Liberation…Confidence

Freedom is a part of our nation. I live in this land, amongst the free. I think about this daily and wonder... Why within a country of opportunities did I feel chained to the prison of my own home? Why was my liberty taken from me? The terroristic emotions of domestic abuse can consume your entire being causing one’s defeated essence to give up. As a little girl I remember standing with my shoulders turned toward the flag ready to recite the Pledge of Allegiance before class started each morning. As an innocent child, I would place my hand over my heart and pledge with pride. Today, as a survivor, I have stumbled across a new declaration…

I Pledge Allegiance

To all the things that are good about me…
And I will, from this day forward,

No longer try to be everything to everybody.
Nor will I be someone I’m not.
I will no longer use all my energies to fulfill the dreams of others while mine go unattended.
I will use my assertive right to take charge of my life.
I will never again know guilt, for this pain is self chosen.
I will fight the manipulators and their ploys by standing up for myself and my ideals.
I will insist on being treated with dignity, and demand goodness in my life.
I will speak the truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others.
I will be the judge of my behavior, thoughts, and emotions – and I will be responsible for them.
I will always challenge put-downs.
I will destroy negative thoughts and fears of rejections.
I will not distress myself with imaginings.
I will be gentle with myself and strive to be happy.
I will live positively – And I will begin now.

~Author Unknown~

Closing my eyes I can see the words of this pronouncement. As I breathe, calmness flows through my veins. Exhaling softly brings the visual white cloud of serenity. My chin is up, my self-awareness peaked. Daily, these words will become apart of my everyday routine. My flag will be the pictures of my children on my living room wall. I will fold both hands over my heart and invest the positive energy into myself. I am worth it, my soul; my heart…the compassion is priceless.

I am honestly grateful for every sunrise, each smile from my children, the constant challenge, and incurring triumphs. I have come to a place in my life where dreams are becoming realities. Accomplishing goals are now a hobby and holding my head high has become a part of my natural posture. I am a woman, a part of the perceived weaker sex, but I am a woman of great achievement. I am a woman with the aspiration to inspire our society. I am a woman with knowledge and the drive to educate others.

There is nothing I can’t do…

~Nina~

Gifts from Above…Cherished Hearts

Some days I wonder just exactly who is in my corner or who sits on the fence. I have lonely days and I have days I feel surrounded by encouragement. My level of security with people fluctuates, but this is a learning curve for me. Each day presents new experiences that compile into my ‘general’ interpretation of this world.

My vehicle has been an issue for a while. One, I was afraid to take it in for the expense wouldn’t be something I could afford. Two, I have no clue what to do with the mechanics of a vehicle. I have limited knowledge and this new aspect of things to manage honestly intimidated me. Finally I got to the point where I didn’t feel the contraption was safe. I turned to a friend and her husband whom both have surfaced a support from day one.

Grateful I am that these people have reached out to me and my children. It was almost like a home away from home. Their smiles are inviting, their house is warm and love filled. I cherish all that they have done and feel my gratitude simply isn’t enough. Giving back is always my highest priority when I am met with such generosity. Again, tonight was just another self-less act of helping a young woman in need of a little assistance.

To give you an idea of how much this couple has helped me I will give you a handful of examples. They lent a hand in watching the kids when I first struggled with daycare coverage, but working was essential. They took the kids several times without hesitation. Another time I was very sick myself and she offered to take the kids so I could sleep with the goal of rest needed to overcome my illness. One other occasion included taking the kids for a couple of hours while I worked on a school project. A tear of appreciation rolls down my face as I stare at my car keys. Tonight he put my vehicle in a safer manner of operation.

Thank you very much to you both. You are a part of my closest support group and I very much appreciate your kind hearts. Admiration I have, a dear respect for who you are. Please never forget us, the kids and me, we have always and will continue to reflect the thankfulness we hold in our hearts.

Appreciation forecasted…Love precipitated

~Nina~

The Week Must Start Somewhere

Monday, upon rising I had the determination of bringing endurance for my week. About half way through I started to feel the weight of my loaded list of things to be done while the minutes rolled by at an alarming rate. Now collecting myself I put some phrases together to present a reflection of my inside. Please enjoy this poem…

Soft Rain of the Internal Storm

Clouds billow of passionate emotion
Peaceful love cascades upon her face
Deep romance flowing from the soul
Heart beats of this heated eternal race

Tender touch sends desire through
Fantasy of her embracing craze
Leaving her this venture embarked
Surviving the life as a endless maze

Unknown paths lead to the mystery
Resisting the urge, desired risk taken
Her essence of inviting softness
Closing it would have been mistaken

The morning sunrise brings freshness
Eyes closed, she inhales calmness deep
Confidence approaches with strong posture
Hand over her heart, protecting, pride to keep
Droplets of happiness penetrate to seep

~Nina~

Tomorrow will carry new challenges with a clean slate. The drawing canvas holds an unlimited surface to paint my essence. Lessons await my desire for increased knowledge.

Goodnight…God Bless

~Nina~

Forgiveness…Moving Forward

There was discussion today on forgiveness. The idea was brought up and I began to wonder. What is forgiveness? What does it mean to me? Do I forgive him or can I forgive him? When dealing with a relationship, our relationship as it was abusive…the past facts, memories, and fear can present this cloud of haunt with the question of within.

To forgive him, in my eyes, would to accept who he is, what he has done, and find the inner peace for myself. I cannot look for him to perform in a manner that gets me to the point of forgiveness. I say this because forgiving him doesn’t erase what he has done to me. He abused me, he hurt me, he demeaned me…he took a part of my life from me.

I have a quote I want to share…

“Forgiveness allows us to let go of the pain in the memory and if we let go of the pain in the memory we can have the memory but it does not control us. When memory controls us we are then the puppets of the past.” ~Alexandra Asseily~

Question, this presents question for me and where I am at. Am I a puppet yet? I feel very in control of my life, of my destination, but the emotions of the hurt that was placed upon me still do creep in from the corner every now and then. I still silently ask, “Why,” but the episode of lapsed emotion is very short now. It doesn’t impact my day, it doesn’t re-route my efforts. I see it for what it is and move forward.

Knowing what I want out of my life is powerful. Before I searched for a purpose, I searched for what I could change within myself to make him happy. No more, I am here for me and my happiness! I know what I want and I am working towards that. I know that I can forgive him and I will, but right now I am not sure I am totally there. Allowing myself the proper channel of time will continue this heal.

I want to leave you with one last quote…

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes~

~Nina~

Taken by Surprise

Communication is something I have always prided myself on. I feel fairly confident that my skills are adequate to express my emotions as well as present myself to be approachable. I do have trust issues with people, but those are for closer relationships that I may or could have with people. On the outside, I give everyone a fair chance and invite conversation.

Today I was faced with something that I was not expecting. I feel betrayed and very much hurt. As I pick up on all the subtle actions my insight to a situation is spot on before others realize it. I work very hard for everything I have and for the future. The load of responsibilities weighs heavily, but I feel my fight to maintain my carry of it vs. the dropping of it has been respectable. Confusion seeps in as I never would have expected this.

The information surfaced did strike home. I was hurt and my pain shed as the tears rolled down my cheeks. With the blindsiding emotion my stature wobbled with the uneasiness of a slowing top. I shut down and the skills I carry in communication were boarded up as I refuse to address the situation. Does it make it right? Probably not. Does it make it easy? Absolutely not. Will it change my demeanor in this aspect of my life? For sure it won’t! I will just express certain things with a different light. Life is a classroom full of opportunities to experience highs and lows. The lessons are the learning of how to interpret and handle them appropriately. I will work harder and take from this the positive of knowing I have more to give.

Initially I felt completely alone once again. Those first few hours the water crept above the line of comfort into the red of lost solitude. It was then that a hand touched my shoulder signaling to reach out. A person I hold near and dear to my heart turned towards me. This person has an amazing heart and our friendship holds deep roots. Without this person my tears may have continued. This is one person I do and know that I can whole-heartedly trust. Thank you for your support.

Right now, at this very second I am blank. What a day, but a necessary day. I have no concerns or ill feelings, but I have no excitement or elevation. I just have me, myself with the knowledge that tomorrow will bring a new day.

Painful yes…Moving forward

~Nina~

Missing in Action…Acts of Inner Peace

Certainly I have been gone for a few days and I apologize for my absence. The past four days have been amazing in all honesty. I have renewed friendships, celebrated accomplishments, fostered emotions of curiosity, and relaxed. What a wide range to experience, but the joy of living life presents triumphs with the little things as well.

Education…I did have seven days off prior to last week from school, but I am back on the horse as of last Tuesday. Learning is a pleasurable activity for me. My craving for knowledge will provide me with a great intellectual strength. Curiosity for how things work or what things mean constantly has me pondering the purpose of all things in existence. There is always room for improvement or a need in new skills, so I take in as much as I can.

I did go shopping this weekend. For those of you that know me, I mean really know me…I hate to go shopping. I have never been comfortable in clothes or with how I look in them. I can say that I don’t see in the mirror what others see as they gaze at me. Working towards a healthy self image has been something I have worked on for the past six months. I realized this weekend that I am finally finding it. I tried on an outfit or two, stood in front of the floor length mirror, and was struck with a new found confidence. I also stumbled upon a dress, as I have a wedding in a couple months, which was the purpose of my shopping endeavor in the first place. In the dressing room I thought to myself, there is no way that this will look decent on me. Sliding the ensemble over my head my heart began to race. My eyes were closed as I zipped up the back. Turning around I was lost with awe…who was that looking back at me? This woman…a woman with a guiding strength to be the best she that she can be, a woman with the desire to seek what she deserves…that is who was standing there peering back at me.

Another milestone fell upon the weekend as well. My boys, Kaden and Connor, had their first birthday. One year old, the moment was precious. As tradition holds, they each got their own little birthday cake to dig into. Without hesitation they dug in. In amazement I observed them with an emotional stupor while a silent tear fell inside upon my heart. The blessing of my three children aid in the continued drive that keeps me going everyday.

Last night I woke up from a dream. This vision held the softness of a hand touching my arm. The trailing of a few fingers down toward my hand left my heart to race. The vivid release of desire, of electricity exploded within my body as my fingers interlaced with those of another. Then I was standing…I could not see his face, but I could smell his cologne. I looked up and the shadows hide his face. A kiss…my entire essence felt light, my heart was pounding. I woke up only to find myself alone, but wondering who he was…

My appreciation for life gets deeper and deeper everyday. I had the notion that I would eventually reach a point where contentment would simply overflow my soul and my smile would mark the highest achievement. I am embracing the possibility of growing with a continued adventure of admiration for more. I can honestly say I feel the best I ever have, I feel the healthiest now then ever in my entire life. The energy of euphoria lifts my spirits even higher with each sunrise.

The future is my story waiting to unfold…One I want to share, to be told

~Nina~

Reality…This is truly Happening

I will be honest; the past two days have been difficult. The emotion of the process, signing papers, and having to face this brings everything to a reality. Though yesterday lead into today and presented me with a struggle…it must be known I wasn’t afraid. I know that these days, that these emotions will be there lurking with the desire to beat me down, but I am standing strong with the front of fearless…not fearful.

Tears, I have shed the moisture of pain from my eyes. I never wanted this. I didn’t want the life he gave me. I did my best, I worked so hard. Three months ago I thought that my determination, those hours of busting my tush was for nothing. Though my marriage crumbled, it doesn’t mean that my hard work meant nothing because it meant and speaks volumes!

Sometimes as the clock ticks by and the days fall one by one off the calendar one may forget where they are or how far they have come. The reality of this maybe overwhelming, but I know it is not going to hold me down.

Looking within…

Slowly closing my eyes I draw in a breath of calmness. Peace flows from my heart to my fingertips. Love, the warmth of adoration for my life surfaces elation to my affect. This smile is of purity…of deep happiness. I am a woman with purpose…

Goodnight…hours of rest rejuvenate your soul

~Nina~

Relaxed…A day of Nothing

This day was filled with no rigid schedule, to do list, or anything other than relaxation. Though I don’t get many days that have the freedom as today had, the kids and I enjoyed it very much so. The emotion wrapped me with warmth as I spent hours holding, playing with, and chasing my children.

Nothing hits the heart like the feeling you get when your daughter comes up to give you a hug and whisper, “I love you Momma,” in your ear. Precious moments such as this melt my entire being. As I have said before, becoming a mother is my most prized moment. Those hearty giggles, warming smiles…my lasting memories fueling my drive.

Young or old, toddler or adult, reach out and give your child a hug. The love shared is a bond like no other. Appreciate your parents as they were a part of your current success. The circle of life, the circle of love…

~Nina~

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

While pondering what I could do with my weekend, I found myself in my vehicle putting the gear shift in drive. I pulled in and as I cut the engine I was proud, proud that I was out doing something for me. I rummaged through the shelves of movies and found four films I wanted to watch. Then I went for a soothing walk. The sun warmed my face; the wind carried away all apprehension in my mind. I felt clear…my mind was lucid…

Tonight I watched the movie, “The Time Traveler’s Wife.” Beautiful work, I was left to seek the question my heart yearned to have answered. Though having the ability to go back would be amazing, it wouldn’t be beneficial to change anything. Life is meant to be lived, to make honest mistakes, to relish in unknown treasures.

I once wrote…

If you were standing at the door of a time machine, do you have the temptation of stepping in and going back? Do you wonder what it would be to rectify something that may have been a mistake? Would changing something put you in a different pair of shoes, say a set of leather heels vs. ripped up sneakers? Living without regrets is a life of fulfillment or denial?

I now feel...

During the recent times of sorrow or uncontrollable grief I would have wanted to jump in and head back into time. I would have wanted to erase or reroute experiences to avoid this huge vault of heartache. I can confidently say now, “I wouldn’t go back, I wouldn’t change anything.”

The person I was, the person I have become…everyday and every experience endured has brought a piece of my internal puzzle. I, now, wouldn’t want to risk this picture that has been brought together…serenity, the peaceful image of the mountain tops at sunset within. I am who I am because of my past. My future holds what it can because of my present. I appreciate the pain I suffered as it made the tenderness of the love and bliss I have and will have even softer.

No regrets…No looking back

~Nina~

Love…Pure Fantasy

The attractive warmth of another body holding her close, the scent of him surfaces the desire of many women. The tenderness felt as their lips unite will entail the taste of soft affection. Tingled electricity flows within as his fingertip traces a path from her shoulder down to her palm and the connection is embraced as their hands interlace. Adored is the message received as he kisses her hand…

Love is the fantasy of life and fantasy speaks love. The heart is meant to beat for more than circulation, the core of one’s soul benefits from the distribution of this passionate emotion pulsed. Desired companionship…admired friendship, the art of finding elation with conversation, shared experiences, and playful banter shines rays of pleasure into everyone’s essence.

Close your eyes, what do you feel? Allow your skin to take in the unnoticed breeze of freshness. Take a deep breath, what do you smell? Let yourself take in the scent of beautiful peace. Relax, what do you hear? Permit your ears to take in the purity of silence. Inner harmony fosters the appreciation of deep love, presents unknown surprises, and evaluates true character.

I am a woman of deep tenderness. I long for the same desire as you. I am human. Though hurt deeply by so many, should I close off my heart? Truthfully I pondered it, while wondering the fact of two failed marriages leaving me less deserving of something pure. Wrong, I wouldn’t allow someone else to short themselves…investing into myself will encourage the curiosity to cultivate my internal beauty.

Looking within I hold this vision…

The silhouette provides her shadowed figure through the lacy veil of material. The movements are elegant as she runs her fingers through her hair and down her side. The pose of seduction breaches curiosity as she gazes over her shoulder while breathing deep. The softness of her eyes cast the desire to be loved…to be understood for her inside character. Looking above her forehead is kissed with patience…

Love deep, embrace admiration…Tender heart, appreciate within

~Nina~

Who Knew…You Can Know

Throughout this journey, my passage of life, I have learned more about myself in the last three months than I thought I would ever know. Is it possible to live a life and not know yourself? Maybe it is…maybe there is a period in one’s life when the person you desire to be trumps who you may actually be. Young, I am very young with the feeling of being quite aged inside. My level of awareness, desire of particular achievements, and experiences has brought me to a number that isn’t cohesive with my chronological age. Diving into the depths of my persona, I will expose a fact some may know, thought they knew, or never would have guessed…

Awkward, an adjective of many definitions, but describes how I have felt since I was old enough to remember and have continued to feel as an adult. A definition that best describes my emotion of awkwardness includes: obsolete, untoward, averse.

As a child I would feel “effaced by wearing away,” like there was a giant pink eraser fading my existence. I wasn’t popular and constantly I drifted to the back. Once I even ditched class while in elementary school and walked down to the apartment complex in which a family member resided. No one knew I was gone; I realized then that I didn’t matter and would spend my life either trying to be something noticed or living invisible. I was right. I still try and seek someone to notice me while feeling inside that I have fallen to abandonment…obsolete.

While climbing the education ladder I stepped into middle school. I always felt unfortunate or hapless. This era of my life began the power struggle within and with a person in my life that I idolized. I resisted the life of growing up with divorced parents and prayed for much of what other kids had. Moving into high school surfaced my most troublesome years leaving me with a journal of dark poetry and a dwindling self-esteem. On the outside I presented ambition while partaking in multiple sports, clubs, and extra-curricular activities. Inside I was dying, watching the world around me prevail, and yet being unable to find my purpose…untoward.

Moving into adulthood I wanted more out of my life. I wanted to be something that someone could be proud of, mainly my parents. I didn’t have much for them to say, “That is my daughter, she is a…” I felt like a disappointment, a failure. I strived with post-secondary school mastering a 4.0 and a respected work ethic. Again, on the outside brought the vision of a strong and outgoing young woman…on the inside was this awkward, inelegant figure proceeding from a determination or disposition of needed approval. I continued to live alone inside, but moving in a direction that was what I thought I needed only to be afraid…averse.

Looking inside I am left to face this picture of ineptness, this fear. There is one person I spent a lifetime trying to impress, but never was embraced with what I sought so strongly for. I have pulled the rug from out under myself and poorly rated my successes as I believed they were much less then the many I compare myself to. Education, monetary values, or material possession will not make a person of great accomplishment. This is what will…

Pride within of personal triumphs. Facing the challenges of life, parenthood, the workforce, self criticism, and more will provide additions to the internal arsenal of surviving the world presented. Believing, knowing that each day the best is brought regardless of feeling inadequate while soaking up the surroundings to learn from mistakes. Reaching to the stars, never giving up, readjusting at hand goals to construct future objectives will warrant an individual of remarkable attainments.

I don’t have to set aside or abolish the emotion of awkwardness or feeling of isolation within. It is a part of who I am. I will always feel like I am the piece that doesn’t fit, but I don’t have to allow this quality to disable me. I can use it to push me outside of my comfort zone, to learn how to foster my reserves while testing a newfound desire of becoming a risk taker. I don’t have to seek approval from anyone but myself. Spreading my wings, soaring above, and priding the successes I do have will drive me to the top. I will be known…I will be admired.

A woman of respect…a woman with liberated ambition

~Nina~

Feeling Tired

My body aches, my mind drained. I had a tough day today. I am going to, since I have the chance, slide into bed early tonight. Hopefully I can gain some extra moments of sleep with hopes of peaceful rest. Tomorrow will present an entry of continued beauty. I pray you all get the chance for a rest filled evening. Goodnight.

Sleep will bring strength…

~Nina~

Peaceful Sunrise…Inner Beauty

The early dawn casts a deep calmness through one’s veins. As the mist hovers above the water the yellow glow illuminates a bright reflection to represent the freshness of each morning. The greenery draws silhouettes that emit an attractive obscurity symbolizing the trials that may wait in the shadows. Ultimate tranquility wraps the soul as the horizon smolders with the passionate orange blaze of love. The entire painting symbolizes fantasy…pure innocence of desired worship.

Life may come with the intense path of uncertainty leaving one overwhelmed, but it will also embark great positive unknown adventures. I mark the weight, the crushing emotion that overpowered my longing for survival. Now, at this moment, I close my eyes and picture the image of triumph. As days come one by one, a climbing success is nurtured day by day. I never thought I would get where I am today. My heart carries peace…my essence embraces harmony.

As a single parent I face a bag full of challenges daily. Someone asked me why my writing has holes here and there. Busy, this is the biggest explanation I have to offer. I am going to school as well as working full-time. These duties are secondary to my primary job of being a mother. My children’s needs, well-being, and psych are my number one priority. The remaining mortar to my existence is household chores, personal nutrition, finances, and inner recovery to fill the gaps. This is why I have missed a day or two. My goal is to invite you to insight daily, but if I am absent one day rest assured I am focused on journaling the next.

I encourage you to take a moment today. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and collect your inner energy. I ask you, don’t put it off…reach in and decide your goals deserve stride today. The smallest effort, the slightest attempt will present you with achievement. That feeling will release euphoric endorphins of pride. This pride will compound into an enduring confidence. Stand in front of the mirror…know that you deserve your every aspiration.

Prosperity…the wealth of living with happiness

~Nina~

Unexpected Opportunities...Enjoyed Time

Yesterday I got the opportunity to get out on the town. I hung out with an outstanding group of people from work…my friends. The celebration was to wish luck to a departing member of our team. Though he will be missed, his future is very bright!

Leading up to the night’s events last night I felt the urge to cancel my appearance. I just wanted to go home and become a slug. My energy was zapped. I decided that my presence was hoped for, so I followed through. I can’t explain the feelings that flowed through my veins as I freshened up. I curled my hair, changed my clothes, and applied my make-up. “What will the night hold?” I pondered. As I walked in I saw my friends, I had this warmth cascade over me as they welcomed me.

Through out the night I noticed eyes wandering towards my direction. Eye contact had been made and the nervousness settled in my stomach. Really, here I am settling into independence and making decisions for myself. The liberation from the constant emotional beat down has forced me to foster a healthier self image. Watching my figure being interpreted from others left me feeling as though I might actually be attractive. I will be honest, I smiled within…three children and I still have it.

Music filled the room and within minutes I found myself on the dance floor. Moving to the rhythm presented me with the need to allow all apprehension to lift from my body. My hips circled, my upper body flowed, and my feet wouldn’t stop. No inhibitions, I had nothing to lose. Having a good time was my only intention for the evening. Unexpectedly I stumbled into conversation with a couple of people. Laughter, the exchange of dialogue, and a departing hug…the night was a wonderful experience.

As the minutes rolled by today, I visualized the hour-glass of my existence. The sand appears to be at a more relaxed trickle than it had been months ago. I stood in front of the mirror and searched the soul of the woman looking back. Purpose, I am going to live out my intention. Love, serenity, passion…my life is beautiful.

The kids and I ventured to the park today. The priceless moments of pure innocence melt my heart. The boys giggling with the swaying cadence while swinging, my daughter’s playful banter as she enticed a game of cat and mouse. While chasing Chloe, Kaden and Connor grinned while watching. I found myself halting in mid stride. My precious girl inquired, “Momma, what is wrong?” I looked at her and responded, “Nothing Honey, Momma is just happy.” The moment was vitalizing…I am a survivor with an essence of strength. I couldn’t have asked for a better conclusion to my day. I love my children, I embrace my opportunity to do the best I can for us all.

My current trepidation is giving in to the tenacity of keeping my heart closed off. I fear that the accruing friendships or acquaintances will bring a positive aura that I am unfamiliar with. How will I grasp this? What will it be like to have different treatment, communications? I don’t have answers, but I do have a delight while awaiting new experiences. The unknown of my future warms the adventure begging to be endeavored.

Closing your eyes to live a fantasy within…

~Nina~

Busy Days…Hectic Life

Again, I have been absent from my writings the past few days. It seems that my days run out as well as my steam. Monday was a day filled with emotional interruptions and a paper that needed to be finished. I ended up suffering from a major migraine that left me unable to do anything but close my eyes while resting my head for relief. I fell asleep drafting my feelings into a script of physical tears. Tuesday also left me closing my school books around midnight with the alarm set for 6 a.m. as I had to work early the next morning. Exhaustion is the coat I wore accented with a temporary scarf of sadness. Wednesday, yesterday, was a day of internal solitude. I am not sure what the deal was, but I just had the desire to avoid…to hide.

The emotional storm has surfaced again with trials needing to be addressed. I am just not sure I have it in me anymore. Though reluctant, I reach to my heart to find the determination that carries on with the placement of one foot in front of the other. I am here, now piecing together a full reflection of the internal side casting such confusion…continuing to work through this whole adventure.

Learning to make decisions without seeking outside opinions or allowing other influences to place weight on an important deduction is necessary to excel in one’s life…my life. No one can make the best decisions for my children or me other than myself. I realized that I have extreme trust issues that have trickled into a lack of trust within my own essence. Unhealthy, this is not of an adequate wellbeing and I cannot continue with this avenue of thought process. Without asking for advice or seeking influence, I did make one of my very own decisions. I feared a reaction, the reaction of chips falling to the way side which would leave me on an island alone. Again, it was my decision and I will maintain my position to receive what may come my way.

Emotions…they are of bliss and sorrow which will cycle from highs to lows many times throughout the course of a survival, throughout one’s life. The past few days brought to me these similar tear-filled moments that hovered after the initial motion of leaving a home with abuse. My entire world has been ripped apart. Yes…strength, determination, positive affirmation bring my days of an inner lifting. These days I am grateful for. Though I have made great strides in self actualization and self preservation, I have stumbled across the past three days of dismay, heartache, and doubt. I also have a sense of gratitude for these days as well.

I can recognize these emotions and what they represent. I have survived them once, I will again. Today I stood up, dusted myself off, and sought out to live the vision of peace, self deserving happiness, and independence that I have clutched thus far. One proud moment today was the fact that I did identify the cycle I would/continue to go through and provide myself the appropriate intervention. I am a woman, a compassionate human-being. It is natural, it is normal. Beating myself up isn’t warranted…learning and continuing with forward motion will bring an immense prevail from within.

I met a few new people today as I seek inspiration from other’s experiences. Through out the day I took in the faces, the beauty of individuality. If I had the opportunity to sit down with another victim…a survivor of domestic abuse, I would express the blessing of having been able to meet them. I would assure them that one day they too will be able to say their name with confidence, they will look in the mirror with pride, they will know deep within that they too will overcome. I would tell them to believe in themselves and I would present them with the belief I have in them.

Life, our one chance to venture in our hearts and seek desires we are not even aware we have. The art of taking each day as it comes will present opportunities one may not realize existed. Enjoy your time; the sand will trickle through the glass with a consistent serenity, may your heart embrace the warmth of love…the love for yourself.

Each morning a blank sheet…You hold the paint brush

~Nina~