In the Eyes of a Victim

When I stood up and stepped forward, I entered the journey of surviving from my life of abuse. I was presented with a book. This is the piece I have referenced as being a 'paper weight,' the volume that occupies space in my backpack, and think about daily. Opening the book for the very first time surfaced a great deal of emotion and continues to bring me challenge. This book, the tool I am going to use to face my fears, acknowledge the reality, and put myself back together is titled, “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” The author, Lundy Bancroft, began working with and counseling abusive men in 1987. I haven’t read more than a hand full of pages, but I do have a couple of things I want to share…

Bancroft wrote, “One of my central reasons for writing this book is, ironically, to help you think about him less.” Those words spoke volumes to me, how did he know that all I do is think about my husband? Because that is what happens when you become the victim of chronic abuse, even the thought processes are possessed by the control he has. I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore, I question everything, everyday. Who am I? This is a question I need to answer and only I can answer.

As I described earlier, the first time I read the title I could hear my husband’s voice in my ear whispering that this was my fault, 'If only you would have done this, I wouldn’t have gotten angry.' I felt guilty and afraid that I even held this book in my hand as he always minimized his behavior towards me. The first few words sent a surge of emotion to the surface, tears poured down my face as I took in the things Bancroft described as an abusive man, and sobbed violently as their behaviors were all things I experienced daily. This next sentence caused me to shut down and place the book back onto the table, “Some women will find that being alone with this book is too difficult because it awakens feelings and realizations that are overwhelming.” This was so very true as by the time I reached this statement my vision was blurred from the cascade of emotion flowing from my eyes. I read it again, and said, “Not today, I am not ready.” That was weeks ago. I knew in my heart that these pages would bring me a clarity that I needed, but slow, I needed to take this slow.

An alarming picture of statistics brings me to the fence of, can I trust or should I trust? Bancroft provided several pieces of information on statistics at the time of this writing in 2002. Here are a few that continue to roll around inside my mind, “2 to 4 million women are assaulted by their partners per year in the United States. The U.S. Surgeon General has declared that attacks by male partners are the number on cause of injury to women between the ages of fifteen and forty-four. The American Medical Association reports that one woman out of three will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life.” The statistic that "one woman out of three” leaves me with a heavy sickness in my stomach. I resist the urge to vomit as I realize that of my registered followers, this would make three women who could experience this terrifying occurrence. As Bancroft describes the weight that the abuse of women places on children, he wrote, “Experts estimate that 5 million children per year witness an assault on their mothers, an experience that can leave them traumatized.” The message that sends heartache, this is a sentence that describes the effect this had on my daughter. She continues to describe the night my husband threw a can of formula at me. She woke up for weeks to check on me. These effects are what brought me to my continued stance of today, “No more abuse.” This last statement from Bancroft that I want to share today is this, “There are millions more women who have never been beaten but who live with repeated verbal assaults, humiliation, sexual coercion, and other forms of psychological abuse.” I was one of these millions of women whom experienced every one of those listed. Did my husband ever physically strike me? No. Did he intimidate me and terrify me with acts of physical aggression? Frequently. Did I fear my life and my safety; did this accompany the anticipation of him hitting me? Yes.

All of this information does what for me? I am trying to maintain a clear perspective as well as sort out my emotions. It all boils down to, “Can I ever be able to trust again?” Everyday I struggle with this desire to ask him questions, to see his reaction, and to feel his aura. What is the frequency of his break downs and dealings with anger now? Does he or will he recognize that this is like suffering the disease of alcoholism? Why should I believe that there is a guarantee that he will never hurt me again? Most importantly, what will he do if I am unable to ever reach a stable level of trust in him? What if it was too late…

There was a conversation that left me with added doubt. The statement was, “Maybe it will be good for a few weeks, 6 months, a year, or two years, but the abuse will come back.” Is it wrong to want a healthy life with him…I feel like the frustration of people surfaces that I anticipate for something, but deserve better. Love, devotion, and hope are all characteristics that strongly describe my essence. These have been accompanied with fear, withdrawn, and doubtful. The picture is clear, the parade of entries describes my insides strongly…I am everywhere on this map. The whirlwind experience of survival is harder than I ever imagined. Continuing to isolate myself isn’t the appropriate action to healing, but it is my initial reflex…I just want to be alone.

What am I left with…pieces…more pieces

~Nina~