Falling Pieces…Places Found

The past few days I have felt very empowered and strong. I have looked in the mirror with confidence while embracing these new found feelings of assuring peace. For once I feel that the pieces I have been torn into are now starting to fall into place and form a visual of the internal serenity I have searched so long for. Seven months ago I was backed into a hole of the most encasing darkness, but today I feel illuminated by the brightest light of hope. I am going to be ok.

Reflecting upon my day I have to say that again I have been blessed with more than can be expressed. The kids and I had company this evening. The moments of conversation and outside adventure left me with a night I will never forget. We played t-ball, raced, and climbed on the swing set. There is one particular individual that was a special part of my day. This person has shared moments of hearty laughter, soulful kindness, and been there for me, enveloped me with security as I have opened up to work through past memories of pain. This person is very important to me and I thank God each day that our paths have crossed.

As I sit here to evaluate what I am feeling at this very moment I become overwhelmed. The emotion wells and this tear that rolls down my cheek is a tear of deep appreciation…of happiness. The moisture is warm and of inspiritment as I reflect upon the support I have had through this entire journey as being remarkable.

I had felt hopeless and lost. I had accepted myself as unworthy and undeserving. As the veil lifted to expose the life I had been living, the abuse he had been conducting I felt ashamed as I believed his pressing fault of me causing him to lose control. What I have learned is that I am not responsible for his behavior. People are in control of their own mannerisms and methods of reaction. He lacks that ability to accept ownership for his behavior and searches for validation as in his eyes all of his reactions are due to a cause of someone else trying to hurt him. As he looked in the mirror, the only image he saw was a continual victim with a wide spread theory of conspiracy to slander his character. There is nothing I could have done to prevent his anger or ease his pain, believe me I tried. He needs to find what it is that he can do for himself to present himself with happiness. Money, possessions, and people will not fulfill the void within if someone suffers from lowered self-esteem or depression. Utilizing the tools to gain a healthy self image will be the foundation of a true heal…I know, I have done it.

My appreciation for every set of arms that has hugged me through this, every word of encouragement expressed, and every ounce of faith believed in me goes beyond the measurable. I have realized that I am worth something as the avenues of support were endless. The journey has taught me tons about myself and as this endeavor continues I remain the acceptance of my benefits of self-actualization. I have gained a sense of appreciation for myself. I know I have been destined to overcome this with a positive energy. I am meant to rise above and bring forth affirmation that survival isn’t a dream, it is an achievement.

Soothing sunset…Composure captured

~Nina~