Today was a calmer day. I felt a weight lift off of me after my earliest correspondence this morning. There is a line of protection put in place to separate his ability to verbally degrade and emotionally abuse me anymore. I am not going to lie, I was terrified as he has threatened me twice in regards to me taking action to defend myself. I couldn’t allow safety to be jeopardized, so I mustered enough courage to place much needed boundaries once again.
My life enters another whole pool of change once again. I gave him a chance; I went out on a limb to trust all the changes he expressed to me. Just as each time I hoped and prayed before, this time was another time I believed that it would never happen again. I noticed different behavior and subtle differences. At first I questioned the substance of his change, but eventually re-instilled some trust with him. I want nothing more than a relationship of quality to raise our children and I assumed us to be on the same page working toward the same goal. Then little by little the red flags started to release and my alert began to heighten. This wasn’t an easy day…no day has been or ever will be.
At some point I hope his battle within ends. He is losing focus on his personal goals as his emotions implode and regain his original cycle. The release of anger and drive to seek control is overtaking his mind, body, and soul. I pray, tonight I pray for him.
Where does my life go from here? How do I once again canvas my internal struggles into positive energy of survival? Faith, the invested loyalty to myself will begin to structure my agenda. Grabbing the steering wheel, looking forward, and appreciating the knowledge that the past brings me will help me build a sound future. Nurturing my essence by surrounding myself with the correct people will aid in this flowering process.
There was a particular conversation today that I waited for all day. When the clock struck 4pm I began to get antsy with anticipation. Eventually my phone rang and the voice on the other end immediately brought comfort. The warm embrace of the entire banter surfaced a security and drive to my heart. Thank you, my appreciation to this person is more than they know.
Several phrases speak to me over and over, “I want you to feel confident, to feel empowered.” Don’t allow him to have this control…I cannot allow him to keep this power. The touching words of, “I think you are amazing,” soften my rigid doubt. Tonight I hung up the phone and stood before the mirror. The woman gazing back at me did indeed look exhausted, but stood with better posture as this person instilled a spark of credence that I need in myself.
I placed my right hand over my heart tonight. The rhythmic beat reminded me that I am not dead, though I emotional feel like parts of me died I am actually very much alive. My life is mine to venture. I must pick up the pieces, learn from past mistakes, and triumph my future. This again will not happen overnight, but the process can begin right now.
"The steady restructuring can once again carry her to the heights of successful esteem while her earned determination will keep her there this time" Written by: Nina
Comfort of one…Embraced sanction
~Nina~
June 9, 2010
June 8, 2010
Fear Captured…Isolation Built
Never did I ever think I would be at this moment ever again in my life. Today my heart stopped as the emotions emerged from my body. It was as if I was standing still and watching a rerun of January 25, 2010. Tears streamed down my face. The terror, his anger, the words, and his intimidation…he grabbed me with his words and emotionally violated me to the point of physical ailment.
Agitation was very prominent in his voice today. His anger wasn’t with me, but I am his emotional beating post regardless of his tension coming from a different relationship in his life. His behavior has been building, reverting back to his original patterns. For a few weeks I have witnessed and experienced his cycle of abuse once again. His actions that surrounded me with fear today left me with the history of his physical outbursts flashing before my eyes.
Panic wrapped me and embraced me with such strength the fear purged from my stomach. Crouched in the bathroom I heaved with emotion. A river of trepidation poured from my heart and the moisture blurred my vision. Crumbling into an emotional pile on the tiled floor I felt defeated. He wins…I will never be able to live without the slander, the abuse.
The ability to stand dissolved as he slashed my heart, “I want nothing to do with you or those fucking kids.” Breathing difficult, my heart racing…this man hates me. There I was, slouched and unsure how I was going to pull myself together. After the first, “you fucking cunt” he lost all control and drove right through my soul. His displacement of blame for his losses penetrated me, “This is your fucking fault, because you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut.” One of the last things he told me today was, “Remember when you said you feared the day I would wake up and just hate you…that day is very close.” As I breakdown I realize this, he already does…he reached that point along time ago.
Months of reassuring myself and inward coaching I was able to scratch my way to the surface of the survival crater. I at one point was able to bask in the warmth of the sunshine waiting for me. Here I lay, enervated at the deepest void and casted with dark shadows once again. The dust of the bottom settles on my soul. Surrender is screaming its way out of my heart. Giving up is such an attractive option at this very moment. With a split second of the upward rise of my white flag my children’s faces flash in front of me. No, pulling my arm down…I won’t give up. I will find a way to defend myself. I will protect my children and their futures. I will enforce boundaries of safety.
This entire process has been of great difficulty. Some days I carry defeat and the desire to quit, slipping back into the part of society no one knew existed. Some days I feel it would be simplest to just let him come home and the abuse is an easier option than trying to survive him. Other days I just feel exhausted with defeat and no self worth. The rest of the days I try to dig deep and keep myself focused on the fact that I…that my kids deserve a life of happiness and safety. The path of self destruction leaves him unpredictable and unapproachable. As the scale tilts, the priority of protection takes precedence.
Power he grabs…control his feed
~Nina~
Agitation was very prominent in his voice today. His anger wasn’t with me, but I am his emotional beating post regardless of his tension coming from a different relationship in his life. His behavior has been building, reverting back to his original patterns. For a few weeks I have witnessed and experienced his cycle of abuse once again. His actions that surrounded me with fear today left me with the history of his physical outbursts flashing before my eyes.
Panic wrapped me and embraced me with such strength the fear purged from my stomach. Crouched in the bathroom I heaved with emotion. A river of trepidation poured from my heart and the moisture blurred my vision. Crumbling into an emotional pile on the tiled floor I felt defeated. He wins…I will never be able to live without the slander, the abuse.
The ability to stand dissolved as he slashed my heart, “I want nothing to do with you or those fucking kids.” Breathing difficult, my heart racing…this man hates me. There I was, slouched and unsure how I was going to pull myself together. After the first, “you fucking cunt” he lost all control and drove right through my soul. His displacement of blame for his losses penetrated me, “This is your fucking fault, because you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut.” One of the last things he told me today was, “Remember when you said you feared the day I would wake up and just hate you…that day is very close.” As I breakdown I realize this, he already does…he reached that point along time ago.
Months of reassuring myself and inward coaching I was able to scratch my way to the surface of the survival crater. I at one point was able to bask in the warmth of the sunshine waiting for me. Here I lay, enervated at the deepest void and casted with dark shadows once again. The dust of the bottom settles on my soul. Surrender is screaming its way out of my heart. Giving up is such an attractive option at this very moment. With a split second of the upward rise of my white flag my children’s faces flash in front of me. No, pulling my arm down…I won’t give up. I will find a way to defend myself. I will protect my children and their futures. I will enforce boundaries of safety.
This entire process has been of great difficulty. Some days I carry defeat and the desire to quit, slipping back into the part of society no one knew existed. Some days I feel it would be simplest to just let him come home and the abuse is an easier option than trying to survive him. Other days I just feel exhausted with defeat and no self worth. The rest of the days I try to dig deep and keep myself focused on the fact that I…that my kids deserve a life of happiness and safety. The path of self destruction leaves him unpredictable and unapproachable. As the scale tilts, the priority of protection takes precedence.
Power he grabs…control his feed
~Nina~
June 7, 2010
Judgment…Defining Characteristics
Driving today I was allowed ample time to ponder my most inner thoughts of the day. People, individuals, the human race…who are we, what makes us the way we are? Judgment day is everyday in this world. An opinion can be formed by appearance, social confidence, education, and so much more. The opportunity to full understand someone will be pushed to one side if a preconceived notion is formed by one’s cover. Please, don’t rule out a great read based on limited knowledge.
What contributes to the blueprints of our personalities? Past experiences are a huge factor in how we will one day cope, what we will tolerate, and how we will react. Comfort with certain emotions can open one’s essence up or build a well structured barrier round one’s heart. My belief is that everyone deserves to embrace deep happiness and relish in the warmth of a profound love. However one approaches the route of accepting true and raw emotion is entirely up to that person’s comfort, but their coping mechanism doesn’t mark them less deserving.
Future apprehensions also will mold the current acceptance of certain emotions. Fear is a very powerful feeling that can cause one to halt from the core outward. Knowing the state of one’s character will structure another with the positive ability to adapt while bringing comfort to extreme anxieties. Having the understanding of oneself will hold a level of empowerment like no other.
Learning, I have learned so much about myself and my own coping methods. Judgment, I will not pass this upon anyone. I have been on the receiving end of harsh and unwarranted judgment. I have suffered vast names thrown my way and washed of connection as people didn’t take the time or opportunity to learn what makes my clock tick. Faults…this world may veiw them as an influence of negativity weighing on one’s being and I view them as individuality. There is no such thing as normal, or the perfect person…the unexpected, the spontaneous freedom allows us all to contribute to the world on a positive measure.
Take a moment…just once. Strike a conversation with a complete stranger. I can guarantee that a level of inspiration will hover as you continue with your day. We all have stories, experiences, pasts…we are all a colorful part of what makes the world go round. Don’t judge another and more importantly, don’t judge yourself. Respect who you have and ponder your own path of development. Know that you deserve the purest love and deepest happiness this world can offer. Smile, the power will bring illuminate your entire day.
All just a piece of a very large puzzle…That puzzle—society
~Nina~
What contributes to the blueprints of our personalities? Past experiences are a huge factor in how we will one day cope, what we will tolerate, and how we will react. Comfort with certain emotions can open one’s essence up or build a well structured barrier round one’s heart. My belief is that everyone deserves to embrace deep happiness and relish in the warmth of a profound love. However one approaches the route of accepting true and raw emotion is entirely up to that person’s comfort, but their coping mechanism doesn’t mark them less deserving.
Future apprehensions also will mold the current acceptance of certain emotions. Fear is a very powerful feeling that can cause one to halt from the core outward. Knowing the state of one’s character will structure another with the positive ability to adapt while bringing comfort to extreme anxieties. Having the understanding of oneself will hold a level of empowerment like no other.
Learning, I have learned so much about myself and my own coping methods. Judgment, I will not pass this upon anyone. I have been on the receiving end of harsh and unwarranted judgment. I have suffered vast names thrown my way and washed of connection as people didn’t take the time or opportunity to learn what makes my clock tick. Faults…this world may veiw them as an influence of negativity weighing on one’s being and I view them as individuality. There is no such thing as normal, or the perfect person…the unexpected, the spontaneous freedom allows us all to contribute to the world on a positive measure.
Take a moment…just once. Strike a conversation with a complete stranger. I can guarantee that a level of inspiration will hover as you continue with your day. We all have stories, experiences, pasts…we are all a colorful part of what makes the world go round. Don’t judge another and more importantly, don’t judge yourself. Respect who you have and ponder your own path of development. Know that you deserve the purest love and deepest happiness this world can offer. Smile, the power will bring illuminate your entire day.
All just a piece of a very large puzzle…That puzzle—society
~Nina~
June 5, 2010
Love...Fable or Veracity
What is love, the idea of love? What is it that makes love so attractive and desired? Why is it that the very emotion that brings euphoric release also brings a heart wrenching pain? Lust or love…simple vs. complex, both are pleasurable as well as dangerous. The past few days I have pondered, what is it that someone seeks with love? Is it someone who will adore, be a lover, a companion, or to have that one person that can be trusted? Love, the emotion of deep connection, visualized fantasy, and prayed for security…the feelings most surrender to with the acceptance of becoming vulnerable.
Grabbing a dictionary, with the hope to bring some sort of concrete idea to the meaning of this word, I am faced with a laundry list of definitions, explanations, and examples. The first four, in my opinion, are the top four defining words of love:
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
I have been a participant with each of the listed above areas of love with more than one person of my past. As a little girl, I invested everything I had into the idea of a soul-mate, one’s true love. As a grown woman, I have come to learn that the idea of a soul-mate is not a reality, but merely one’s fantasy…a past dream. No longer do I believe in one’s true love…love is a condition that can grow with each relationship a person may have within a lifetime.
Whole-heartedly I am a romantic person from the core, outward. I respected and worshiped the entire sanctified idea of marriage. To be a wife, I was proud to hold the title and valued my position of being the sounding board to one’s life. My first husband I adored and worked very hard for. I was crushed as I watched him drive down the road and demoralized as I learned of his affair. I questioned my whole character with great doubt of my internal worth. Meeting my second husband, I developed and grew a deep affection of rooted admiration as well. Again, I worked with determination and pressed on through all the challenges thrown my way. The power of my love for him made the ability of separating myself from him extremely difficult. Regardless of the damage of his violent behavior, I will always love him…he is the father of my children, a man I had a profound connection with.
For the second time I am left to question my own self. Why don’t I deserve the purity of an innocent love, a remarkable bond, an underlying respect or value? What is wrong with me, what fault has brought me to where I am today? As I sit here the tear of surrender rolls down my cheek. I give up…my hopes defeated.
Several months now I have been on my own, seeking independence. I stand here before my life, almost 25 years old and lost. At one point I knew what I wanted, where I would go…I had a plan. Now, I don’t know what to make of my inside anymore. The mere reflection of confidence is the strength I maintain for my children. They need a structured environment, the ability to be kids, and trust I will keep them secure. The exposure to my intimate emotion causes my breakdown and the tears leave me feeling trounced. The river of doubt flows from my eyes, I bow my head while wiping my dreams of being enveloped with love from my face. I seek no longer…
Love…Once a reality, now a parable
~Nina~
Grabbing a dictionary, with the hope to bring some sort of concrete idea to the meaning of this word, I am faced with a laundry list of definitions, explanations, and examples. The first four, in my opinion, are the top four defining words of love:
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
I have been a participant with each of the listed above areas of love with more than one person of my past. As a little girl, I invested everything I had into the idea of a soul-mate, one’s true love. As a grown woman, I have come to learn that the idea of a soul-mate is not a reality, but merely one’s fantasy…a past dream. No longer do I believe in one’s true love…love is a condition that can grow with each relationship a person may have within a lifetime.
Whole-heartedly I am a romantic person from the core, outward. I respected and worshiped the entire sanctified idea of marriage. To be a wife, I was proud to hold the title and valued my position of being the sounding board to one’s life. My first husband I adored and worked very hard for. I was crushed as I watched him drive down the road and demoralized as I learned of his affair. I questioned my whole character with great doubt of my internal worth. Meeting my second husband, I developed and grew a deep affection of rooted admiration as well. Again, I worked with determination and pressed on through all the challenges thrown my way. The power of my love for him made the ability of separating myself from him extremely difficult. Regardless of the damage of his violent behavior, I will always love him…he is the father of my children, a man I had a profound connection with.
For the second time I am left to question my own self. Why don’t I deserve the purity of an innocent love, a remarkable bond, an underlying respect or value? What is wrong with me, what fault has brought me to where I am today? As I sit here the tear of surrender rolls down my cheek. I give up…my hopes defeated.
Several months now I have been on my own, seeking independence. I stand here before my life, almost 25 years old and lost. At one point I knew what I wanted, where I would go…I had a plan. Now, I don’t know what to make of my inside anymore. The mere reflection of confidence is the strength I maintain for my children. They need a structured environment, the ability to be kids, and trust I will keep them secure. The exposure to my intimate emotion causes my breakdown and the tears leave me feeling trounced. The river of doubt flows from my eyes, I bow my head while wiping my dreams of being enveloped with love from my face. I seek no longer…
Love…Once a reality, now a parable
~Nina~
June 3, 2010
Extreme Exhaustion…Good Night
I have had a very loaded and busy with work as I am feeling drained. I am apologizing as I am unable to draft the emotions of my day. I must try and lay down earlier than I have the past two nights. The end of the work week approaches as tomorrow is Friday. Rest I need...
Tune in tomorrow…Expression of today awaits tomorrow's entry
~Nina~
Tune in tomorrow…Expression of today awaits tomorrow's entry
~Nina~
June 2, 2010
Pride Filled Moments
Last night I struggled to sleep. I am thinking the combination of a new environment and today being my big day to hit my block group, the anticipation had my nerves all sorts of on overdrive. Rising early, I climbed into the shower, visualized my day, and drafted my route to that of a successful one. One thing that every great writer has is the ability to structure a very solid first draft. That is just what I did, today was awesome as I knocked it out of the ballpark.
Ironing my clothes left me feeling very much put together. My style, jazz, and humor all set my sails free as I glide into the depths of piecing together a very successful woman. My appearance is of strength and determination. I am a people person. The ability to adapt and invite conversation is a gift that suits me well with my job. This is my element, a use for my talents.
Today I met a very interesting individual. His story inspired me. As we chatted over a casual breakfast I found myself intrigued with the journey his life has taken him. The success of entrepreneurship, raising his children as a single parent, adventurous trips around the world, and all here for me to appreciate. He asked a little about my background and of who I am. Sharing a few pieces left me feeling very proud of whom I have become. I walked out of the little café with my head held high. He reflected that he admired me…a man of greater generations, a person I was moved by, respected the woman that peers back at me in the mirror.
The remainder of my day was of great achievement. Focus was my ground and organization pulled me effortlessly through my assignment. Making my way to a grocery store allowed me to maintain my nutritional schedule of healthy fruits, vast veggies, and meals of empowerment. Celebrating last night over a fabulous supper with my team was well deserved, but I felt prevailing as I was able to pull myself back to my structured lifestyle. Every minute, every hour…I was independently sifting through all my apprehensions until I was only left with a fine dust of pride.
Run the race…Endurance for the distance
~Nina~
Ironing my clothes left me feeling very much put together. My style, jazz, and humor all set my sails free as I glide into the depths of piecing together a very successful woman. My appearance is of strength and determination. I am a people person. The ability to adapt and invite conversation is a gift that suits me well with my job. This is my element, a use for my talents.
Today I met a very interesting individual. His story inspired me. As we chatted over a casual breakfast I found myself intrigued with the journey his life has taken him. The success of entrepreneurship, raising his children as a single parent, adventurous trips around the world, and all here for me to appreciate. He asked a little about my background and of who I am. Sharing a few pieces left me feeling very proud of whom I have become. I walked out of the little café with my head held high. He reflected that he admired me…a man of greater generations, a person I was moved by, respected the woman that peers back at me in the mirror.
The remainder of my day was of great achievement. Focus was my ground and organization pulled me effortlessly through my assignment. Making my way to a grocery store allowed me to maintain my nutritional schedule of healthy fruits, vast veggies, and meals of empowerment. Celebrating last night over a fabulous supper with my team was well deserved, but I felt prevailing as I was able to pull myself back to my structured lifestyle. Every minute, every hour…I was independently sifting through all my apprehensions until I was only left with a fine dust of pride.
Run the race…Endurance for the distance
~Nina~
June 1, 2010
Facing Fears…Driving Grounds
My childhood was filled with back roads and dirt clouds billowing. Growing up in the country brought me some of my finest characteristics. I am a down-to-earth gal with an easy going nature. My current demographics are comfortable for me while living in a subtle town, but prefer to purchase myself a chunk of land one day and build my dreams out in the vast calmness of the country setting. Today I headed to a world I am very much uncomfortable with. This lady is not a city girl. The car was packed and I was on my way towards an adventure of a lifetime.
Here is the narrative from my eyes…
The ride had been fairly comfortable with the traffic quantity she is accustomed to…split highway and two lanes one way. Listening to the adventures of an audio book, she gazed at the time. “Should be there in 20 minutes,” she stated to herself. Changing modes back to live radio she was feeling confident. The new project she was placed on for work might just be what the doctor ordered. Venturing the depths of working in a more independent manner has left her excited, yet a bit nervous. Determination to prove her value to the company pushes her drive for success.
Lifting the lever to signal right, she took the exit that was her entrance to the desired community and a moment of great anxiety. The flood of vehicles alarmed her as she used her left blinker to make her way onto the main artery of this commuting circulation. Hands wrapped around the steering wheel and her knuckles white she yells out, “Sweet Jesus! Three lane, four lane traffic…no way man, I was not made for this!” Deciding that the middle lane was the safest she settled into a less panicked state and resided in a slightly elevated level of stress.
She took a deep breath as she reached her exit off of the complete chaos. One wrong turn sent her heart rate back up as she surrendered to the driving Gods. “Please, just get me to the hotel,” she expressed in a defeated tone. Looking in the rearview she didn’t see the procession of cars behind her, no she saw that her back seat was empty. She was alone, this was her chance to lasso her fears and wrangle her apprehensions of driving in large cities. “You can do this,” she coached her way through the maze of streets.
There it was…the sign of her destination waving her in. The only thing that stood between her and getting out of the car was road construction. Her first thought was, ‘seriously, does absolutely everything that could present challenge have to surface all in one day?’ Shaking it off, she managed to work the roads like Pac-Man winding through the maze of orange cones to triumph.
Parking the vehicle, she got out and jumped for the euphoric rush of arriving in one piece. Resisting the urge to kiss the ground she smoothed out her clothes and walked with the sass of a confident, independent woman. Professional, she for sure is a qualified candidate for the job. One minor hurdle opened up a vault of courage for the young woman.
…That woman was me
The valuable lesson I learned today is, “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger!” Yes, today I have brought light and laughter towards myself…a very important quality that gets me through most of my days. In all seriousness though, I feel greatly accomplished. When I got back in the car I tootled around and maintained my anxiousness by refocusing it into poise behind the steering wheel. I will leave this town a more self-assured driver!
Challenge accepted…Victory sweet
~Nina~
Here is the narrative from my eyes…
The ride had been fairly comfortable with the traffic quantity she is accustomed to…split highway and two lanes one way. Listening to the adventures of an audio book, she gazed at the time. “Should be there in 20 minutes,” she stated to herself. Changing modes back to live radio she was feeling confident. The new project she was placed on for work might just be what the doctor ordered. Venturing the depths of working in a more independent manner has left her excited, yet a bit nervous. Determination to prove her value to the company pushes her drive for success.
Lifting the lever to signal right, she took the exit that was her entrance to the desired community and a moment of great anxiety. The flood of vehicles alarmed her as she used her left blinker to make her way onto the main artery of this commuting circulation. Hands wrapped around the steering wheel and her knuckles white she yells out, “Sweet Jesus! Three lane, four lane traffic…no way man, I was not made for this!” Deciding that the middle lane was the safest she settled into a less panicked state and resided in a slightly elevated level of stress.
She took a deep breath as she reached her exit off of the complete chaos. One wrong turn sent her heart rate back up as she surrendered to the driving Gods. “Please, just get me to the hotel,” she expressed in a defeated tone. Looking in the rearview she didn’t see the procession of cars behind her, no she saw that her back seat was empty. She was alone, this was her chance to lasso her fears and wrangle her apprehensions of driving in large cities. “You can do this,” she coached her way through the maze of streets.
There it was…the sign of her destination waving her in. The only thing that stood between her and getting out of the car was road construction. Her first thought was, ‘seriously, does absolutely everything that could present challenge have to surface all in one day?’ Shaking it off, she managed to work the roads like Pac-Man winding through the maze of orange cones to triumph.
Parking the vehicle, she got out and jumped for the euphoric rush of arriving in one piece. Resisting the urge to kiss the ground she smoothed out her clothes and walked with the sass of a confident, independent woman. Professional, she for sure is a qualified candidate for the job. One minor hurdle opened up a vault of courage for the young woman.
…That woman was me
The valuable lesson I learned today is, “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger!” Yes, today I have brought light and laughter towards myself…a very important quality that gets me through most of my days. In all seriousness though, I feel greatly accomplished. When I got back in the car I tootled around and maintained my anxiousness by refocusing it into poise behind the steering wheel. I will leave this town a more self-assured driver!
Challenge accepted…Victory sweet
~Nina~
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