Lonely Fear…Reaching for Help

Waking each day I again feel exhausted. I constantly fight the urge to give up. His ever so dangerous spiral downward has me weathered and left me feeling defeated. My survival technique once again has been put in place with the isolation of myself from the support I had. Hiding and praying that it would just stop has done nothing but let it progress. I have feared the “I told you so’s,” or turned backs with the view that I have allowed him to enrapture me once again. I feel very similar to the way I felt in January, February, and March. He has gained control of my fears once again.

Trusting and believing are characteristics that have gotten me where I am today. I prayed he would never go back, that the help he sought would change his life for him. All I have ever wanted is safety and health for the entire family. What went wrong? Where did he slip? I don’t know and trying to figure it out is costing me my own life.

It took weeks to not shutter when my phone would ring or beep. The freedom that was released during the period he couldn’t legally contact me allowed me to relax. Since, the order was dropped, slowly things have swung back. When my phone rings I want to hide. When it beeps my heart skips a beat. I have no idea who it is, but my first thought is that it is him and I have no idea what faces me on the other end.

The caller ID places his name to the call and my body freezes with fear. Do I answer it or do I leave it? Trying both has left me slandered. The anger in his voice, the rage received as he speaks to me presents his face to the forefront of my mind. I breakdown…at times he can hear my tears, other times I manage to keep it together until he hangs up and I sob with trepidation.

Seeing him elevates my heart rate once again. I pray that there is no question asked of me that surfaces his need for control when I cannot answer it. “Please God, I can’t handle the look of great disgust and hatred today,” plays through my mind. He has slammed his car door, he has screamed at me, he has again threatened me, he as looked at me with those cold eyes that slashed my existence while saying, “Fuck you,” and blamed me for all the loss he currently has. Hate, his message to me is that he truly hates me.

Honestly I want to give up. It is so hard to not just bow my head and give in to him. At times I think if I just let him come home, drop the divorce, and let him dominate me then he will calm down. The abuse would be easier to take, to handle than this. That is how I feel right now and the only thing that keeps me from surrendering are my children’s faces. They deserve better.

Powerless, tonight I feel defenseless. I cannot protect myself as I fear his reaction. I know that I deserve to feel safe, but I again am trying to scratch myself out of the survival abyss. Struggling with what I can do causes me emotional strain and physical sickness. I don’t make quick decisions…I will proceed with education and pray my gut carries me through. As my arms reach out, I am met with nothing. The emptiness is eroding my soul.

Why now…Will it ever end

~Nina~