There have been red flags brought to my attention. Is today the first time? Was last week the first time? No, there has been behavior that I prayed would never happen again. Though he doesn’t live under the same roof, he still has managed to suck me back into an abusive cycle. There is such a thing as abuse after separation and I feel trapped…insecure.
Anger and control has such a strong grasp on the man I had married, the man I fear. I didn’t ever think that things would return to a point where I would feel unsafe again, but it has happened. I never thought I would again feel isolated and emotionally drained as I have the past few weeks. The desire to eat has vanished, the ability to sleep peacefully once again gone. Why? Where does this come from?
I have maintained the boundaries from him having physical access to me. Things had been going very smooth and the trust invested to a co-parenting relationship was there. I just want the best for my children which includes a healthy relationship with their father. The encapsulated control and instilled fear was re-established as he verbalized anger. His anger induced my fears once again.
Uncomfortable pressure has been consistently placed regardless of my request for it to cease. Personal boundaries once again pressed until he was able to place a toe over the line. The constant texts and repeated phone calls…the emotional badgering and heightening of his discomfort at losing control leaves me to be extremely concerned.
The flood of emotion surges from my eyes. The tears pour a river of sadness from my heart. The question of survival stares me in the face once again. The threat made causes me to cower to the shadows of my crumbled essence. Can I pull together? Can I search and find the strength once again? Looking above…I pray.
Isolation leeks…Fear freezes
~Nina~
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