Waterfall of Emotion…Assortment of Feeling

The vast arrangement of emotions my heart has expressed for a couple days has this feeling of familiarity of the early weeks of my early steps of rising above. The dust was seeming to settle, but this cloud hovers lately. I have attempted the determination of finding the answer and I have finally constructed a conclusion. This day was a day of importance, a day I looked forward to, a day I worked hard for, a day I stood alone fidgeting with my wedding ring, the day we celebrated my daughter’s third birthday, and this void, this emptiness followed me.

Each year there is a time that will come, bringing pride as a parent. When your child advances with another year under his or her belt you celebrate more than just the age. Today I rejoiced the milestones my daughter reached through out the past year, I clutched each precious moment of the last twelve months, and cherished her development thus far. The time has gone fast and only seems to be accelerating even faster without notice. The sand is slipping through my fingers and I just want to halt the clock…God please, we need things to slow down. We need more time.

Pure happiness filled her little heart today. Her wish was a bowling party and her desire was Momma’s command. When I first walked into the building my heart began to race, “Seriously, what did I get myself into? How will I get through this as I am alone, single, and juggling this all?” When she came in those doors her eyes lit up. That is when my questions were answered. Her appreciation for who was there and efforts brought for her made every late night, busy minute, and continued drive was worth every ounce of my being. The day was hers, she deserved it.

I questioned my capability to come together to survive the day. Earlier before the event began I struggled to harness my emotions. I knew, finally, as it came to me while getting dressed. The answer for the question of why my heart has been aching the past few days was the sorrow of experiencing this day alone. My side was empty, her Daddy was absent. I cried through out the sleeping hours the past two nights. I looked in the mirror today and said, “Why? Damnit, why did he have to do this? I didn’t want this. This was forced upon me and this isn’t the vision I had.” The sorrow poured into my essence as I didn’t get the bliss of having a shared pride as our daughter turns three. The family has been ripped apart and on a day like today…it really hits home.

One can’t feel the warmth I did have as Chloe saw her cake for the first time, the thrill she expressed as she rolled her ball down the lane, or excitement she surfaced as she opened her presents. This brought I high that complimented the low and I will forever hold her genuine smile of feeling special on this day in my heart. Everything, every ounce of my energy goes into my children. I don’t want one day to pass without them knowing that I love them very much. My aspirations run deep as I strive to provide them futures they deserve, futures that will foster their desires in life.

I gazed as the sun began to set. Peace, the everyday harmony of the horizon’s affectionate release to us as the orange glow wraps us with courage. To love, to honor, and to cherish…vows I have made for my kids, for myself, and for my life. Embarking on an endeavor that will maximize my full potential will strengthen my character. Though a difficult day, it is a learning experience. I will take from it and move forward.

Precious Girl…Priceless Moments

~Nina~