One Foot in Front of the Other

I have been struggling for the past couple of days. I even avoided my computer as my entry is now late posing the date on Wednesday. My day today, my Tuesday brought great challenges. Several events occurred, many tears shed. Wanting to give up and go back is something I have thought about. The survival of the abuse leaves me with control of myself that I haven’t had for two years. Where do I start? What next? All I can do is continue to foster these emotions and trust that they will bring me the healing I need.

I spent a portion of my morning reading as I had the opportunity. I grabbed that paper weight again and opened to the pages that described the life I lived. I silently sobbed and asked many questions. The biggest question is, “Why?” I am not sure that this question can be answered. Today the excerpt that I interpreted was that the victim will continue to think about the abuser. How true, I constantly wonder what it is that I have done wrong. I wonder where he is and if he hates me. I ponder the chance of a life without abuse and with him. Can it happen?

Running, I began a training regimen for a half marathon. I stepped outside and I thought, “You can do this…” Placing one foot in front of the other is all I have to do. The revelation as my run was my survival. Everyday I reach inside and tell myself, “Just keep placing one foot in front of the other.” The beginning of my jaunt left me feeling empowered, as the journey continued I wanted to stop. I had this dying urge to just sit down on the sidewalk and cry. I kept going…I am doing this for the greater good.

Though there were a couple times I walked for 10-15 seconds, I tried to fight the feeling of failure. No, I am not failing myself, I am still moving. My mind wandered as I had no idea where I was going. Before I realized it I was on the other end of town. The path I took, I wasn’t sure. The image of his face, the picture of serenity…it all seemed so far away. All I want is to feel safe, to trust, to succeed…to be loved.

Running is much like living life. Goals, mile markers, endurance, pushing through the pain, all in a half hour I experience the last few weeks worth. Pride, I carry a deep sense of pride today. Sitting on the sidewalk isn’t an option. The tears, the sweat, and the pain, they all pull forth a strength I need. Can I do this? Absolutely!

The next mile could carry an answer…

~Nina~