Busy Days…Hectic Life

Again, I have been absent from my writings the past few days. It seems that my days run out as well as my steam. Monday was a day filled with emotional interruptions and a paper that needed to be finished. I ended up suffering from a major migraine that left me unable to do anything but close my eyes while resting my head for relief. I fell asleep drafting my feelings into a script of physical tears. Tuesday also left me closing my school books around midnight with the alarm set for 6 a.m. as I had to work early the next morning. Exhaustion is the coat I wore accented with a temporary scarf of sadness. Wednesday, yesterday, was a day of internal solitude. I am not sure what the deal was, but I just had the desire to avoid…to hide.

The emotional storm has surfaced again with trials needing to be addressed. I am just not sure I have it in me anymore. Though reluctant, I reach to my heart to find the determination that carries on with the placement of one foot in front of the other. I am here, now piecing together a full reflection of the internal side casting such confusion…continuing to work through this whole adventure.

Learning to make decisions without seeking outside opinions or allowing other influences to place weight on an important deduction is necessary to excel in one’s life…my life. No one can make the best decisions for my children or me other than myself. I realized that I have extreme trust issues that have trickled into a lack of trust within my own essence. Unhealthy, this is not of an adequate wellbeing and I cannot continue with this avenue of thought process. Without asking for advice or seeking influence, I did make one of my very own decisions. I feared a reaction, the reaction of chips falling to the way side which would leave me on an island alone. Again, it was my decision and I will maintain my position to receive what may come my way.

Emotions…they are of bliss and sorrow which will cycle from highs to lows many times throughout the course of a survival, throughout one’s life. The past few days brought to me these similar tear-filled moments that hovered after the initial motion of leaving a home with abuse. My entire world has been ripped apart. Yes…strength, determination, positive affirmation bring my days of an inner lifting. These days I am grateful for. Though I have made great strides in self actualization and self preservation, I have stumbled across the past three days of dismay, heartache, and doubt. I also have a sense of gratitude for these days as well.

I can recognize these emotions and what they represent. I have survived them once, I will again. Today I stood up, dusted myself off, and sought out to live the vision of peace, self deserving happiness, and independence that I have clutched thus far. One proud moment today was the fact that I did identify the cycle I would/continue to go through and provide myself the appropriate intervention. I am a woman, a compassionate human-being. It is natural, it is normal. Beating myself up isn’t warranted…learning and continuing with forward motion will bring an immense prevail from within.

I met a few new people today as I seek inspiration from other’s experiences. Through out the day I took in the faces, the beauty of individuality. If I had the opportunity to sit down with another victim…a survivor of domestic abuse, I would express the blessing of having been able to meet them. I would assure them that one day they too will be able to say their name with confidence, they will look in the mirror with pride, they will know deep within that they too will overcome. I would tell them to believe in themselves and I would present them with the belief I have in them.

Life, our one chance to venture in our hearts and seek desires we are not even aware we have. The art of taking each day as it comes will present opportunities one may not realize existed. Enjoy your time; the sand will trickle through the glass with a consistent serenity, may your heart embrace the warmth of love…the love for yourself.

Each morning a blank sheet…You hold the paint brush

~Nina~