Who Knew…You Can Know

Throughout this journey, my passage of life, I have learned more about myself in the last three months than I thought I would ever know. Is it possible to live a life and not know yourself? Maybe it is…maybe there is a period in one’s life when the person you desire to be trumps who you may actually be. Young, I am very young with the feeling of being quite aged inside. My level of awareness, desire of particular achievements, and experiences has brought me to a number that isn’t cohesive with my chronological age. Diving into the depths of my persona, I will expose a fact some may know, thought they knew, or never would have guessed…

Awkward, an adjective of many definitions, but describes how I have felt since I was old enough to remember and have continued to feel as an adult. A definition that best describes my emotion of awkwardness includes: obsolete, untoward, averse.

As a child I would feel “effaced by wearing away,” like there was a giant pink eraser fading my existence. I wasn’t popular and constantly I drifted to the back. Once I even ditched class while in elementary school and walked down to the apartment complex in which a family member resided. No one knew I was gone; I realized then that I didn’t matter and would spend my life either trying to be something noticed or living invisible. I was right. I still try and seek someone to notice me while feeling inside that I have fallen to abandonment…obsolete.

While climbing the education ladder I stepped into middle school. I always felt unfortunate or hapless. This era of my life began the power struggle within and with a person in my life that I idolized. I resisted the life of growing up with divorced parents and prayed for much of what other kids had. Moving into high school surfaced my most troublesome years leaving me with a journal of dark poetry and a dwindling self-esteem. On the outside I presented ambition while partaking in multiple sports, clubs, and extra-curricular activities. Inside I was dying, watching the world around me prevail, and yet being unable to find my purpose…untoward.

Moving into adulthood I wanted more out of my life. I wanted to be something that someone could be proud of, mainly my parents. I didn’t have much for them to say, “That is my daughter, she is a…” I felt like a disappointment, a failure. I strived with post-secondary school mastering a 4.0 and a respected work ethic. Again, on the outside brought the vision of a strong and outgoing young woman…on the inside was this awkward, inelegant figure proceeding from a determination or disposition of needed approval. I continued to live alone inside, but moving in a direction that was what I thought I needed only to be afraid…averse.

Looking inside I am left to face this picture of ineptness, this fear. There is one person I spent a lifetime trying to impress, but never was embraced with what I sought so strongly for. I have pulled the rug from out under myself and poorly rated my successes as I believed they were much less then the many I compare myself to. Education, monetary values, or material possession will not make a person of great accomplishment. This is what will…

Pride within of personal triumphs. Facing the challenges of life, parenthood, the workforce, self criticism, and more will provide additions to the internal arsenal of surviving the world presented. Believing, knowing that each day the best is brought regardless of feeling inadequate while soaking up the surroundings to learn from mistakes. Reaching to the stars, never giving up, readjusting at hand goals to construct future objectives will warrant an individual of remarkable attainments.

I don’t have to set aside or abolish the emotion of awkwardness or feeling of isolation within. It is a part of who I am. I will always feel like I am the piece that doesn’t fit, but I don’t have to allow this quality to disable me. I can use it to push me outside of my comfort zone, to learn how to foster my reserves while testing a newfound desire of becoming a risk taker. I don’t have to seek approval from anyone but myself. Spreading my wings, soaring above, and priding the successes I do have will drive me to the top. I will be known…I will be admired.

A woman of respect…a woman with liberated ambition

~Nina~