it never will be. I don’t think I can love again as my heart is empty. Love…a word with no meaning.
Vulnerability no more…Empty efforts
~Nina~
So many things are on my plate everyday along with the vault of goals I continue to strive for. I can’t do it anymore. One by one things are going to be scrapped from my oversized dinner plate. I am exhausted and failing. Others may say no, but my heart screams YES!
I am human and my biggest critic is myself. I have worried so much about what others think about me or what others will say about my actions. Really, who cares? The fault comes from within--begins with the ever-dying need for my father’s acceptance and ends with the lack of confidence for myself. Do I blame him….no, it was MY need to feel acceptance or a sense of pride from him. Confidence, I question the right to feel I should have any with the experiences I have endured. It doesn’t matter anymore because at the end of the day my father and I don’t talk while the judgment I feel is vaulted from myself.
What DO I see when I look in the mirror?
Physically, I see the woman that I was six months ago lying in a hospital bed frightened of the future. I see the heavier version of me that began 30 plus pounds ago. I search for the beauty that others express I have and come up empty handed. Emotionally, I see a young woman that is lost, uneducated, and doomed. I see a failure. I see two marriages lived and lost. I see a cascade of tears. I see no confidence. I see a dim future…I feel defeated.
What SHOULD I see when I look in the mirror?
I can’t say for sure what I should see. I can relay the words I have heard and I can express the essence I attempt to carry on the outside. I should see strength, determination, and the fight for survival. I should see the radiant smile and a professional posture. I should see the positive I bring to this world…I should feel proud.
Pushing myself is what I have always prided myself on. I work very hard for everything; I created a stamina that would take me to success. The race is always 90% mental and 10% physical ability. I feel the weight of it all and I struggle with the encapsulated emotion. Shouldn’t this goddamn cycle have left by now? The ups, the downs…the entire journey is terrifying and the experience is exhausting. The wells haven’t dried up and the emotion continues to flow from my eyes. I want this over…I want to live without pain, struggle, and doubt. My life, I want my life back!
Right now my mind races. Today I had a bridal shower in celebration of an upcoming wedding in the family. The beauty of a couple uniting and pledging the deepest of love that binds a foundation to a marriage has always moved me. Along with our family’s blessing I will be in the attendance of two other weddings within the same month, one of which is for a dear friend of mine’s special occasion. Honestly, my heart wants to explode. I heave with sadness, disappointment, and question. My marriage has crumbled and the deep connection continues to drift. I become angry with him, why…why did he do this to me, why wouldn't he just stop!
All in the same moment I am deeply angry and heartbroken. I slouch with defeat and given in to the river of sadness that rolls down my cheeks. Sobs of failure escape my throat. I want to let go and just wake up as this all feels like a nightmare. Frustration shakes me as I resist the urge to clear my desk with the swipe of my arm.
When does it stop? When does the pain go away? Love, what is love? Does it exist? I have given up. The entire fairytale is just that, a fictitious story with a main character other than myself. I gave into love, I embraced it with all I had, and made sure he knew I loved him everyday. As I drove through the park today there was an outdoor wedding and in my rearview mirror I said my good-bye to that dream. No white dress, no vows, no romantic kiss, no first dance…it isn’t in the cards for me and it never will be. I don’t think I can love again as my heart is empty. Love…a word with no meaning.
Vulnerability no more…Empty efforts
~Nina~
June 17, 2010
What is Wrong…Sadness Why
Some days I feel very much alone. It seems to be the nature of the beast. I lose all confidence that I am ok and just end up consumed with a short-term bout of sadness. Today I feel like I am standing still as the avenues of life have everything zipping on by all around me. Having to be on crutches isn’t helping. My mobility is limited, my motivation dying, and the feeling of isolation sets in. Lesson learned, if you take things for granted you don’t realize the true value until you have lost it.
I never got married to watch it crumble. I worked very hard for this union, for this man. I never took for granted that my vows would present to me a lifetime of vast happiness and limited struggle. I went into this knowing that the venture would require work, sacrifices, and determination. What I didn’t realize however no matter how much devotion or effort I put in, this was still a partnership and it must contain both parties trudging the trenches together. If the effort wasn’t matched…if there wasn’t an underlying mutual respect, then I wouldn’t be able to keep this operation afloat alone.
Do I wonder? Yes. Do I mourn? Yes. Do I breakdown? Yes. This is very difficult to go through. Regardless, I love him. Even months of separation and times of silence…the emotion is there. I will stare at pictures and my awareness becomes clouded while my vision hazed with tears. I have silenced my communication of this to others. Judgment, people have expressed that it should be easy to move forward as he abused me and how could there be an attachment. “Why doesn’t she just tell him to stop,” a phrase I have overheard. I have tried and honestly I begged God to bring this nightmare to a halt. I have asked to be wake up with the hopes of having all I dreamt of.
Being alone has taught me so much about myself. Furthermore, it has brought unlimited knowledge about life. I will fidget with my ring finger as the status of being single is devastating. When I pledged, “I do,” there was not a sliver of hesitation. Now the mere idea of commitment raises levels of anxiety. Last weekend I asked someone how to do it, how to interpret it. Moving forward was the advice or expression. For five days I have thought about the entire conversation. Apprehension, I carry a nervousness as trusting is difficult for me. My approach is to moving forward I decided is going to be living. I am going to enjoy my time and embrace every opportunity of adventure I can find.
Some days I know my confidence will be less than others. I will always walk with composure and a collective stature of strength, but inside will speak the true emotion. I recognize today for what it is…I accept the sadness while allowing my emotion flow down my face.
The following is a verse from my heart. I reached out to every out let I had and each time I turned I encountered nothing. Standing before the mirror I looked at the woman staring back at me. There will be days like today and they will be around for a while…
Ever felt oh so very alone, Yes, absolutely very much…With isolation on this day, Struggle, no emotional crutch…To reach for help please, Heartache and great pain…All avenues pursued for sure, The tear rolls from strain…Standing still all whips by, Loneliness my soul does tug…Looking around emptiness found, All I would need is a hug
Hand above my heart…Love within of myself
~Nina~
I never got married to watch it crumble. I worked very hard for this union, for this man. I never took for granted that my vows would present to me a lifetime of vast happiness and limited struggle. I went into this knowing that the venture would require work, sacrifices, and determination. What I didn’t realize however no matter how much devotion or effort I put in, this was still a partnership and it must contain both parties trudging the trenches together. If the effort wasn’t matched…if there wasn’t an underlying mutual respect, then I wouldn’t be able to keep this operation afloat alone.
Do I wonder? Yes. Do I mourn? Yes. Do I breakdown? Yes. This is very difficult to go through. Regardless, I love him. Even months of separation and times of silence…the emotion is there. I will stare at pictures and my awareness becomes clouded while my vision hazed with tears. I have silenced my communication of this to others. Judgment, people have expressed that it should be easy to move forward as he abused me and how could there be an attachment. “Why doesn’t she just tell him to stop,” a phrase I have overheard. I have tried and honestly I begged God to bring this nightmare to a halt. I have asked to be wake up with the hopes of having all I dreamt of.
Being alone has taught me so much about myself. Furthermore, it has brought unlimited knowledge about life. I will fidget with my ring finger as the status of being single is devastating. When I pledged, “I do,” there was not a sliver of hesitation. Now the mere idea of commitment raises levels of anxiety. Last weekend I asked someone how to do it, how to interpret it. Moving forward was the advice or expression. For five days I have thought about the entire conversation. Apprehension, I carry a nervousness as trusting is difficult for me. My approach is to moving forward I decided is going to be living. I am going to enjoy my time and embrace every opportunity of adventure I can find.
Some days I know my confidence will be less than others. I will always walk with composure and a collective stature of strength, but inside will speak the true emotion. I recognize today for what it is…I accept the sadness while allowing my emotion flow down my face.
The following is a verse from my heart. I reached out to every out let I had and each time I turned I encountered nothing. Standing before the mirror I looked at the woman staring back at me. There will be days like today and they will be around for a while…
Ever felt oh so very alone, Yes, absolutely very much…With isolation on this day, Struggle, no emotional crutch…To reach for help please, Heartache and great pain…All avenues pursued for sure, The tear rolls from strain…Standing still all whips by, Loneliness my soul does tug…Looking around emptiness found, All I would need is a hug
Hand above my heart…Love within of myself
~Nina~
June 15, 2010
Difficult Day…Hovering Gloom
I am exhausted with emotion, with an endless list of chores, and of efforts to prevail. Today was a day filled with extreme difficulty. Many things venture through my mind, but the answers I seek truly will not benefit me in anyway.
Injury…I am suffering a physical injury on top of the emotional whirlwind. The devastation of the not being able to run the half marathon I have been training for has been of great strife. I will not heal fast enough and ironically I am left to realize that just as a torn quad muscle will need tender, love, and care…time of great recovery, so will my heart. I want this all to go away right now, but the pain and the suffrage doesn’t and won’t just evaporate.
A person, that I hold high respect for, initiated conversation with me tonight. “You are young and have much to offer.” This statement mulls around in my mind. I do have time, I don’t need to solve this today or tomorrow. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can wonder about love or survival, but maybe I just need to relax and know that this isn’t something I should fret over. It isn’t that I am searching for love, I am searching for self-actualization. I am hoping to connect with myself and embrace a strength of great independence.
I am going to go to bed tonight and rest my internal struggles. I recognize the darkness of a depression that is pressing. I will keep holding on to who I am and where I want to go. I am not going to be timid of the demon fighting for my soul…I am going to stand up and defend my honor. I will embrace the need to experience the lows so that I can appreciate the elevations.
Goodnight darling…Believe within
~Nina~
Injury…I am suffering a physical injury on top of the emotional whirlwind. The devastation of the not being able to run the half marathon I have been training for has been of great strife. I will not heal fast enough and ironically I am left to realize that just as a torn quad muscle will need tender, love, and care…time of great recovery, so will my heart. I want this all to go away right now, but the pain and the suffrage doesn’t and won’t just evaporate.
A person, that I hold high respect for, initiated conversation with me tonight. “You are young and have much to offer.” This statement mulls around in my mind. I do have time, I don’t need to solve this today or tomorrow. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can wonder about love or survival, but maybe I just need to relax and know that this isn’t something I should fret over. It isn’t that I am searching for love, I am searching for self-actualization. I am hoping to connect with myself and embrace a strength of great independence.
I am going to go to bed tonight and rest my internal struggles. I recognize the darkness of a depression that is pressing. I will keep holding on to who I am and where I want to go. I am not going to be timid of the demon fighting for my soul…I am going to stand up and defend my honor. I will embrace the need to experience the lows so that I can appreciate the elevations.
Goodnight darling…Believe within
~Nina~
June 14, 2010
To Fight or To Surrender
There was lots of weight today. My mind wandered with all that I have to do, haven’t done, and should do. Goals, obligations, responsibilities, dreams…they are all intermixing and my shoulders want to give out. Today I dropped to one knee and struggled to regain the power to keep my white flag from waving. Depression does sneak up while asking me to offer my hand. Leaving dreams behind, I want to just walk away and settle with the idea that I cannot achieve much more than my current status.
My phone rang and the number I recognized. I was afraid of the conversation and I truly was giving up. The voice on the other end was inspiring yet a struggle for me to take in. The tears flowed as I was surrendering to the darkness that lurked behind me and this person was reaching out to help me. “You can do this…you are a fighter…I know you are,” a few phrases that were expressed several times within the conversation and left me wondering, questioning my own heart…my strengths.
Can I do this? I fought it. The words of, “No, I can’t,” continued to recite. No one understands what the average helping of life I get daily. This obesity of stress that clogs my arteries is going to kill me someday. I had the urge to jump on the bandwagon and agree with this person, but also giving up was an attractive option. Eventually they broke the hold and were able to pull me up. I found myself saying, “I will try…all I can do is try.” I may never hold great success in the standards of this society, but damn-it I will try.
Am I a fighter? Digging deep, searching for the flicker of determination isn’t easy everyday. Some days I feel that if it was completely snuffed then life would be simpler. Clawing my way out of a void isn’t a hobby and at times hanging out in an abyss of darkness would involve less energy. “You are a fighter…I have watched you before.” This person had more confidence in me that I have in myself. Am I? Will I? I have to fight; I have to give it everything I have and more for my children’s sakes. I will fight until there is nothing left.
Yes, no doubt today was difficult for me. Several times I wanted to call it quits, but at the end of the day my internal flame is dim, but not gone. Again I have to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. Waking will give me different opportunities and new focus. Tonight I will rest my head and pray.
Doubt may have captured…Victory not gained
~Nina~
My phone rang and the number I recognized. I was afraid of the conversation and I truly was giving up. The voice on the other end was inspiring yet a struggle for me to take in. The tears flowed as I was surrendering to the darkness that lurked behind me and this person was reaching out to help me. “You can do this…you are a fighter…I know you are,” a few phrases that were expressed several times within the conversation and left me wondering, questioning my own heart…my strengths.
Can I do this? I fought it. The words of, “No, I can’t,” continued to recite. No one understands what the average helping of life I get daily. This obesity of stress that clogs my arteries is going to kill me someday. I had the urge to jump on the bandwagon and agree with this person, but also giving up was an attractive option. Eventually they broke the hold and were able to pull me up. I found myself saying, “I will try…all I can do is try.” I may never hold great success in the standards of this society, but damn-it I will try.
Am I a fighter? Digging deep, searching for the flicker of determination isn’t easy everyday. Some days I feel that if it was completely snuffed then life would be simpler. Clawing my way out of a void isn’t a hobby and at times hanging out in an abyss of darkness would involve less energy. “You are a fighter…I have watched you before.” This person had more confidence in me that I have in myself. Am I? Will I? I have to fight; I have to give it everything I have and more for my children’s sakes. I will fight until there is nothing left.
Yes, no doubt today was difficult for me. Several times I wanted to call it quits, but at the end of the day my internal flame is dim, but not gone. Again I have to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day. Waking will give me different opportunities and new focus. Tonight I will rest my head and pray.
Doubt may have captured…Victory not gained
~Nina~
June 13, 2010
Day of Droplets…Slate to Wash
The weekend has been filled with the cascade of rain. Though the past two days have been low key, my mind does race. I am trying to piece together an interpretation for my internal turmoil, the struggle of not being able to express my true feelings. Poetry is not only a passion of mine, but a method of getting my heart to verbalize. Today I present to you what flowed from my fingers, message spoke from my soul.
Destiny…the Development…the Journey
Where life will take them
One may never truly know
The people meant to meet
Destiny the path followed so
Every experience lived through
Sadness or joy rolls a tear
Teaching what needs learned
Trial and triumph one’s fear
The mind filled of aspiration
Ideas flowing free, sets to sail
Determination the golden key
Allows one a prized prevail
The future may contain uncertain
One may close as opens another door
Don’t caution it may hide in shadow
Take that chance, reach out for
Beneath the heart yearns to soar
~Nina~
The rain symbolizes my heart. Emotions surge as a river from my eyes. Not every tear is of sadness or despair…determination, focus, and drive also present weight within my essence. The droplets are not of great defeat, though my initial determination was of surrender. They simply are washing my slate clean. This week is new week, tomorrow is a new day. My future is what I will make of it and I want to approach each minute as it comes.
One foot in front of another…No stumble, secure footing
~Nina~
Destiny…the Development…the Journey
Where life will take them
One may never truly know
The people meant to meet
Destiny the path followed so
Every experience lived through
Sadness or joy rolls a tear
Teaching what needs learned
Trial and triumph one’s fear
The mind filled of aspiration
Ideas flowing free, sets to sail
Determination the golden key
Allows one a prized prevail
The future may contain uncertain
One may close as opens another door
Don’t caution it may hide in shadow
Take that chance, reach out for
Beneath the heart yearns to soar
~Nina~
The rain symbolizes my heart. Emotions surge as a river from my eyes. Not every tear is of sadness or despair…determination, focus, and drive also present weight within my essence. The droplets are not of great defeat, though my initial determination was of surrender. They simply are washing my slate clean. This week is new week, tomorrow is a new day. My future is what I will make of it and I want to approach each minute as it comes.
One foot in front of another…No stumble, secure footing
~Nina~
June 12, 2010
Day of Emotion...Day of Love
Yesterday I didn’t have a chance to capture my day. Traveling to familiar territory was my weekend endeavor. Today I spent time with my children and my family. The last time I was in this part of the state was when my daughter had her birthday, almost three months ago. Overall the day was very touching; internally I struggled with deep emotion. Precious memories casted my day, treasured moments embraced my heart, and supportive conversations wrapped my soul.
Venturing for coffee is a ritual for Mom and I when I come home to visit. This morning was different as we tootled our way up to the overlook. We were at the picnic table and my daughter was devouring her muffin. Emotion was scratching at my insides. The image of my mom sitting there with my daughter…it was a memory of 22 years ago of her sitting with me.
Mom and I are very close. Not always does she say what I want to hear, but she will say what I need to hear whether I like it or not. Her guidance is of importance and under estimated by others. She is vibrant, grounded, and respected. As I pulled my own daughter into my lap this morning I wrapped her with love and a tear welled as I remember the power of my mom’s embrace as a child. A bond between a mother and her child is of great strength and enduring love.
There a few times the emotion that clawed at my heart managed to roll down my cheeks. Why was I struggling so badly today? Why were my failures haunting me? I cried at the memory of both my marriages, at the hard efforts I placed for both, and pondered the two men that I had honored. Moving forward, the insight that was handed to me was to focus on the future and moving forward. The mere thought of my future overwhelmed me. Can I do this? Yes, I can…I have a deep determination that can bring me success.
I may have made some mistakes in my life so far, but the one thing I am most proud of is my children. They will have bright futures. They will always know how much I love each and every one of them. They will develop with a structure that will instill respected values and towering determination. They will gain the strength to follow their own hearts and achieve their highest goals. While laying each one of my children down to sleep tonight I transferred bravery and courage as I kissed them goodnight. Momma loves you!
Conquering today will lessen the battle of tomorrow…at least that is how I try to approach each sunrise. Survival is living and living is embracing all fears and inhibitions while savoring all levels of love. Courage to defeat my apprehensions isn’t always easy, but satisfying with pride when I do. My learning isn’t over as the underlying mystery of my future awaits my attention and willingness to become even more knowledgeable.
Lessons of life…Trades of teaching
~Nina~
Venturing for coffee is a ritual for Mom and I when I come home to visit. This morning was different as we tootled our way up to the overlook. We were at the picnic table and my daughter was devouring her muffin. Emotion was scratching at my insides. The image of my mom sitting there with my daughter…it was a memory of 22 years ago of her sitting with me.
Mom and I are very close. Not always does she say what I want to hear, but she will say what I need to hear whether I like it or not. Her guidance is of importance and under estimated by others. She is vibrant, grounded, and respected. As I pulled my own daughter into my lap this morning I wrapped her with love and a tear welled as I remember the power of my mom’s embrace as a child. A bond between a mother and her child is of great strength and enduring love.
There a few times the emotion that clawed at my heart managed to roll down my cheeks. Why was I struggling so badly today? Why were my failures haunting me? I cried at the memory of both my marriages, at the hard efforts I placed for both, and pondered the two men that I had honored. Moving forward, the insight that was handed to me was to focus on the future and moving forward. The mere thought of my future overwhelmed me. Can I do this? Yes, I can…I have a deep determination that can bring me success.
I may have made some mistakes in my life so far, but the one thing I am most proud of is my children. They will have bright futures. They will always know how much I love each and every one of them. They will develop with a structure that will instill respected values and towering determination. They will gain the strength to follow their own hearts and achieve their highest goals. While laying each one of my children down to sleep tonight I transferred bravery and courage as I kissed them goodnight. Momma loves you!
Conquering today will lessen the battle of tomorrow…at least that is how I try to approach each sunrise. Survival is living and living is embracing all fears and inhibitions while savoring all levels of love. Courage to defeat my apprehensions isn’t always easy, but satisfying with pride when I do. My learning isn’t over as the underlying mystery of my future awaits my attention and willingness to become even more knowledgeable.
Lessons of life…Trades of teaching
~Nina~
June 10, 2010
Beautiful Horizon…Peaceful Breeze
The nature of today brought a bout of serenity to my internal turmoil that I hope will continue to grow into a level of consistent tranquility. Though I addressed a recent email I received and was able to process it with minimal stress, my work day was relaxed while the conclusion of my day held a little adventure. I am a person of great aspiration and today there was enlightenment brought to my heart.
Only one particular incident of stickiness brought some disappointment to my day. Yesterday I had emailed someone informing them that I had updated pictures of the kids I purchased, but did not have their address. I wrote a quick two sentence correspondence and received quite the response. Exactly what goes through this person’s mind as they take the time to construct an email of that nature? There was more effort wasted when a simple, “Here is the address,” would have sufficed. I wasn’t even looking for a thank you, I was just asking for an address and the disrespect of saying their address could have been looked up on white pages on the internet, but since they were taking the time to explain they would just give it to me has me left puzzled. The difficulty isn’t necessary and my desire to even try anymore has dissolved. Regardless of their personal or family dynamics, I was giving them something I felt they deserved and the effort was minimized. No more…that was my last attempt, I am placing this behind me for good.
Photography is a passion of mine. It is another way for me to document my endeavors and capture priceless memories. Today I took pictures of the various parts of my day. I even managed to get myself on the other side of the lens. I didn’t realize how much my body or my smile has changed. The vision of myself is the person I was 30 plus pounds ago. Every time I walk past a window or look in a mirror I see the heavier version of me. The recent pictures of me brought me to a realization that I am a healthier and stronger person. I could see some of that beauty that others have expressed I have. Though my modesty keeps me with doubt of their words, the day brought great appreciation of the person I have become.
Adventure to a near by lake was amazing for me as I was able to dive in and get in touch with my stifled emotions of happiness. I climbed on the rocks and as I gazed out at the water the breeze swirled around my essence. Taking in a deep breath my entire soul illuminated with a pleasant admiration of the nature surrounding me. The cloud formation was striking as it lured me into a deep sense of harmony. The waves spoke to me as they carried inspiration while connecting with the shore. Most days have me standing and watching life just spin with a blur around me…at the very moment I stood on the beach all chaos froze and I was able to soak up emotions of power. The experience surfaced a vast emotion of encouragement.
Tonight as I lay my head to rest I will have a better sense of confidence. Spontaneous is a characteristic of mine that allows me to seek adventure with the slightest opportunities. I want to live life to the fullest and I will allow my imagination to carry me. I want to embrace all that this world has to offer while experiencing many levels of exploration.
Venture your heart…Voyage of life
~Nina~
Only one particular incident of stickiness brought some disappointment to my day. Yesterday I had emailed someone informing them that I had updated pictures of the kids I purchased, but did not have their address. I wrote a quick two sentence correspondence and received quite the response. Exactly what goes through this person’s mind as they take the time to construct an email of that nature? There was more effort wasted when a simple, “Here is the address,” would have sufficed. I wasn’t even looking for a thank you, I was just asking for an address and the disrespect of saying their address could have been looked up on white pages on the internet, but since they were taking the time to explain they would just give it to me has me left puzzled. The difficulty isn’t necessary and my desire to even try anymore has dissolved. Regardless of their personal or family dynamics, I was giving them something I felt they deserved and the effort was minimized. No more…that was my last attempt, I am placing this behind me for good.
Photography is a passion of mine. It is another way for me to document my endeavors and capture priceless memories. Today I took pictures of the various parts of my day. I even managed to get myself on the other side of the lens. I didn’t realize how much my body or my smile has changed. The vision of myself is the person I was 30 plus pounds ago. Every time I walk past a window or look in a mirror I see the heavier version of me. The recent pictures of me brought me to a realization that I am a healthier and stronger person. I could see some of that beauty that others have expressed I have. Though my modesty keeps me with doubt of their words, the day brought great appreciation of the person I have become.
Adventure to a near by lake was amazing for me as I was able to dive in and get in touch with my stifled emotions of happiness. I climbed on the rocks and as I gazed out at the water the breeze swirled around my essence. Taking in a deep breath my entire soul illuminated with a pleasant admiration of the nature surrounding me. The cloud formation was striking as it lured me into a deep sense of harmony. The waves spoke to me as they carried inspiration while connecting with the shore. Most days have me standing and watching life just spin with a blur around me…at the very moment I stood on the beach all chaos froze and I was able to soak up emotions of power. The experience surfaced a vast emotion of encouragement.
Tonight as I lay my head to rest I will have a better sense of confidence. Spontaneous is a characteristic of mine that allows me to seek adventure with the slightest opportunities. I want to live life to the fullest and I will allow my imagination to carry me. I want to embrace all that this world has to offer while experiencing many levels of exploration.
Venture your heart…Voyage of life
~Nina~
June 9, 2010
Words of Empowerment
Today was a calmer day. I felt a weight lift off of me after my earliest correspondence this morning. There is a line of protection put in place to separate his ability to verbally degrade and emotionally abuse me anymore. I am not going to lie, I was terrified as he has threatened me twice in regards to me taking action to defend myself. I couldn’t allow safety to be jeopardized, so I mustered enough courage to place much needed boundaries once again.
My life enters another whole pool of change once again. I gave him a chance; I went out on a limb to trust all the changes he expressed to me. Just as each time I hoped and prayed before, this time was another time I believed that it would never happen again. I noticed different behavior and subtle differences. At first I questioned the substance of his change, but eventually re-instilled some trust with him. I want nothing more than a relationship of quality to raise our children and I assumed us to be on the same page working toward the same goal. Then little by little the red flags started to release and my alert began to heighten. This wasn’t an easy day…no day has been or ever will be.
At some point I hope his battle within ends. He is losing focus on his personal goals as his emotions implode and regain his original cycle. The release of anger and drive to seek control is overtaking his mind, body, and soul. I pray, tonight I pray for him.
Where does my life go from here? How do I once again canvas my internal struggles into positive energy of survival? Faith, the invested loyalty to myself will begin to structure my agenda. Grabbing the steering wheel, looking forward, and appreciating the knowledge that the past brings me will help me build a sound future. Nurturing my essence by surrounding myself with the correct people will aid in this flowering process.
There was a particular conversation today that I waited for all day. When the clock struck 4pm I began to get antsy with anticipation. Eventually my phone rang and the voice on the other end immediately brought comfort. The warm embrace of the entire banter surfaced a security and drive to my heart. Thank you, my appreciation to this person is more than they know.
Several phrases speak to me over and over, “I want you to feel confident, to feel empowered.” Don’t allow him to have this control…I cannot allow him to keep this power. The touching words of, “I think you are amazing,” soften my rigid doubt. Tonight I hung up the phone and stood before the mirror. The woman gazing back at me did indeed look exhausted, but stood with better posture as this person instilled a spark of credence that I need in myself.
I placed my right hand over my heart tonight. The rhythmic beat reminded me that I am not dead, though I emotional feel like parts of me died I am actually very much alive. My life is mine to venture. I must pick up the pieces, learn from past mistakes, and triumph my future. This again will not happen overnight, but the process can begin right now.
"The steady restructuring can once again carry her to the heights of successful esteem while her earned determination will keep her there this time" Written by: Nina
Comfort of one…Embraced sanction
~Nina~
My life enters another whole pool of change once again. I gave him a chance; I went out on a limb to trust all the changes he expressed to me. Just as each time I hoped and prayed before, this time was another time I believed that it would never happen again. I noticed different behavior and subtle differences. At first I questioned the substance of his change, but eventually re-instilled some trust with him. I want nothing more than a relationship of quality to raise our children and I assumed us to be on the same page working toward the same goal. Then little by little the red flags started to release and my alert began to heighten. This wasn’t an easy day…no day has been or ever will be.
At some point I hope his battle within ends. He is losing focus on his personal goals as his emotions implode and regain his original cycle. The release of anger and drive to seek control is overtaking his mind, body, and soul. I pray, tonight I pray for him.
Where does my life go from here? How do I once again canvas my internal struggles into positive energy of survival? Faith, the invested loyalty to myself will begin to structure my agenda. Grabbing the steering wheel, looking forward, and appreciating the knowledge that the past brings me will help me build a sound future. Nurturing my essence by surrounding myself with the correct people will aid in this flowering process.
There was a particular conversation today that I waited for all day. When the clock struck 4pm I began to get antsy with anticipation. Eventually my phone rang and the voice on the other end immediately brought comfort. The warm embrace of the entire banter surfaced a security and drive to my heart. Thank you, my appreciation to this person is more than they know.
Several phrases speak to me over and over, “I want you to feel confident, to feel empowered.” Don’t allow him to have this control…I cannot allow him to keep this power. The touching words of, “I think you are amazing,” soften my rigid doubt. Tonight I hung up the phone and stood before the mirror. The woman gazing back at me did indeed look exhausted, but stood with better posture as this person instilled a spark of credence that I need in myself.
I placed my right hand over my heart tonight. The rhythmic beat reminded me that I am not dead, though I emotional feel like parts of me died I am actually very much alive. My life is mine to venture. I must pick up the pieces, learn from past mistakes, and triumph my future. This again will not happen overnight, but the process can begin right now.
"The steady restructuring can once again carry her to the heights of successful esteem while her earned determination will keep her there this time" Written by: Nina
Comfort of one…Embraced sanction
~Nina~
June 8, 2010
Fear Captured…Isolation Built
Never did I ever think I would be at this moment ever again in my life. Today my heart stopped as the emotions emerged from my body. It was as if I was standing still and watching a rerun of January 25, 2010. Tears streamed down my face. The terror, his anger, the words, and his intimidation…he grabbed me with his words and emotionally violated me to the point of physical ailment.
Agitation was very prominent in his voice today. His anger wasn’t with me, but I am his emotional beating post regardless of his tension coming from a different relationship in his life. His behavior has been building, reverting back to his original patterns. For a few weeks I have witnessed and experienced his cycle of abuse once again. His actions that surrounded me with fear today left me with the history of his physical outbursts flashing before my eyes.
Panic wrapped me and embraced me with such strength the fear purged from my stomach. Crouched in the bathroom I heaved with emotion. A river of trepidation poured from my heart and the moisture blurred my vision. Crumbling into an emotional pile on the tiled floor I felt defeated. He wins…I will never be able to live without the slander, the abuse.
The ability to stand dissolved as he slashed my heart, “I want nothing to do with you or those fucking kids.” Breathing difficult, my heart racing…this man hates me. There I was, slouched and unsure how I was going to pull myself together. After the first, “you fucking cunt” he lost all control and drove right through my soul. His displacement of blame for his losses penetrated me, “This is your fucking fault, because you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut.” One of the last things he told me today was, “Remember when you said you feared the day I would wake up and just hate you…that day is very close.” As I breakdown I realize this, he already does…he reached that point along time ago.
Months of reassuring myself and inward coaching I was able to scratch my way to the surface of the survival crater. I at one point was able to bask in the warmth of the sunshine waiting for me. Here I lay, enervated at the deepest void and casted with dark shadows once again. The dust of the bottom settles on my soul. Surrender is screaming its way out of my heart. Giving up is such an attractive option at this very moment. With a split second of the upward rise of my white flag my children’s faces flash in front of me. No, pulling my arm down…I won’t give up. I will find a way to defend myself. I will protect my children and their futures. I will enforce boundaries of safety.
This entire process has been of great difficulty. Some days I carry defeat and the desire to quit, slipping back into the part of society no one knew existed. Some days I feel it would be simplest to just let him come home and the abuse is an easier option than trying to survive him. Other days I just feel exhausted with defeat and no self worth. The rest of the days I try to dig deep and keep myself focused on the fact that I…that my kids deserve a life of happiness and safety. The path of self destruction leaves him unpredictable and unapproachable. As the scale tilts, the priority of protection takes precedence.
Power he grabs…control his feed
~Nina~
Agitation was very prominent in his voice today. His anger wasn’t with me, but I am his emotional beating post regardless of his tension coming from a different relationship in his life. His behavior has been building, reverting back to his original patterns. For a few weeks I have witnessed and experienced his cycle of abuse once again. His actions that surrounded me with fear today left me with the history of his physical outbursts flashing before my eyes.
Panic wrapped me and embraced me with such strength the fear purged from my stomach. Crouched in the bathroom I heaved with emotion. A river of trepidation poured from my heart and the moisture blurred my vision. Crumbling into an emotional pile on the tiled floor I felt defeated. He wins…I will never be able to live without the slander, the abuse.
The ability to stand dissolved as he slashed my heart, “I want nothing to do with you or those fucking kids.” Breathing difficult, my heart racing…this man hates me. There I was, slouched and unsure how I was going to pull myself together. After the first, “you fucking cunt” he lost all control and drove right through my soul. His displacement of blame for his losses penetrated me, “This is your fucking fault, because you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut.” One of the last things he told me today was, “Remember when you said you feared the day I would wake up and just hate you…that day is very close.” As I breakdown I realize this, he already does…he reached that point along time ago.
Months of reassuring myself and inward coaching I was able to scratch my way to the surface of the survival crater. I at one point was able to bask in the warmth of the sunshine waiting for me. Here I lay, enervated at the deepest void and casted with dark shadows once again. The dust of the bottom settles on my soul. Surrender is screaming its way out of my heart. Giving up is such an attractive option at this very moment. With a split second of the upward rise of my white flag my children’s faces flash in front of me. No, pulling my arm down…I won’t give up. I will find a way to defend myself. I will protect my children and their futures. I will enforce boundaries of safety.
This entire process has been of great difficulty. Some days I carry defeat and the desire to quit, slipping back into the part of society no one knew existed. Some days I feel it would be simplest to just let him come home and the abuse is an easier option than trying to survive him. Other days I just feel exhausted with defeat and no self worth. The rest of the days I try to dig deep and keep myself focused on the fact that I…that my kids deserve a life of happiness and safety. The path of self destruction leaves him unpredictable and unapproachable. As the scale tilts, the priority of protection takes precedence.
Power he grabs…control his feed
~Nina~
June 7, 2010
Judgment…Defining Characteristics
Driving today I was allowed ample time to ponder my most inner thoughts of the day. People, individuals, the human race…who are we, what makes us the way we are? Judgment day is everyday in this world. An opinion can be formed by appearance, social confidence, education, and so much more. The opportunity to full understand someone will be pushed to one side if a preconceived notion is formed by one’s cover. Please, don’t rule out a great read based on limited knowledge.
What contributes to the blueprints of our personalities? Past experiences are a huge factor in how we will one day cope, what we will tolerate, and how we will react. Comfort with certain emotions can open one’s essence up or build a well structured barrier round one’s heart. My belief is that everyone deserves to embrace deep happiness and relish in the warmth of a profound love. However one approaches the route of accepting true and raw emotion is entirely up to that person’s comfort, but their coping mechanism doesn’t mark them less deserving.
Future apprehensions also will mold the current acceptance of certain emotions. Fear is a very powerful feeling that can cause one to halt from the core outward. Knowing the state of one’s character will structure another with the positive ability to adapt while bringing comfort to extreme anxieties. Having the understanding of oneself will hold a level of empowerment like no other.
Learning, I have learned so much about myself and my own coping methods. Judgment, I will not pass this upon anyone. I have been on the receiving end of harsh and unwarranted judgment. I have suffered vast names thrown my way and washed of connection as people didn’t take the time or opportunity to learn what makes my clock tick. Faults…this world may veiw them as an influence of negativity weighing on one’s being and I view them as individuality. There is no such thing as normal, or the perfect person…the unexpected, the spontaneous freedom allows us all to contribute to the world on a positive measure.
Take a moment…just once. Strike a conversation with a complete stranger. I can guarantee that a level of inspiration will hover as you continue with your day. We all have stories, experiences, pasts…we are all a colorful part of what makes the world go round. Don’t judge another and more importantly, don’t judge yourself. Respect who you have and ponder your own path of development. Know that you deserve the purest love and deepest happiness this world can offer. Smile, the power will bring illuminate your entire day.
All just a piece of a very large puzzle…That puzzle—society
~Nina~
What contributes to the blueprints of our personalities? Past experiences are a huge factor in how we will one day cope, what we will tolerate, and how we will react. Comfort with certain emotions can open one’s essence up or build a well structured barrier round one’s heart. My belief is that everyone deserves to embrace deep happiness and relish in the warmth of a profound love. However one approaches the route of accepting true and raw emotion is entirely up to that person’s comfort, but their coping mechanism doesn’t mark them less deserving.
Future apprehensions also will mold the current acceptance of certain emotions. Fear is a very powerful feeling that can cause one to halt from the core outward. Knowing the state of one’s character will structure another with the positive ability to adapt while bringing comfort to extreme anxieties. Having the understanding of oneself will hold a level of empowerment like no other.
Learning, I have learned so much about myself and my own coping methods. Judgment, I will not pass this upon anyone. I have been on the receiving end of harsh and unwarranted judgment. I have suffered vast names thrown my way and washed of connection as people didn’t take the time or opportunity to learn what makes my clock tick. Faults…this world may veiw them as an influence of negativity weighing on one’s being and I view them as individuality. There is no such thing as normal, or the perfect person…the unexpected, the spontaneous freedom allows us all to contribute to the world on a positive measure.
Take a moment…just once. Strike a conversation with a complete stranger. I can guarantee that a level of inspiration will hover as you continue with your day. We all have stories, experiences, pasts…we are all a colorful part of what makes the world go round. Don’t judge another and more importantly, don’t judge yourself. Respect who you have and ponder your own path of development. Know that you deserve the purest love and deepest happiness this world can offer. Smile, the power will bring illuminate your entire day.
All just a piece of a very large puzzle…That puzzle—society
~Nina~
June 5, 2010
Love...Fable or Veracity
What is love, the idea of love? What is it that makes love so attractive and desired? Why is it that the very emotion that brings euphoric release also brings a heart wrenching pain? Lust or love…simple vs. complex, both are pleasurable as well as dangerous. The past few days I have pondered, what is it that someone seeks with love? Is it someone who will adore, be a lover, a companion, or to have that one person that can be trusted? Love, the emotion of deep connection, visualized fantasy, and prayed for security…the feelings most surrender to with the acceptance of becoming vulnerable.
Grabbing a dictionary, with the hope to bring some sort of concrete idea to the meaning of this word, I am faced with a laundry list of definitions, explanations, and examples. The first four, in my opinion, are the top four defining words of love:
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
I have been a participant with each of the listed above areas of love with more than one person of my past. As a little girl, I invested everything I had into the idea of a soul-mate, one’s true love. As a grown woman, I have come to learn that the idea of a soul-mate is not a reality, but merely one’s fantasy…a past dream. No longer do I believe in one’s true love…love is a condition that can grow with each relationship a person may have within a lifetime.
Whole-heartedly I am a romantic person from the core, outward. I respected and worshiped the entire sanctified idea of marriage. To be a wife, I was proud to hold the title and valued my position of being the sounding board to one’s life. My first husband I adored and worked very hard for. I was crushed as I watched him drive down the road and demoralized as I learned of his affair. I questioned my whole character with great doubt of my internal worth. Meeting my second husband, I developed and grew a deep affection of rooted admiration as well. Again, I worked with determination and pressed on through all the challenges thrown my way. The power of my love for him made the ability of separating myself from him extremely difficult. Regardless of the damage of his violent behavior, I will always love him…he is the father of my children, a man I had a profound connection with.
For the second time I am left to question my own self. Why don’t I deserve the purity of an innocent love, a remarkable bond, an underlying respect or value? What is wrong with me, what fault has brought me to where I am today? As I sit here the tear of surrender rolls down my cheek. I give up…my hopes defeated.
Several months now I have been on my own, seeking independence. I stand here before my life, almost 25 years old and lost. At one point I knew what I wanted, where I would go…I had a plan. Now, I don’t know what to make of my inside anymore. The mere reflection of confidence is the strength I maintain for my children. They need a structured environment, the ability to be kids, and trust I will keep them secure. The exposure to my intimate emotion causes my breakdown and the tears leave me feeling trounced. The river of doubt flows from my eyes, I bow my head while wiping my dreams of being enveloped with love from my face. I seek no longer…
Love…Once a reality, now a parable
~Nina~
Grabbing a dictionary, with the hope to bring some sort of concrete idea to the meaning of this word, I am faced with a laundry list of definitions, explanations, and examples. The first four, in my opinion, are the top four defining words of love:
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
I have been a participant with each of the listed above areas of love with more than one person of my past. As a little girl, I invested everything I had into the idea of a soul-mate, one’s true love. As a grown woman, I have come to learn that the idea of a soul-mate is not a reality, but merely one’s fantasy…a past dream. No longer do I believe in one’s true love…love is a condition that can grow with each relationship a person may have within a lifetime.
Whole-heartedly I am a romantic person from the core, outward. I respected and worshiped the entire sanctified idea of marriage. To be a wife, I was proud to hold the title and valued my position of being the sounding board to one’s life. My first husband I adored and worked very hard for. I was crushed as I watched him drive down the road and demoralized as I learned of his affair. I questioned my whole character with great doubt of my internal worth. Meeting my second husband, I developed and grew a deep affection of rooted admiration as well. Again, I worked with determination and pressed on through all the challenges thrown my way. The power of my love for him made the ability of separating myself from him extremely difficult. Regardless of the damage of his violent behavior, I will always love him…he is the father of my children, a man I had a profound connection with.
For the second time I am left to question my own self. Why don’t I deserve the purity of an innocent love, a remarkable bond, an underlying respect or value? What is wrong with me, what fault has brought me to where I am today? As I sit here the tear of surrender rolls down my cheek. I give up…my hopes defeated.
Several months now I have been on my own, seeking independence. I stand here before my life, almost 25 years old and lost. At one point I knew what I wanted, where I would go…I had a plan. Now, I don’t know what to make of my inside anymore. The mere reflection of confidence is the strength I maintain for my children. They need a structured environment, the ability to be kids, and trust I will keep them secure. The exposure to my intimate emotion causes my breakdown and the tears leave me feeling trounced. The river of doubt flows from my eyes, I bow my head while wiping my dreams of being enveloped with love from my face. I seek no longer…
Love…Once a reality, now a parable
~Nina~
June 3, 2010
Extreme Exhaustion…Good Night
I have had a very loaded and busy with work as I am feeling drained. I am apologizing as I am unable to draft the emotions of my day. I must try and lay down earlier than I have the past two nights. The end of the work week approaches as tomorrow is Friday. Rest I need...
Tune in tomorrow…Expression of today awaits tomorrow's entry
~Nina~
Tune in tomorrow…Expression of today awaits tomorrow's entry
~Nina~
June 2, 2010
Pride Filled Moments
Last night I struggled to sleep. I am thinking the combination of a new environment and today being my big day to hit my block group, the anticipation had my nerves all sorts of on overdrive. Rising early, I climbed into the shower, visualized my day, and drafted my route to that of a successful one. One thing that every great writer has is the ability to structure a very solid first draft. That is just what I did, today was awesome as I knocked it out of the ballpark.
Ironing my clothes left me feeling very much put together. My style, jazz, and humor all set my sails free as I glide into the depths of piecing together a very successful woman. My appearance is of strength and determination. I am a people person. The ability to adapt and invite conversation is a gift that suits me well with my job. This is my element, a use for my talents.
Today I met a very interesting individual. His story inspired me. As we chatted over a casual breakfast I found myself intrigued with the journey his life has taken him. The success of entrepreneurship, raising his children as a single parent, adventurous trips around the world, and all here for me to appreciate. He asked a little about my background and of who I am. Sharing a few pieces left me feeling very proud of whom I have become. I walked out of the little café with my head held high. He reflected that he admired me…a man of greater generations, a person I was moved by, respected the woman that peers back at me in the mirror.
The remainder of my day was of great achievement. Focus was my ground and organization pulled me effortlessly through my assignment. Making my way to a grocery store allowed me to maintain my nutritional schedule of healthy fruits, vast veggies, and meals of empowerment. Celebrating last night over a fabulous supper with my team was well deserved, but I felt prevailing as I was able to pull myself back to my structured lifestyle. Every minute, every hour…I was independently sifting through all my apprehensions until I was only left with a fine dust of pride.
Run the race…Endurance for the distance
~Nina~
Ironing my clothes left me feeling very much put together. My style, jazz, and humor all set my sails free as I glide into the depths of piecing together a very successful woman. My appearance is of strength and determination. I am a people person. The ability to adapt and invite conversation is a gift that suits me well with my job. This is my element, a use for my talents.
Today I met a very interesting individual. His story inspired me. As we chatted over a casual breakfast I found myself intrigued with the journey his life has taken him. The success of entrepreneurship, raising his children as a single parent, adventurous trips around the world, and all here for me to appreciate. He asked a little about my background and of who I am. Sharing a few pieces left me feeling very proud of whom I have become. I walked out of the little café with my head held high. He reflected that he admired me…a man of greater generations, a person I was moved by, respected the woman that peers back at me in the mirror.
The remainder of my day was of great achievement. Focus was my ground and organization pulled me effortlessly through my assignment. Making my way to a grocery store allowed me to maintain my nutritional schedule of healthy fruits, vast veggies, and meals of empowerment. Celebrating last night over a fabulous supper with my team was well deserved, but I felt prevailing as I was able to pull myself back to my structured lifestyle. Every minute, every hour…I was independently sifting through all my apprehensions until I was only left with a fine dust of pride.
Run the race…Endurance for the distance
~Nina~
June 1, 2010
Facing Fears…Driving Grounds
My childhood was filled with back roads and dirt clouds billowing. Growing up in the country brought me some of my finest characteristics. I am a down-to-earth gal with an easy going nature. My current demographics are comfortable for me while living in a subtle town, but prefer to purchase myself a chunk of land one day and build my dreams out in the vast calmness of the country setting. Today I headed to a world I am very much uncomfortable with. This lady is not a city girl. The car was packed and I was on my way towards an adventure of a lifetime.
Here is the narrative from my eyes…
The ride had been fairly comfortable with the traffic quantity she is accustomed to…split highway and two lanes one way. Listening to the adventures of an audio book, she gazed at the time. “Should be there in 20 minutes,” she stated to herself. Changing modes back to live radio she was feeling confident. The new project she was placed on for work might just be what the doctor ordered. Venturing the depths of working in a more independent manner has left her excited, yet a bit nervous. Determination to prove her value to the company pushes her drive for success.
Lifting the lever to signal right, she took the exit that was her entrance to the desired community and a moment of great anxiety. The flood of vehicles alarmed her as she used her left blinker to make her way onto the main artery of this commuting circulation. Hands wrapped around the steering wheel and her knuckles white she yells out, “Sweet Jesus! Three lane, four lane traffic…no way man, I was not made for this!” Deciding that the middle lane was the safest she settled into a less panicked state and resided in a slightly elevated level of stress.
She took a deep breath as she reached her exit off of the complete chaos. One wrong turn sent her heart rate back up as she surrendered to the driving Gods. “Please, just get me to the hotel,” she expressed in a defeated tone. Looking in the rearview she didn’t see the procession of cars behind her, no she saw that her back seat was empty. She was alone, this was her chance to lasso her fears and wrangle her apprehensions of driving in large cities. “You can do this,” she coached her way through the maze of streets.
There it was…the sign of her destination waving her in. The only thing that stood between her and getting out of the car was road construction. Her first thought was, ‘seriously, does absolutely everything that could present challenge have to surface all in one day?’ Shaking it off, she managed to work the roads like Pac-Man winding through the maze of orange cones to triumph.
Parking the vehicle, she got out and jumped for the euphoric rush of arriving in one piece. Resisting the urge to kiss the ground she smoothed out her clothes and walked with the sass of a confident, independent woman. Professional, she for sure is a qualified candidate for the job. One minor hurdle opened up a vault of courage for the young woman.
…That woman was me
The valuable lesson I learned today is, “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger!” Yes, today I have brought light and laughter towards myself…a very important quality that gets me through most of my days. In all seriousness though, I feel greatly accomplished. When I got back in the car I tootled around and maintained my anxiousness by refocusing it into poise behind the steering wheel. I will leave this town a more self-assured driver!
Challenge accepted…Victory sweet
~Nina~
Here is the narrative from my eyes…
The ride had been fairly comfortable with the traffic quantity she is accustomed to…split highway and two lanes one way. Listening to the adventures of an audio book, she gazed at the time. “Should be there in 20 minutes,” she stated to herself. Changing modes back to live radio she was feeling confident. The new project she was placed on for work might just be what the doctor ordered. Venturing the depths of working in a more independent manner has left her excited, yet a bit nervous. Determination to prove her value to the company pushes her drive for success.
Lifting the lever to signal right, she took the exit that was her entrance to the desired community and a moment of great anxiety. The flood of vehicles alarmed her as she used her left blinker to make her way onto the main artery of this commuting circulation. Hands wrapped around the steering wheel and her knuckles white she yells out, “Sweet Jesus! Three lane, four lane traffic…no way man, I was not made for this!” Deciding that the middle lane was the safest she settled into a less panicked state and resided in a slightly elevated level of stress.
She took a deep breath as she reached her exit off of the complete chaos. One wrong turn sent her heart rate back up as she surrendered to the driving Gods. “Please, just get me to the hotel,” she expressed in a defeated tone. Looking in the rearview she didn’t see the procession of cars behind her, no she saw that her back seat was empty. She was alone, this was her chance to lasso her fears and wrangle her apprehensions of driving in large cities. “You can do this,” she coached her way through the maze of streets.
There it was…the sign of her destination waving her in. The only thing that stood between her and getting out of the car was road construction. Her first thought was, ‘seriously, does absolutely everything that could present challenge have to surface all in one day?’ Shaking it off, she managed to work the roads like Pac-Man winding through the maze of orange cones to triumph.
Parking the vehicle, she got out and jumped for the euphoric rush of arriving in one piece. Resisting the urge to kiss the ground she smoothed out her clothes and walked with the sass of a confident, independent woman. Professional, she for sure is a qualified candidate for the job. One minor hurdle opened up a vault of courage for the young woman.
…That woman was me
The valuable lesson I learned today is, “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger!” Yes, today I have brought light and laughter towards myself…a very important quality that gets me through most of my days. In all seriousness though, I feel greatly accomplished. When I got back in the car I tootled around and maintained my anxiousness by refocusing it into poise behind the steering wheel. I will leave this town a more self-assured driver!
Challenge accepted…Victory sweet
~Nina~
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