The morning presented itself early today. When I first opened my eyes I even questioned my ability to remember what day it was. Relieved as it was Sunday I would have one more day with my blessed trio to relax before heading into another demanding work week. To my dismay it was not the day I imagined. Today was a day of difficulty for my children. Chloe asked several times about Daddy today and remained unsatisfied with the answers I gave her. The boys are not able to verbalize what they are feeling exactly, but a mother knows and today I could tell was a day where the void in their hearts was pulling at them as well.
A day like today tears me apart from the inside out. I remain composed and pour everything I have into easing my children’s pain, but the burning desire to tell him just how badly he has hurt us idles within leaving this silent storm ripping my inside to pieces. As I rock each of them, hug them, and devote myself to all of them I promise to be the woman they deserve. I am a mother and that is my first priority. Their safety as well as their well-being has been and remains my focus.
As his face flashes before my eyes I become angry. I am mad at him no doubt. Why couldn’t he be the man we needed him to be? Why couldn’t he stand in front of the mirror and take responsibility for his behavior? Why can’t he seek the help he needs to develop the strength to be the father my children need? He sold each one of us short! At this very moment I struggle as I wish I had the opportunity to express to him just how much damage he has caused, but it wouldn’t matter as he is a man of no ownership.
What would I say if I could…
You are a man of excuses. Your ever dying need to blame others for your actions or others causing you to carry such deep anger has destroyed more than you can repair. Our children deserve so much more and you can’t see past the face that peers back at you in the mirror. When will life stop being about you and how you can get what you want with the least amount of effort? When will you buckle your bootstraps and dig deep, find the desire to be a father of substance? Your choices and yearning to push boundaries, to ride that fine line of gray has cost our children deep pain! Damnit…I remained focused on what I could do to bring a co-parent unity and give our children what they deserved—two loving parents. You took advantage of me and ran with my values as you tried to overpower once again. You have every minute of everyday to focus on yourself right now. Are you using this time to become healthy? Are you going to be the man they need? As you see my face and feel that deep sense of hatred can you just once think about our children’s needs. They are innocent in this entire situation and their future should be the most important thing. That is where my energy remains….I will give them the life they deserve and present them the opportunities of growth that they need. I will be the best mother I can be and love them whole-heartedly. I live for them!
…Knowing I won’t get the chance, I just turn this negativity into a positive energy for my children.
When I finally got them to rest my heart broke. The tears of fury, sadness, and pain streamed down my face as I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. Through my blurred vision I asked myself, “Tell me how I can get them through these days, how do I keep them from feeling unworthy…lost?” I nodded to myself as I knew the answer, “Love them, love them with everything you have! Hug them, give them adventure. Do what it takes to give them a heart of happiness.” I just need to keep doing what I am doing. Their lives are my hub of concentration.
These tears are the emotion that must pour from my heart. I cannot keep things pent up as that will cause unhealthy frustration brewing. I am not an angry person…I am not him. As I wipe my cheek I am vowing to dry the river of despair from this family’s future. Each day will bring this strength each of us needs to persevere. Our unity bonds us tightly and our love will carry us through.
Absence felt…Embraced hope remains
~Nina~
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