Doubt…A Conversation of Doubt

I didn’t think I would be faced with such an event so early in my day. Upon rising this morning, I thought I would have one day to myself and think about how I am doing for me. I wanted to set aside one day and not focus at the situation at hand, but center my energy on a few goals that have been set aside due to the great efforts I have displayed for him. Today, again, is not my day.

I missed the first attempt at reaching me, but promptly returned the call. The communication with this person has been on a better note, so why hesitate as there may be a question about the kids. The introduction I received was the notion that this person heard about a recent decision I have made. The red flag is that, where did this knowledge come from as the full swing of my action hasn’t taken place yet. Also, the message received left me feeling as though it was a message that my husband wanted to be conveyed on his behalf.

I understand the boundaries that have been placed surfaces a frustration as communication is limited. At this moment, what would opening the lines of communication do? I don’t trust him, so presenting him with the opportunity to prove something to me wouldn’t do any justice for him as I would struggle to believe him. Providing him an unfair chance is not something my heart will warrant. Forcing a timeline to the path of healing will not bring anything else but added distress. Time is what will provide a recovery, this isn’t about crisis intervention, this is about leading a healthy life. Winning a wife back or gaining the ability to lead the life once lived will not benefit true change. Please note, I will always believe in him and my spirit will remain a support to him, but evolution, true evolution, will come when he looks inside and believes that the desire to be happy as well as the need to lead a healthy lifestyle is wanted with or without my physical presence at his side.

I am again left with doubt. This conversation surfaces deep emotions and one day, damnit, one day I would like not to struggle. This all has been so difficult. I didn’t make any decision lightly. I didn’t do this to cause pain. I suffer immensely and continue to wonder if I am doing the right thing. I interpreted a message from this individual as this, “Your verbal intentions are inconsistent with the action taken.” Sure, I understand how that can be perceived, but the black and white definition will also hinder personal growth for him and for myself. It doesn’t have to mean the book is closing, but it does mean that a new chapter must be started.

My intentions are not to close any door, but to maintain my position of living without abuse ever again. As this is a process, do I rule out a future with my husband? No. Can I ask though, how long does one continue to put their life on hold when their life has been set aside for so long already? Do I wait and not step forward or do I build myself and find direction for myself, my life? I appreciate the trying to understand this, but the only way to get the perspective I have is to view it as if you are the woman who has been presented with the treatment and life I have lived.

The destroyed self image I have leaves me with this waterfall of emotion. After weeks of crying I would begin to think I have gained a comfort with the moisture my eyes express each day, but I don’t. Heartache has set in and my belief that it will subside has faded. The relationship with myself is one I need to foster, yet struggle as the cards continue to fall with the outcome of my marriage.

Sorrow seeps into my soul…Pain encases my heart…

~Nina~