Wonder Where…Wonder How

My recent focus has been to channel a positive energy into myself. I had a busy day ahead of me as my children are again sick and my duties as a mother stand forefront. Going from one set of needs to the other, my day was focused and going well. With the blinds open the encouraging aura filled the house. I was gaining a sense of pride within for myself.

With everyone napping I took an opportunity to get the things done around the house that needed to be completed. I plugged in the radio and the room was filled with the rhythm of life. Making progress I carried this essence of success with proper posture. Back and forth from the living room to the kitchen, with a pause to stop and gaze at the collage of family photos, I was left thinking about the love of my life. My heart sunk and I fought a tear as I touched the photo of my husband and me. My mind did manage to wander back to the task at hand as the dryer buzzed, but he maintained a faint image floating with me as I would look up thinking he was in the room.

I switched the laundry and began putting the dishes away. Halted, I abruptly froze in my tracks as a song on the radio clouded my mind. The song “Didn’t You Know How Much I Loved You” by Kelly Pickler presented a description of my insides at that very moment. I lost the strength in my knees and there I was crumpled on the floor crying, sobbing for the love I hold. I have so many questions for him. Troubled as I struggle with the pondering if I would be able to trust the answers he had for me. Why, why did he do this to me?

I later took a small snooze while the kids were napping. The vision that was offered as my mind drifted brought a continued sorrow to my heart. The dream contained a picture of me folding laundry and as I looked up I saw the truck. Peering out, I noticed that no one was in it. I continued with the laundry when my peripheral vision caught movement. It was him, my husband climbing in to the vehicle. I reached out and my fingers trembled as they touched the cold glass. He didn’t see me, he didn’t see my sadness…

Sitting up, I realized that it was only a dream. My heart raced and I paced the house. Questions circled, “Why? Where is he? Why did he do this to me? What did I do wrong? How did my life get here? What does our future hold?” To calm myself I tried to focus on another task I had on my list. As I meandered into my closet, I set the box down. There it was, my wedding dress. The dress I will never get to wear. The dress I couldn’t wait to put on and walk down an aisle towards him as we renewed our vows. The dream of a traditional wedding faded and again I embraced the surge of emotions. I wiped the moisture from my face, “How did I get here?” continued to recite over and over within my thoughts. How did I not see the abuse and stop it sooner? I did see it, I tried…I prayed that the love I had would help bring him light to his inner darkness. It wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough.

The rearrangement of furniture in several rooms symbolizes the rearrangement of emotion I have attempted for my inner being. It doesn’t matter how many times I shift the placement of certain feelings or emotions, the pain is still there. Today there was no getting away from the presence of grief for my marriage. I can’t shuffle my love, it is there…it remains. All I can do is again take the day and embrace it for I am human.

From the song, “I gave you everything, every part of me”

~Nina~