Dawn came and my eyes opened from a dream, a fantasy of love. There was tenderness, there was warmth, and there was happiness. The ratio of nightmares to dreams is very off kilter and seldom do I wake up on a peaceful note, but it has happened. Also it isn’t necessarily terror all the time, sadness is the largest weight in my heart as of lately. Relaxed, I actually felt relaxed upon rising today.
The evening before my imagination drifted as well. It seems as the past couple of days my mind has wandered in a more curiosity avenue of what I wanted, what I dreamt of my marriage being. I remember the television being on, the low light casting shadows as the images pranced across the screen. My husband was there on the couch and I had snuggled in next to him. This dream was so vivid. I could smell his cologne, I could feel his warmth…then as I lifted my head, the bed was empty. Alone, there I was drying my tears as the pure darkness encased my heart. I had looked at the clock, 10:34pm…I reached out to grab the picture of us and closed my eyes again. I had the sense of hope to reverie it again, yet hesitation as the vision surfaced a longing of something I hardly had.
Throughout the day I questioned myself. I had no ambition for anything. I just wanted to hide all day. I just want to be alone. What will being alone grant me? I don’t have an answer for that. The mystery of life will either send you through a whirlwind of distress or bring you elation as you encompass the unknown as an adventure. Right now, I am in the middle while desiring not to engage in either.
“Solitude won’t heal,” I recited to myself as I walked into the room. I had come across a support group a while ago. I tossed the idea around and the dice landed on snake eyes…I signed up. Tonight was my first session and I went in thinking, “Maybe my purpose is to help someone.” I had this vision of introducing myself with confidence and bringing forth the progress I have made thus far. As it was my turn, the only message that was conveyed was the one my tears represented as they streamed down my face. Progress, I thought to myself, “What progress have you made?” I wasn’t even able to verbalize my name. The open warmth I received was amazing. Though my identity was only given by the card that sat in front of me; they all reached out to me.
Some may say, “I know if feels like so much time has passed…” Um, no, it doesn’t feel like anytime has passed. I sense frustration from people as the view of my progress would be expected to be further, but it isn’t. I am where I am and it is a feeling of being stuck. I want a true heal from this and where I am is OK. Honest recovery comes from moving slowly, baby steps…this will remain my game plan.
Search your soul...a continued seek for serenity…
~Nina~
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