Earlier this afternoon I was greeted with another wave of overwhelming emotions. I haven’t been feeling all that great and I didn’t write last night due to physical illness. After receiving another persistent phone call today, I just couldn’t take it anymore. He got what he wanted when he told my lawyer that he was going to make my life miserable. I am swarmed by the creditors on the vehicle he blatantly stopped paying on regardless of his agreement and a court order because he wanted to hurt me. Everyday since I have suffered and more giving him the victory he searched for.
Beyond frustrated I sat down to put some feelings on paper. Then the tears began to stream down my face. I just want to give up. I keep wondering if I have it in me to stick this out without surrender. I feel like a prisoner. Everything…he has just about buried me in every area he can. As the water creeps I struggle to move as the current is strong, then it comes to my jaw line and I fear I will drown. At what point does everything just settle for good. When is this over?
Poetry is a way to express myself. When I sat down the lyrics poured out of my heart and down my face…
It's never enough, it doesn’t quit
Frustrated and sad, only to cry
Being chased daily, no rest to sit
Domino effect, my question why
His reason low, hurtful indeed
A claim of misery, I bring to him
In his mind, his right to plant seed
Misery to me, honestly he does win
Never my behavior, intentions of hurt
Only I loved him, devoted my soul
Pieces taken, with his over assert
Now this moment, empty I with this hole
After writing the verses I just had a surge of mixed emotions. I was frustrated! Never once did I act in a manor to deliberately hurt him. Working hard for everything I have, I brought what I could to the table…to this family, to the marriage. I have been forced into a loss of a foundation I had been building since I was 16 years old. I have been taken to the knees and held down consistently on many emotional levels. Now as I try to stand there is yet another pressing issue or emotions resisting my endeavors. I gave him everything I had!!! Sure, say it like others have, “It won’t be like this forever. You can start over and recover from this.” Well damnit! I have been trying to start over, get a fresh start to life and pull recovery to the many damaged areas of my life…of my person. I have been trying for 9 months, I keep plugging away and putting pieces together only to find them frame this void in the puzzle without riddle for me to locate the missing pieces. Without notice I am kicked in the stomach by the lurking emotions of great weight bringing this roller coaster ride that I no longer want to be on.
Through the night time routine I just brought focus to my sweet children and their needs from me at that moment. The distraction worked, but was temporary as when they closed their eyes I was left alone with this feeling like I was going to explode. My heart raced, my mind a blur. Again, I found myself fighting a river of emotion as my cheeks became wet. Searching for something to ease the pain, the pressing frustration I pulled out the drawer that is home to my painting supplies. After gathering everything I needed, I put a couple pieces out for me to paint.
As I dipped my brush into the paint I could feel my breathing become less labored. Instantly as I guided that first brushstroke along the base of the piece I was starting I could feel my body relax. Soothing, painting has always brought a calming effect to my body, mind, and soul. As I place the base coat I begin to visualize the finished product. I then play with colors within my imagination to determine just how I can go from the base coat of sheer black, to something with life. With each final piece I have painted, I pose expression…I bring a dull sculpture of ceramic to life through various techniques and layers of color. I capture the detail that can’t be seen when you look at the blank slate.
Feeling my entire being relax, I was staring there at my hands working on something that was bigger than the piece I was painting. Life is the process of evolution, the layering of many colors as well as the use of the vast techniques of application. It is a natural approach to everything I do. I can see the final product, vision, or hopes for structure and then I develop my plan or layout. This way of looking at the bigger picture in the future is the way I navigate through the present.
Halting for a moment I realized, I too am a piece of art. I am this blank slate just waiting for the array of colors and brushstrokes to flow my expression…my essence. Each day I can paint my way to where I want to go, to who I want to be. I just have to visualize within my heart and hold onto that picture of peace. The beauty of painting is that it evolves along the way coming together with new techniques, changed tint schemes, but always do present with the breathtaking arrangements of colors that melt into that final display.
This may be a roller coaster and I appear to repeatedly miss the exit as my seatbelt constantly malfunctions, but if I am going to be forced into this ride then I need to find a way to gather my focus and lose that lurched feeling as I plummet into difficult days. I will paint…I will close my eyes and bring the brush to a new color, a brighter hue. I will glide the shade across my heart and allow the new color to cover this day, this darkness. I will again peek at that final vision, the inspiring shades of a warming sunset as I move forward with my canvas.
Palette of many...Endless color schemes
~Nina~
September 10, 2010
September 8, 2010
Tough Start…Strong Finish
With a day as difficult as I had yesterday there has been many checking in with me today just to ask, “How are you today?” The surrounding support is more than I could ever ask for. The genuine concern gives me the hope I need to prevail…to maintain focus on the growth I have achieved. The belief that has been expressed in me goes beyond encouragement. I am loved…I am loved for who I am.
The events of my day…how do I express just what my day has brought to me. How about I begin with the first text message of the day…it was 7:28 a.m. “Good morning! How did u sleep?” This person has been a huge presenting security with vast support and availability to me. I appreciate this person more than they know. My morning started early with a meeting and as I got this message later in the morning I had already experience emotions that I didn’t expect to be faced with.
My update…
I want to express a thank you to the individual for checking in with me this morning. As far as sleep, when I went to bed there was this jolt of panic. I couldn’t breathe as my heart had lodged in my throat and I felt like I was going to explode. It has been so long since I have had that sort of anxiety about closing my eyes and becoming vulnerable to my unconscious. A few days before his release I woke up to nightmares, but the fear of going to sleep hasn’t been an issue for quite some time. I honestly made it to a place where I felt I have done the right thing, I have maintained the appropriate strength, and developed a functional life for the kids and me. The ability to verbalize that this wasn’t my fault was an achievement, a moment of pride.
When this person left last night, even before they came…I had started to grasp myself. Between the ability to speak to someone earlier, the distraction of my busy routine at home, and the comfort of their presence, I started to settle. Having them there, just to work through happy memories or express my struggle to again become obedient to him…I needed that and I want to thank them!
A few weeks ago there was an email that came across the entire department from our administrator. It was asking if there was anyone that would be interested in being a representative for our department. Instantly I saw the doorbell that I ring when go seek my support network. As I look up the sign is there on the wall… United Way …I know the importance of funding to something that has brought this opportunity to live, to survive, and without hesitation I responded to our administrator’s email with the response that I would love to. If there is something I can do to give back to something that has given to me, then I will do what I can in my power to do just that.
Today was our first meeting and I was feeling empowered as giving back is very important to me. Since the day I had signed up to volunteer for this project I had the desire to present to people a token of my experience and what it is to have opportunities presented, to foster the reality that overcoming this is possible. The services and programs that have assisted my children and I have been amazing and I just want to pay forward as this is my reason for being apart of the United Way team….to give back to something that has given to me.
As the meeting progressed I had my ideas in the back of my mind while a video was played. The presenting scene was of two people expressing the growing need and underestimated demand within our community has for families in times of difficulty. Then there were some small blocks on the following screen that had logos or programs that have benefited from the funds raised. Then another set popped up and there it was, a block with the logo, a logo on a business card I have hiding in my office. The organization that brought support to our community, to me and my situation, it was there on the screen. As my efforts became validated the block I was staring at began to swell and took up the entire screen. As the white background dissolved I was staring at a person I work closely with, I heard the voice of encouragement that often speaks to me in times of struggle. The flood of emotions became uncontrollable. The reality of my situation, my whirlwind of emotions, my journey all brought difficulty to breathe. After the video clip my mind became a haze…the only racing thought I had was, “I can do this, I can give back to a program of hope so others too can move forward with a healthy life.” Walking out of the room I took a deep breath and held my chin up…I will give great efforts to this.
I don’t have lots to offer, but this entire experience has fueled my aspiration to give a voice to other women and children, to give back to those who have been there for my children and me. There is nothing more warming then arms surrounding you when you feel so alone. Despite my fear and discomfort with needles I began to and now religiously donate blood. Tomorrow will mark my third donation to the Blood Center since entering this journey of recovery. I donate other items instead of throwing them out, I volunteer, I make sure the kids pick up at daycare before leaving, we reach out to those when we can….all I have to offer is the labor of my hands and the passion of my heart. Someday I hope to be more; I hope to carry a position to meet with women, to hold their hands, to come to their home when they need someone….I hope to be affiliated with the local agency that I have been involved with or a similar organization. I hope to share endorsements emotionally through public speaking and financially from the future success I may have. I hope to make a difference!
Yesterday I didn’t feel like I was stronger than I had been in the beginning, I didn’t feel like I was in a better place and it is hard to grasp the reality that I truly am when the raw emotions of that moment, that hour pull with discouragement. My gauge to my efforts within is the recovery time…I indeed had an emotional morning, but I had been able to pull myself together within an hour. I now at this second feel calm…empowered. I recognize that the probability of my breaking down and crying or being scared within the day or tomorrow will happen again, but I am not letting that take this moment…I can have this moment, this minute, this hour…I don’t have to let it consume me as I can control that. Deep breaths…they don’t feel as painful anymore, they feel encouraging.
Again, I want to thank everyone…I appreciate each of you more than you will ever know!
~Nina~
The events of my day…how do I express just what my day has brought to me. How about I begin with the first text message of the day…it was 7:28 a.m. “Good morning! How did u sleep?” This person has been a huge presenting security with vast support and availability to me. I appreciate this person more than they know. My morning started early with a meeting and as I got this message later in the morning I had already experience emotions that I didn’t expect to be faced with.
My update…
I want to express a thank you to the individual for checking in with me this morning. As far as sleep, when I went to bed there was this jolt of panic. I couldn’t breathe as my heart had lodged in my throat and I felt like I was going to explode. It has been so long since I have had that sort of anxiety about closing my eyes and becoming vulnerable to my unconscious. A few days before his release I woke up to nightmares, but the fear of going to sleep hasn’t been an issue for quite some time. I honestly made it to a place where I felt I have done the right thing, I have maintained the appropriate strength, and developed a functional life for the kids and me. The ability to verbalize that this wasn’t my fault was an achievement, a moment of pride.
When this person left last night, even before they came…I had started to grasp myself. Between the ability to speak to someone earlier, the distraction of my busy routine at home, and the comfort of their presence, I started to settle. Having them there, just to work through happy memories or express my struggle to again become obedient to him…I needed that and I want to thank them!
A few weeks ago there was an email that came across the entire department from our administrator. It was asking if there was anyone that would be interested in being a representative for our department. Instantly I saw the doorbell that I ring when go seek my support network. As I look up the sign is there on the wall… United Way …I know the importance of funding to something that has brought this opportunity to live, to survive, and without hesitation I responded to our administrator’s email with the response that I would love to. If there is something I can do to give back to something that has given to me, then I will do what I can in my power to do just that.
Today was our first meeting and I was feeling empowered as giving back is very important to me. Since the day I had signed up to volunteer for this project I had the desire to present to people a token of my experience and what it is to have opportunities presented, to foster the reality that overcoming this is possible. The services and programs that have assisted my children and I have been amazing and I just want to pay forward as this is my reason for being apart of the United Way team….to give back to something that has given to me.
As the meeting progressed I had my ideas in the back of my mind while a video was played. The presenting scene was of two people expressing the growing need and underestimated demand within our community has for families in times of difficulty. Then there were some small blocks on the following screen that had logos or programs that have benefited from the funds raised. Then another set popped up and there it was, a block with the logo, a logo on a business card I have hiding in my office. The organization that brought support to our community, to me and my situation, it was there on the screen. As my efforts became validated the block I was staring at began to swell and took up the entire screen. As the white background dissolved I was staring at a person I work closely with, I heard the voice of encouragement that often speaks to me in times of struggle. The flood of emotions became uncontrollable. The reality of my situation, my whirlwind of emotions, my journey all brought difficulty to breathe. After the video clip my mind became a haze…the only racing thought I had was, “I can do this, I can give back to a program of hope so others too can move forward with a healthy life.” Walking out of the room I took a deep breath and held my chin up…I will give great efforts to this.
I don’t have lots to offer, but this entire experience has fueled my aspiration to give a voice to other women and children, to give back to those who have been there for my children and me. There is nothing more warming then arms surrounding you when you feel so alone. Despite my fear and discomfort with needles I began to and now religiously donate blood. Tomorrow will mark my third donation to the Blood Center since entering this journey of recovery. I donate other items instead of throwing them out, I volunteer, I make sure the kids pick up at daycare before leaving, we reach out to those when we can….all I have to offer is the labor of my hands and the passion of my heart. Someday I hope to be more; I hope to carry a position to meet with women, to hold their hands, to come to their home when they need someone….I hope to be affiliated with the local agency that I have been involved with or a similar organization. I hope to share endorsements emotionally through public speaking and financially from the future success I may have. I hope to make a difference!
Yesterday I didn’t feel like I was stronger than I had been in the beginning, I didn’t feel like I was in a better place and it is hard to grasp the reality that I truly am when the raw emotions of that moment, that hour pull with discouragement. My gauge to my efforts within is the recovery time…I indeed had an emotional morning, but I had been able to pull myself together within an hour. I now at this second feel calm…empowered. I recognize that the probability of my breaking down and crying or being scared within the day or tomorrow will happen again, but I am not letting that take this moment…I can have this moment, this minute, this hour…I don’t have to let it consume me as I can control that. Deep breaths…they don’t feel as painful anymore, they feel encouraging.
Again, I want to thank everyone…I appreciate each of you more than you will ever know!
~Nina~
September 7, 2010
Emotional Turmoil…Paralyzed Soul
Though yesterday was his release day, I wasn’t really affected by it until today. As I unlocked my door and stepped outside this morning I was swarmed by this overwhelming sense of nausea. Yesterday I stayed inside, avoided the reality of what I would be faced with…but today I had to face it. With new restrictions to the court order I feel on edge as he always tries to push the boundaries. I constantly looked over my shoulder, fearing he would be there ready to express his anger. I was doing so well, feeling like the power of his control was gone, and I was able to breath…today I was faced with a whole new whirlwind of emotion.
I pulled out of my driveway and headed off to work. My heart was racing and with the feeling of needing to vomit I realized that I had forgotten my badge for work. My mind already was pacing and causing distraction. When I unlocked the door I walked in, put my badge around my neck, and froze. At that very moment I felt I should place my wedding ring on, make immediate arrangements for him to know my sorrow, and make up to him…I felt I needed to be obedient to him as in his eyes I crossed him dearly. I felt like I was to take what he had for me. I felt swallowed by his control, my fear.
Where does this come from? I have felt strong these days…in control of my own world. I have been proud. It hasn’t hurt to breath, I have felt safe. With the simple knowledge of his ability to roam, I have no piece of mind to his frame of mind, whereabouts, or his intentions. Every vehicle that passed me left me gazing at the driver in wonder. Each unknown face resembled his. There came a point in my day where I couldn’t breath, I wanted…I needed answers.
Nothing is more captivating then the fear I had once again today. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to hide, to just let him win. I didn’t open my blinds this afternoon when I got home. I again have become a prisoner to mere safety of my own walls. After tucking my sweet children in I was faced with solitude. In attempt to resist my tears I ran on the treadmill. As I looked forward I could see his face, I would turn up the speed with effort to break free from this invisible hold. I ran so hard that I found myself hunched over the toilet. Heaving this despair I am left to feel defeated.
I pray that I can rest tonight. I pray that with time there will be no reason for me to further fear him or his behavior anymore. All I want is to be able breath, smile, open my blinds, play outside, and not wonder if today will be the day he wants to be angry. I pray he can find peace within and too live a healthy life. I just want a balance…I just want to live.
Invisible hold…Reappearing fear
~Nina~
I pulled out of my driveway and headed off to work. My heart was racing and with the feeling of needing to vomit I realized that I had forgotten my badge for work. My mind already was pacing and causing distraction. When I unlocked the door I walked in, put my badge around my neck, and froze. At that very moment I felt I should place my wedding ring on, make immediate arrangements for him to know my sorrow, and make up to him…I felt I needed to be obedient to him as in his eyes I crossed him dearly. I felt like I was to take what he had for me. I felt swallowed by his control, my fear.
Where does this come from? I have felt strong these days…in control of my own world. I have been proud. It hasn’t hurt to breath, I have felt safe. With the simple knowledge of his ability to roam, I have no piece of mind to his frame of mind, whereabouts, or his intentions. Every vehicle that passed me left me gazing at the driver in wonder. Each unknown face resembled his. There came a point in my day where I couldn’t breath, I wanted…I needed answers.
Nothing is more captivating then the fear I had once again today. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to hide, to just let him win. I didn’t open my blinds this afternoon when I got home. I again have become a prisoner to mere safety of my own walls. After tucking my sweet children in I was faced with solitude. In attempt to resist my tears I ran on the treadmill. As I looked forward I could see his face, I would turn up the speed with effort to break free from this invisible hold. I ran so hard that I found myself hunched over the toilet. Heaving this despair I am left to feel defeated.
I pray that I can rest tonight. I pray that with time there will be no reason for me to further fear him or his behavior anymore. All I want is to be able breath, smile, open my blinds, play outside, and not wonder if today will be the day he wants to be angry. I pray he can find peace within and too live a healthy life. I just want a balance…I just want to live.
Invisible hold…Reappearing fear
~Nina~
September 6, 2010
Timid Release…Praying Hope
The time has come and the man I have separated from, the man that is legally my husband was released today. How do I feel? I am not sure. Numbness has kept me calm. Distraction has been my greatest tool. I stayed home as today is the holiday and remained within the house. I also enjoyed some company which brought relief to the lonely and uneasy feeling. Before I knew it the day was over and here I am reflecting on something I have attempted to avoid all day.
Is it possible to evade something enough that it just doesn’t seem real? Of course, I use to do that when I lived with the abuse. I dodged the reality of his behavior for what it was because I was too ashamed to swallow my role as a victim. I thought I was smarter than that to be sucked into a vicious cycle…to surrender all control to another person as he violated my life on many levels. I found ways to take responsibility for his actions towards me, I believed him as I was sentenced to fault. If I changed and became what he wanted then he would change right? No, the two and a half years I have been around this I am left with the harsh reality that it doesn’t change and the only thing I have is hope to evolve with this process of surviving from it all.
As I remember that coping mechanism of prevaricating while living with it as well as when I initially left I am faced with the conclusion that I again have surfaced that ability to numb my essence and totally avoid the reality of today. I just think that I should be waking from a dream where this all has been nothing but a long and drawn out nightmare.
The fact is…this is not an illusion or a bad dream. All I am left to do is take a deep breath and hope…
What I hope for, what I pray for presses the weight through my mind right now. I hope things become uneventful. I hope there is no attempt at contact or violation to the order. I hope things can be set up with visitation in a timely manner. I pray that he has found something inside that will present him with life changing mannerisms. I hope he wakes with out anger and falls asleep with efforts to strive for a quality of better health. I pray I can remain energized and free of extreme emotion as I have come to a place I never thought I would have…tranquility. Most importantly I hope the fear maintains at bay.
Please may the seed of strength flourished deep roots…
~Nina~
Is it possible to evade something enough that it just doesn’t seem real? Of course, I use to do that when I lived with the abuse. I dodged the reality of his behavior for what it was because I was too ashamed to swallow my role as a victim. I thought I was smarter than that to be sucked into a vicious cycle…to surrender all control to another person as he violated my life on many levels. I found ways to take responsibility for his actions towards me, I believed him as I was sentenced to fault. If I changed and became what he wanted then he would change right? No, the two and a half years I have been around this I am left with the harsh reality that it doesn’t change and the only thing I have is hope to evolve with this process of surviving from it all.
As I remember that coping mechanism of prevaricating while living with it as well as when I initially left I am faced with the conclusion that I again have surfaced that ability to numb my essence and totally avoid the reality of today. I just think that I should be waking from a dream where this all has been nothing but a long and drawn out nightmare.
The fact is…this is not an illusion or a bad dream. All I am left to do is take a deep breath and hope…
What I hope for, what I pray for presses the weight through my mind right now. I hope things become uneventful. I hope there is no attempt at contact or violation to the order. I hope things can be set up with visitation in a timely manner. I pray that he has found something inside that will present him with life changing mannerisms. I hope he wakes with out anger and falls asleep with efforts to strive for a quality of better health. I pray I can remain energized and free of extreme emotion as I have come to a place I never thought I would have…tranquility. Most importantly I hope the fear maintains at bay.
Please may the seed of strength flourished deep roots…
~Nina~
September 5, 2010
Emotions will Cascade…Heart does Flood
A day I have waited for this moment for months, well today was my day. I anxiously ventured through each day and woke up today with my heart racing. The reality of today being emotional was understood, but the actual level of emotion choked me. There was a void that burned and today brought a waterfall of emotion…feelings that validate the love I have.
Driving home the bridge caved. My heart broke and the emotion poured from my heart. Sadness yet appreciation soaked my cheeks. Wiping the moisture only brought hope to my essence. I pray for another day like today.
I cannot express the exact events of my day…but they mean more to me then words can explain. Tonight I can rest my head with the peace I gained from a long awaited embrace. The vision of a smile of purity may trickle this lingered emotion, but tomorrow will be a new day…a day of strength.
Day never forgotten…Necessary time
~Nina~
Driving home the bridge caved. My heart broke and the emotion poured from my heart. Sadness yet appreciation soaked my cheeks. Wiping the moisture only brought hope to my essence. I pray for another day like today.
I cannot express the exact events of my day…but they mean more to me then words can explain. Tonight I can rest my head with the peace I gained from a long awaited embrace. The vision of a smile of purity may trickle this lingered emotion, but tomorrow will be a new day…a day of strength.
Day never forgotten…Necessary time
~Nina~
September 4, 2010
New Challenges…New Skills Earned
Last night I didn’t make it to the computer as I had fallen asleep next to my sweet daughter while snuggling with her. Waking up around midnight, I tucked her in and ventured downstairs. I stood before the mirror in the bathroom and realized that the serenity I was embraced with at that very moment calmed all possibility to have anything but peace at heart. Life at this time is just what I need…calm.
Today presented me with some challenges I wanted to overcome. I have a hunger that burns deep for knowledge as I am addicted to learning. I won’t allow anything to stand in my way while the words, “I can’t” are not allowed. If there is one thing I have learned is that I don’t stand on the side lines waiting for help…I will find a way to prove myself. There is nothing that I cannot do. My motto remains: if there is a will, there is a way.
My little girl is three years old and only has had one actual hair cut since I brought her into this world. I did cut her bangs a few times myself, but the body and style grew naturally. This summer was the first time I had it trimmed as it was getting a little long. Now having boys is a different story. The up keep is necessary more frequently and not something I was ready for. With that comes double the price tag which is just another blessing of twin bliss. My energy is to meet my children’s needs with the most cost effective way without jeopardizing the integrity of their needs. Funds are not endless here in my motherhood pocket book, which is why if I can find another route to bring ease to the cost of parenthood I will.
With lots of research, reading, and some focus on my belief within I laid out the tools for this new adventure. I wanted to maintain a similar style as their little boy look is beyond adorable. With the use of two guards, a pair of scissors, and a deep breath I managed to present success to a cute hair cut times two. The boys did great sitting patiently and I just trusted myself enough to know that I have always managed to succeed with anything I put my effort into. As I cleaned them up and dressed them they both smiled with great innocence, of that purity of a small child. They are growing so fast and now have those grown up looks to them. My babies are becoming toddlers while I struggle to slow time.
I was filled with pride today. I pulled off a little boy’s haircut that wasn’t a buzz cut. I added to my bank of skills in which can save me not only a trip to the salon, but a debit to my checkbook. Everyday I find new ways to strive at the challenges of raising twins, but more importantly I present great avenues to taking care of my three little ones as a single mother. I have said it many times before, but I cannot say it enough…being a mother is my number one job and my children are my number one priority.
I will shortly head up to bed and finalize my day. I will check on my darlings one last time and run my hand down their backs while whispering, “I love you” one more time. As I reach the doorway to each of their rooms, I will turn and smile as the pride I have glows as I watch my beautiful gifts sleeping. I will place my head upon my pillow and close my eyes with the internal harmony that calms my mind. Drifting into the land of dreams I will pray my appreciation to the life I have…to the gift I truly love.
Lockets of love…Snippets of transition
~Nina~
Today presented me with some challenges I wanted to overcome. I have a hunger that burns deep for knowledge as I am addicted to learning. I won’t allow anything to stand in my way while the words, “I can’t” are not allowed. If there is one thing I have learned is that I don’t stand on the side lines waiting for help…I will find a way to prove myself. There is nothing that I cannot do. My motto remains: if there is a will, there is a way.
My little girl is three years old and only has had one actual hair cut since I brought her into this world. I did cut her bangs a few times myself, but the body and style grew naturally. This summer was the first time I had it trimmed as it was getting a little long. Now having boys is a different story. The up keep is necessary more frequently and not something I was ready for. With that comes double the price tag which is just another blessing of twin bliss. My energy is to meet my children’s needs with the most cost effective way without jeopardizing the integrity of their needs. Funds are not endless here in my motherhood pocket book, which is why if I can find another route to bring ease to the cost of parenthood I will.
With lots of research, reading, and some focus on my belief within I laid out the tools for this new adventure. I wanted to maintain a similar style as their little boy look is beyond adorable. With the use of two guards, a pair of scissors, and a deep breath I managed to present success to a cute hair cut times two. The boys did great sitting patiently and I just trusted myself enough to know that I have always managed to succeed with anything I put my effort into. As I cleaned them up and dressed them they both smiled with great innocence, of that purity of a small child. They are growing so fast and now have those grown up looks to them. My babies are becoming toddlers while I struggle to slow time.
I was filled with pride today. I pulled off a little boy’s haircut that wasn’t a buzz cut. I added to my bank of skills in which can save me not only a trip to the salon, but a debit to my checkbook. Everyday I find new ways to strive at the challenges of raising twins, but more importantly I present great avenues to taking care of my three little ones as a single mother. I have said it many times before, but I cannot say it enough…being a mother is my number one job and my children are my number one priority.
I will shortly head up to bed and finalize my day. I will check on my darlings one last time and run my hand down their backs while whispering, “I love you” one more time. As I reach the doorway to each of their rooms, I will turn and smile as the pride I have glows as I watch my beautiful gifts sleeping. I will place my head upon my pillow and close my eyes with the internal harmony that calms my mind. Drifting into the land of dreams I will pray my appreciation to the life I have…to the gift I truly love.
Lockets of love…Snippets of transition
~Nina~
September 3, 2010
Internal Burn…Soul does Search
September 2, 2010
Feeling much more rested today, I am up allowing my mind to venture the depths of my imagination after my children have been tucked in. Kissing their foreheads, I swept my index finger gently across their cheeks and traced the line behind their ears. The sensitive response reflected from their innocent smiles validates the emotional connection from something as simple as touch. I not only tell them verbally, but nonverbally I communicate my love for them daily. As I flipped the switch off at the top of the stairs, I turned and smiled as my heart was warm knowing they can rest with visions of sugar plums floating amongst their dreams.
Tonight I ponder the communication of touch between two adult souls. When a man and a woman become romantically involved there is a level of nonverbal language shared, that connection of electricity upon her skin as he slides his hand up her arm or the sensitivity he embraces as she caresses his cheek in her delicate hand. There is nothing more powerful then the words that go unspoken.
Lying on the couch I close my eyes and allow my mind to be taken by my imagination…
Standing before the window she gazes to the stars. The room is filled with the soft glow of candlelight, bringing radiance to her complexion while he watches her from behind. Sensing a presence, she glances over her shoulder to see him in the doorway. Looking back to the window she ever so gracefully flips her hair presenting invitation to his grasp. Gliding across the room, he reaches her only to guide all of her hair around to one shoulder. Exposing the vulnerability of her neck into the arm he stands closest too he develops a need to express his physical desire with a nonverbal interpretation.
The sight of her creamy skin begs him to connect his lips to the top of her shoulder. Instantly a sense of lust flows through her body. Remaining taut, her posture is of composure. The trace of his cologne melts her internal being, but control allows her to keep still. He follows a trail of kisses up her neck, while standing behind her, until he reaches her earlobe. Unable to maintain quite he whispers to her, expressing just how beautiful she is. The warmth of his breath on her necks dissolves her reserve and she becomes malleable to his gestures.
Their eyes connect as the position of their bodies become square with one another. Softness molds them as one while the heat rises between them. Silently she pleads for him to hold her tender, to please hold her strong. The grasp he engages in as he pulls her into him is tender, yet dominant. His left hand cups her jaw line causing her head to tilt back slightly while her posture slouches upon the pliable warmth of their kiss does bring weakness to her knees. Running her fingers through his hair the desire burns within them both.
Mutually the strength of their hold becomes bold. The emotional hunger becomes urgent. Needing, wanting to be close becomes the only focus. Placing her hand on his chest she takes the lead while pushing him back until he is sitting on the edge of the bed. Leaning over him she kisses just behind his ear. The sensation of her hot breath surges an animalistic reaction within his core. She closes her eyes as she whispers how much she wants him at that moment.
…the vision captured me with a vivid hold. Upon opening my eyes I am surrounded with solitude, but the warmth of fantasy.
Taking time to understand and visualize that pure connection of heat leaves me a little timid. Though my imagination carries me through a scene of great passion, a vision most women have at one time or another, it excites my question of just how the true sensation of a touch like this will be received by my skin. A moment, an experience such as this will come with deep trust and respect. A foundational love of safety…a love I will wait forever for if need be.
A verse from my heart…
Resting these eyes this she does see
Begging for safety she does plead
Dancing with desire will set her free
Growth within empowerment seed
Do love her tender feathered aloft
Please hold her do grasp her strong
A touch so delicate so very soft
To be with, to love she does long
I may be alone, but no more am I fearful of the loneliness. Patience is a virtue, a quality necessary to be used through this adventure. I will not force or press the process of romance. I will appreciate the visions I have and understand that someday, somewhere a love of purity awaits me.
Fable for now…Innocent does fantasy
~Nina~
Feeling much more rested today, I am up allowing my mind to venture the depths of my imagination after my children have been tucked in. Kissing their foreheads, I swept my index finger gently across their cheeks and traced the line behind their ears. The sensitive response reflected from their innocent smiles validates the emotional connection from something as simple as touch. I not only tell them verbally, but nonverbally I communicate my love for them daily. As I flipped the switch off at the top of the stairs, I turned and smiled as my heart was warm knowing they can rest with visions of sugar plums floating amongst their dreams.
Tonight I ponder the communication of touch between two adult souls. When a man and a woman become romantically involved there is a level of nonverbal language shared, that connection of electricity upon her skin as he slides his hand up her arm or the sensitivity he embraces as she caresses his cheek in her delicate hand. There is nothing more powerful then the words that go unspoken.
Lying on the couch I close my eyes and allow my mind to be taken by my imagination…
Standing before the window she gazes to the stars. The room is filled with the soft glow of candlelight, bringing radiance to her complexion while he watches her from behind. Sensing a presence, she glances over her shoulder to see him in the doorway. Looking back to the window she ever so gracefully flips her hair presenting invitation to his grasp. Gliding across the room, he reaches her only to guide all of her hair around to one shoulder. Exposing the vulnerability of her neck into the arm he stands closest too he develops a need to express his physical desire with a nonverbal interpretation.
The sight of her creamy skin begs him to connect his lips to the top of her shoulder. Instantly a sense of lust flows through her body. Remaining taut, her posture is of composure. The trace of his cologne melts her internal being, but control allows her to keep still. He follows a trail of kisses up her neck, while standing behind her, until he reaches her earlobe. Unable to maintain quite he whispers to her, expressing just how beautiful she is. The warmth of his breath on her necks dissolves her reserve and she becomes malleable to his gestures.
Their eyes connect as the position of their bodies become square with one another. Softness molds them as one while the heat rises between them. Silently she pleads for him to hold her tender, to please hold her strong. The grasp he engages in as he pulls her into him is tender, yet dominant. His left hand cups her jaw line causing her head to tilt back slightly while her posture slouches upon the pliable warmth of their kiss does bring weakness to her knees. Running her fingers through his hair the desire burns within them both.
Mutually the strength of their hold becomes bold. The emotional hunger becomes urgent. Needing, wanting to be close becomes the only focus. Placing her hand on his chest she takes the lead while pushing him back until he is sitting on the edge of the bed. Leaning over him she kisses just behind his ear. The sensation of her hot breath surges an animalistic reaction within his core. She closes her eyes as she whispers how much she wants him at that moment.
…the vision captured me with a vivid hold. Upon opening my eyes I am surrounded with solitude, but the warmth of fantasy.
Taking time to understand and visualize that pure connection of heat leaves me a little timid. Though my imagination carries me through a scene of great passion, a vision most women have at one time or another, it excites my question of just how the true sensation of a touch like this will be received by my skin. A moment, an experience such as this will come with deep trust and respect. A foundational love of safety…a love I will wait forever for if need be.
A verse from my heart…
Resting these eyes this she does see
Begging for safety she does plead
Dancing with desire will set her free
Growth within empowerment seed
Do love her tender feathered aloft
Please hold her do grasp her strong
A touch so delicate so very soft
To be with, to love she does long
I may be alone, but no more am I fearful of the loneliness. Patience is a virtue, a quality necessary to be used through this adventure. I will not force or press the process of romance. I will appreciate the visions I have and understand that someday, somewhere a love of purity awaits me.
Fable for now…Innocent does fantasy
~Nina~
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