A Swallow of Seclusion

Not one thing has brought ease to my heart today. My insides are torn and I have managed to keep them from becoming an uncontrolled flow of emotion this week for the most part, but as my fingers tap the keys tonight to bring a visual understanding of my emotions the tears trickle down my cheeks.

As I lifted my head from the pillow my hand searched his side. The bed remains empty, but I swore I could feel the warmth of his arm wrapped around me. Shattered as the dream I awoke from left me to cry, I looked to the heaven above and sobbed, “Why? Damnit, why couldn’t he stop?” I looked at the picture of us that I keep on the nightstand and I asked him, “Didn’t you love me? Don’t you love me?” Without an answer I pulled the covers back to wade my way through another tough day.

No matter what I did, today his image just didn’t seem to escape from my mind. Everything reminded me of his face, his voice, his scent, his stance. This great void in my heart brings me weak. As I filed my way through my to do list, one of my chores left me paused. A great sense of loss came as today is someone’s birthday. I have enjoyed creating bonds and building a family with the additions my marriage had brought. Where is my place? Where do I belong? The events have taken a stick and drawn a line, with or without intentions, in the sand. My footprints can’t cross, but maintain as I walk along this line. I pray each of them lives a life of prosperity. I may not get to be apart of a future addition or birthdays, but I will always love them and send a positive energy to each of them.

Several times through out my day I found myself holding myself up by bracing my hands on the counter, the table, the washer, and more. Why is today so hard? Not being able to put my finger on a reason, the emotion continued to escape from my essence. I tucked the kids in and as I kissed each of them goodnight a tear fell. As I turned the light off in my daughter’s room my reservation dissolved. I didn’t even make it down the stairs before the sobs of pain throbbed. I went into the laundry room; I stood in front of the long mirror and wondered. “What is wrong with me? What is the reason love has given up on me?”

My back sliding down the wall left me curled up on the floor. Alone, I could only seize an attempt in relief by allowing every feeling to pour out of me. I hugged myself as I have no other option at comfort. Isolation, the feeling of complete remoteness pulls my value lower. Pieces of me, my life lay scattered all around me. The foundation that couldn’t be built is a pile of rubble. I grab a few pieces, but none of them appear to fit together. My soul is an incomplete puzzle. The missing pieces form a hole that bleeds pain.

This day has brought a low. Can anyone understand the roller coaster of emotions as you sort out yourself while the dust settles? Searching for hope as the clouded vision brings strain? Questions that I am unsure I will ever be able to locate answers for.

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow…piecing together a desired strength…

~Nina~