Exhausted…Emotional

This very moment I am drawing a blank. How do I feel? Why do I feel that way? Empty, there is this void, a black hole swallowing my essence. My day has been filled with non-stop movement. Laundry, dishes, children, homework, packing, and other miscellaneous chores have all keep my hands physically busy, but my mind races every avenue venturing various memories. The battle to keep tears from streaming was done with great effort, but to no prevail there was the falling of my overflowing emotion.

Kaden and Connor are growing with enthusiasm. I pulled the clothing they have outgrown from their closet. As I folded the outfits moisture flooded my eyes while placing them in a box. The realization that every first will now be my last has left me with extreme heartache. Having made the decision to be done having children presents me with the struggles of burying the hopes of cradling more babies in these arms. I understand that each stage I put behind us opens the door to another exciting phase in my children’s development. I truly appreciate every smile, giggle, and new word as I live for these very attributes to my parenthood. Though the future is bright I do wish I could freeze time at this very moment to gain more time with my babies, but these tears continue knowing that at the blink of an eye they will head into the voyage of becoming respectful men.

Chloe came up to me after her afternoon nap and wrapped her arms around my legs. “I love you so much Momma,” she radiates through her half waken daze. Immediately my heart floods as those beautiful brown eyes beamed up at me with the innocent love every child has for their mother. Kneeling down I embraced my precious little girl. Her entire existence of pure virtue will carry her to the achievement of her own deepest dreams. As I leaned back from giving her a hug I had a flash back of holding her for the first time. Three years later and all within the speed of light she continues to mature. Before my very eyes my treasured baby girl will flourish into a woman of great strength and determination.

My emotions of the day are of sadness indeed. Where I stand today is not where I pictured my shoes to be seven years ago. I am a young mother of three and pray that my hard work and fortitude will build my children with the foundation of a future that can take each of them places within their own aspirations. My goal is to give them the structure necessary to instill respectful morals and reverent values. I am a youthful woman and worry that my failures will out weigh my achievements. Fear, I am afraid of becoming lost due to the casted shadows of the overwhelming challenges enduring my ability to survive the drastic effects of my past. Various men in my life have taken and kept a piece of my existence. Slowly, I am trying to patch these holes in my heart. Today I shed the tears necessary to throw it over my shoulder and carry on.

Tomorrow…A new sunrise to cherish

~Nina~