Struggles to Comply…Caved to Response

Waking up this morning was difficult. It was as though my subconscious already knew what my day was going to consist of. I opened my eyes, looked at my alarm clock, and then gazed out the window. Every possible question ran through my mind. Have I made the right choices? How did I get here? Why haven’t I written in two days? Can I grow professionally? Will I be successful at raising my children? Will they value hard work and respect others? Is there something more that I can be doing? Is there something more I should be doing? Will I be ok? As there were so many more questions that raced through my mind, I felt a single tear roll down my left cheek. I knew today was going to be a hurricane of emotion…it was.

After dropping off my little ones at daycare this morning, I looked into the rearview mirror and without notice felt this lump lodge in my throat. I wanted to swallow, but I couldn’t. I was fighting the involuntary welling of tears. As I drove to work I was able to mull through the unsuspected emotion and shift my focus to something different.

Going about my day was a distraction, but there lingered that urge to just sit down and cry. Why? Where does this come from? The confusion just swirls around me until I take the time to just confront it. Today I didn’t want to, I just wanted to be left alone.

Having an appointment this afternoon left me feeling a little uneasy as I wasn’t sure how it would go. I had so many questions and just really want to figure the remaining pieces so the process can move forward. As I sat down a list was handed across the table. With each line I read, the room became more hazed. I couldn’t breathe and I could feel the anxiety rise as it took over my body. My heart was racing as this was a piece to explain his frame of mind right now. Shear confusion rushed, I wondered how…why? Instantly I felt this need to curl up, to give in. My ring flashed in the forefront of my mind. All his interpreted rules of his behavior weighed on me like that of a ton of bricks. I could see the people around me talking, but I couldn’t fully take anything in or understand.

I walked out of the building and felt dizzy as the world whipped by. Someone walked me to my car and I was a shell, looking forward, I struggled to just isolate myself from everyone. It is safer for me if I just abide by his invisible hold…if I just cave to the control. Getting into my vehicle I was overwhelmed with sickness. The nausea was captivating and my body shook. Putting the vehicle in drive opened the flood gate. Emotion fell from my eyes, soaking my soul. I needed a few minutes to compose myself, I couldn’t pick my children up with this train-wreck appearance.

Pulling into the parking lot, I had arrived to a place that has become a home away from home. This is where the journey began; this is where the knowledge was presented…where the support began. I didn’t make it far before I ran into the bathroom. Hunched over I heaved so violently that my eyes hurt. Leaning back I flushed only to feel defeated. Crumbled there on the floor I sobbed…I am unsure what to do anymore. Pulling myself together I stood with a timid posture. Finally I made it to my office and as I sat down, yet again another river flowed from my eyes. I pulled at my shirt, I couldn’t breathe. At that time of the day there is no one around and I just felt safe enough to let things go. After a few minutes I had the urgency to go pick up my blessed trio. I needed them; I needed their smiles…their innocence.

Making it home I started with our routine. I maintain composure while in front of my children, I do not want this robbing them of their childhood…I do not want them to worry or be encased with sadness. They need to laugh, play, and live life through a child’s eyes…they do not need to be swarmed with the adult world or adult concepts. Though feeling uneasy inside, I suppressed my emotional needs until they all went to bed. Tucking each of them in I whispered, “I love you. Sweet dreams.” Walking down the stairs I halted at the landing. The silent stream flowed and I at that moment caved.

I paced the house. I was fighting the urge…the need. I pulled my wedding ring out and stared at it. Shaking my head I set it down. I can’t do this, I cannot let him win. Again, the list I was presented with flashed in front of my face, the conversation replayed through my mind. The overwhelming reality of what truly is going through his mind and gaining some insight to his state all became too much. I couldn’t breathe, my head pounded, and I began to shake. Stepping forward I gave in, I put my ring on.

Instantly there was a sense of relief. I cannot describe to anyone how hard it is to maintain strength, to stand my ground. Understanding why women go back…I know why they do, why I would. It is having the ability of knowing where he is, being able to read his behavior, and deciphering his mood. Getting through my days was being able to adjust to his state of mind at that moment. Not knowing, left wondering, having no ability to trust I am left to have no game plan. I am left waiting for him to become unhappy with me, to burn me with his eyes of fury. I wasn’t allowed to stand up to him, to be intolerant of his treatment towards me. When I did I was told that, “I will not meet you to get the kids. The kids only come here if you come here. If you don’t then you can explain to their Grandparents why they didn’t get to see them on Thanksgiving.” Knowing just how I would be treated I didn’t want to, but did on the behalf of my children and their Grandparents as I didn’t want to take time, to take memories from them. If I didn’t control my emotions and had a break down I was scolded and ‘thanked’ for “embarrassing him in front of his family.” Being obedient has allowed me to survive…it kept an escalation at bay. Having this sense of obedience to him has allowed me to once again calm and hope for the avoidance of intensification to his underlying thrive for control.

Avoiding, yes I have avoided people tonight. I didn’t open my blinds, I didn’t respond to messages. As I write this next section the reference ‘you’ is for my audience. I will talk to you each as if it was one on one…

The anticipated disappointment from you is too much for me. I feel ashamed that I broke down and gave in. I feel as though I have let you down. Are you? Do you feel disappointed as you visualize my left hand again decorated with that of my ring? I don’t know how to bring an understanding, I just hope to give you enough that you will try to understand. I don’t even know what I expect other than you looking down upon my fold. It isn’t as easy as just deciding, “Don’t care. Just don’t let it bother you.” Please know that I try everyday and I will keep trying. I am doing the best that I can. I don’t want you to be mad, I don’t want you to leave. Do you know what if feels like to feel so damaged that even if someone did fall in love with me, they wouldn’t stay? He will take that from me too. I know that my choices have been correct and my children deserve to lead a life free from the chaos of domestic abuse. Just the experience of witnessing myself as a target is as damaging as being a target. I do what I do everyday for them. That is why I maintain the safety clause and rest assured I won’t revert entirely. Please, I just need this for a moment…please, keep believing in me.

…I apologize, but know I will keep trying.

As a victim…as a person of surrender, he truly had the control. I didn’t want to disappoint him, to upset him, to hear him yell. I had lost my ability to stand up for myself and I still struggle with that yet today. I pray it doesn’t cost me my entire life. I pray I can get through this with the strength I have conditioned for. I pray to feel whole again.

Emotional surrender…For a moment of calm

~Nina~