One week has passed since I have pieced together the interpretation of my insides. Writing is my way to pour out the emotions that build and I can then channel them into a positive energy. To be frank, I am not sure the haze has lifted quite yet. I honestly have felt the darkness of depression cloud over my energy the past few weeks. Not everything in my life has been a negative endeavor, but one particular aspect of my life has been draining the life right out of me. I never imagined the continued heartache from the newly built avenues of confrontation, but the challenge remains. Regardless of the months that have passed I am faced with pressure that I refuse to live with.
I would like to assume it has been the recent dissolving of an important tie to me, but I was informed a few days ago that the crumbled foundation took place moons ago. It was expressed to me that life moved on without me many years ago and this person hasn’t had any sort of trust invested in me for so long that the belief of my experience was never there to begin with. Rest assured, one of my gifts is the ability to read behavior and pick up on the invisible. I knew that this person didn’t and wouldn’t support me, but he asks why I didn’t come to him sooner. Why? This is all I have to say, “The outcome would have been the same as your belief in me was lost years ago.”
Life is a gift and I live to appreciate every day I get on this earth. I have worked hard for all that I have now and all that I have lost. I am a person that any parent could be proud of, yet struggle to be of quality to the one person I have strived for acceptance from for years. Please save me the heartache of reliving a false hope that things have changed. There is an underlying cycle within yourself and if I had known the truth, I wouldn’t have had a phone call made to you in a time of urgency. You don’t get the chance to mess with someone’s heart when you are unsure of your own internal turmoil. You said your piece, you hurt me dearly…don’t try to back track the damage caused due to your insecurities. You made a decision…stand by it, a lesson you have preached to me for so long.
One thing I have learned is that this is my life and my destiny remains in my own hands. I know what I have put into both my marriages and still I am left to wonder if it was my fault, if I only had been able to do more both times. I would never regret either of the experiences or any of my children. They are my world, a gift from God. The message received about my choices and how I handle my problems was inappropriate. I am not running and I refuse to live in regret. I have and will continue to make my own decisions. I will stand by these decisions…right, wrong, or indifferent, they are my decisions.
The ever dying need to have your approval has cost me time. Another week of reliving experiences as you planted the seed of doubt as to what I have been through not being as severe as it was and for what, to again feel as though I have failed you dearly. Any failures I have had or will have are mine; I am not living for you or your opinion of me anymore. As this tear rolls down my face the struggle to let you go is there, but necessary. As my head tips in this silent good-bye, I hope you can find in your heart what makes you happy.
You may not be proud…But I know I am worthy
~Nina~
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