How do you even begin to say good-bye? I feel like I am in so many pieces and as I try to put them together I feel this urge to give up. I met with someone today that allows me to venture through my emotions. I kept saying, “I don’t know,” over and over without a question being asked of me. I feel so Goddamn lost and just want clarity so bad. I feel like my life was taken away from me and it just continues to trickle until one by one I have few people to turn to. Ones I love so dearly can’t handle seeing me or hearing, even reading what it is that I go through. I know this has effected people, I know it is draining…I live it everyday and carry the weight of pure exhaustion as each day feels like three. I have had moments, days, even a month where I haven’t felt like a prisoner, but now I again feel kidnapped from a life I want so badly to live without pain. As a toddler begins to learn how to walk, we as parents don’t lose hope as the first stumbles appear to be the time our child will take off, but then wait another few weeks, or months before they actually walk. We know they will walk again and forever forward, I feel like people are losing faith in me…maybe it is me losing belief.
At this moment I feel more alone than I thought could actually be possible. Over weeks and conversations I have felt this pull from me. I feel this dying distance that tears at my heart as someone would feel as they would with the loss of their best friend. I surrender my efforts. With doing that I have a river of sorrow pour down my face as I want to call and just explain one last thing, but it won’t bring back what has been taken from me. This has changed everything and I feel nothing but heartbroken as I watch things crumble…my foundation falls at my feet without my being able to stop it.
Hanging up the phone I knew that it was time, at that moment I realized more than I could handle. Maintaining composure for the next 20 minutes…no, I was so numb that my brainstem is what kept me breathing. When the emotions caught up with me I had a flood gate. I felt so sad as I have this feeling of loss. I felt angry as he has affected every relationship I have. I felt solemn as I bowed my head and decided to fade into the surroundings.
These pages have brought me a comfort as I mulled through much despair and hopelessness. This isn’t easy to lay the parting letters into my good-bye. Where I go from here needs to be on my own and without witness. Thank you to everyone who has followed, expressed a fallen tear, or embraced serenity with a growing hope. The months have been here and there, up and down, but at the end of the day they collectively brought me to where I am right now. I know what I need to do….
Good-bye
~Nina~
September 20, 2010
September 19, 2010
Flavors Dreamt…Cuisine Lived
Today has been a day of peace. Very busy as I get up with my little ones and it is breakfast, clean-up, dressing, dishes, playing, and by the time we made it just to the morning nap, I was having to get other things done before getting lunch together just in time for the boys to wake up and start over with meals, clean-up, dishes, and more. I didn’t sit down until after bathes. We had then all cuddled up on the couch with a book with the faint sound of a movie playing in the background. The focus of my day was my adventure in the kitchen today.
Cooking is an activity I have always enjoyed. I am pretty mechanical and can follow a recipe with the outcome matching the picture, but I have always wanted to just start grabbing ingredients to bring my own masterpiece alive. As I ventured to the freezer I reached down and picked up a frozen package…instantly my mind started to go wild with the possibilities. I didn’t open a cookbook, I just went on instinct. I wasn’t going for gourmet, but edible and I more than succeeded. As I divided it up for our week I was feeling accomplished as I enjoyed my time just doing something I wanted to do as well as brought a game plan to our suppers. Our weekdays are demanding and the key is to plan ahead.
Other than that, I am at this moment unsure of how I feel. I have this lost haze about my thoughts, with a dash of emptiness. I do pretty good through out the day as I am distracted with diapers, giggles, chores, and more. It is when I turn down the lights, rock them good night, and lay them down for the evening that I become vulnerable. Being alone isn’t something that is easy, but accepted as my normal. Regardless though, I am not sure I will ever harvest a comfort in the solitude…but I will do what I need to do and that is this.
I am proud of myself with my quest in the kitchen the past two days. I have plenty of scrumptious options awaiting for us through out the week. I do think I am going to go with the flow this evening and just allow myself to chill with this mellow, laid back emotion. It has been an overwhelming and very emotional week. I pray that stepping into Monday will bring a better week.
Crossing my fingers…
~Nina~
Cooking is an activity I have always enjoyed. I am pretty mechanical and can follow a recipe with the outcome matching the picture, but I have always wanted to just start grabbing ingredients to bring my own masterpiece alive. As I ventured to the freezer I reached down and picked up a frozen package…instantly my mind started to go wild with the possibilities. I didn’t open a cookbook, I just went on instinct. I wasn’t going for gourmet, but edible and I more than succeeded. As I divided it up for our week I was feeling accomplished as I enjoyed my time just doing something I wanted to do as well as brought a game plan to our suppers. Our weekdays are demanding and the key is to plan ahead.
Other than that, I am at this moment unsure of how I feel. I have this lost haze about my thoughts, with a dash of emptiness. I do pretty good through out the day as I am distracted with diapers, giggles, chores, and more. It is when I turn down the lights, rock them good night, and lay them down for the evening that I become vulnerable. Being alone isn’t something that is easy, but accepted as my normal. Regardless though, I am not sure I will ever harvest a comfort in the solitude…but I will do what I need to do and that is this.
I am proud of myself with my quest in the kitchen the past two days. I have plenty of scrumptious options awaiting for us through out the week. I do think I am going to go with the flow this evening and just allow myself to chill with this mellow, laid back emotion. It has been an overwhelming and very emotional week. I pray that stepping into Monday will bring a better week.
Crossing my fingers…
~Nina~
September 18, 2010
Remember as Why…Will to Continue
Reading my posts from the previous seven entries, the information gathered is that I have had some recent, intense struggle. Three days ago I wrote I might not come back. The last three days I have done plenty of crying, searching, thinking, and more. Each night I sat down at the computer and stared at a blank page only to feel completely lost with the heavy sense of emptiness. I couldn’t decide if I wanted or should quit completely. My raging emotions left me unable to get a few of the people I want so badly to understand, to hear what I was saying, and grasp the understanding of what I am going through as well as why. I hadn’t eaten a majority of the days this last week while the others had little ingested. As I dwindled both physically and emotionally I realized that I can’t quit writing, it has become the vice of surviving this…addressing my emotions while working through them. I need to remember why I started this, why I have done this, and why I will continue this…
The realization that I will get anyone to fully understand what I have gone through and how it affects me day to day is unlikely. Though my efforts everyday of articulating this emotional journey can help bring insight to what I am going through, this is for my purposes…my journal to surviving more than life itself. Writing each day brings light to my most intimate emotions for that day or an experience. As the visualized feelings become vivid you can almost feel them yourself, but remember as anyone walks this earth…what is presented on the outside doesn’t determine the possible pieces laying everywhere within. You have a sneak peek to my insides, which doesn’t reflect the person everyone sees, works with, or walks by each day.
From the beginning I have sought out resources to help me work through all of these ups and downs as well as to bring understanding within. I had no idea what I would be faced with or how there are involuntary responses to the various aspects of recovering. Again I stood before the blackboard trying to piece together a game plan to work through this sudden swing of emotions…my illuminated fear. I have thought about my journey so far and what has brought me success as well as some things I have avoided. I received another book; while I went to my bookshelf to take off the first book I was handed many months ago. I will be working through both these readings to help me become more knowledgeable. My continued efforts will build from how far I have already come.
I was presented challenge today. The specifics are not important, but the great sense of loss and disappointment cultivated a moment of heavy emotion. Facing the reality of losing something that I was proud of and worked hard for had devastated me as I signed along the line. I looked up through the blurry shield of tears falling. The lady touched my hand and said, “Things will get better. You will rise above.” A complete stranger took a moment to help instill faith for me, that is more than valued…she touched my heart. Frozen, I closed my eyes to replay the words she expressed. I bowed my head, took a deep breath, and lifted my chin. Upon the connection of our eyes I returned with a whisper, “Thank you.”
Part of moving forward is forcing yourself…pushing yourself to keep placing one foot in front of the other. Waking up this morning I realized that I have done it before and I need to do it again. The emotions, the extreme range of emotions have once again suppressed my appetite for days. As I became so distracted by this emotional experience and my duties of each day I didn’t feel hungry and forgot to remind myself to eat. This morning I stopped myself and made breakfast a requirement. That first swallow gagged me, the nutrition is necessary as is the psychological power it brings. I maintained my strength and followed through with an entire day of proper nutrition. As I mustered the focus to myself I needed to do more today than just eat. All day I told myself, “If you can eat, you can write.” Here I am, not giving up on the one thing that has brought me so far. As breakfast was a struggle, so has been this entry. So many times I have wanted to close the screen and many times I have gotten up to walk away, but I focused on the bigger picture. The investment, the energy spent will only pay forward ten fold. I am here for me.
Determination an ember…Motivation an accelerant
~Nina~
The realization that I will get anyone to fully understand what I have gone through and how it affects me day to day is unlikely. Though my efforts everyday of articulating this emotional journey can help bring insight to what I am going through, this is for my purposes…my journal to surviving more than life itself. Writing each day brings light to my most intimate emotions for that day or an experience. As the visualized feelings become vivid you can almost feel them yourself, but remember as anyone walks this earth…what is presented on the outside doesn’t determine the possible pieces laying everywhere within. You have a sneak peek to my insides, which doesn’t reflect the person everyone sees, works with, or walks by each day.
From the beginning I have sought out resources to help me work through all of these ups and downs as well as to bring understanding within. I had no idea what I would be faced with or how there are involuntary responses to the various aspects of recovering. Again I stood before the blackboard trying to piece together a game plan to work through this sudden swing of emotions…my illuminated fear. I have thought about my journey so far and what has brought me success as well as some things I have avoided. I received another book; while I went to my bookshelf to take off the first book I was handed many months ago. I will be working through both these readings to help me become more knowledgeable. My continued efforts will build from how far I have already come.
I was presented challenge today. The specifics are not important, but the great sense of loss and disappointment cultivated a moment of heavy emotion. Facing the reality of losing something that I was proud of and worked hard for had devastated me as I signed along the line. I looked up through the blurry shield of tears falling. The lady touched my hand and said, “Things will get better. You will rise above.” A complete stranger took a moment to help instill faith for me, that is more than valued…she touched my heart. Frozen, I closed my eyes to replay the words she expressed. I bowed my head, took a deep breath, and lifted my chin. Upon the connection of our eyes I returned with a whisper, “Thank you.”
Part of moving forward is forcing yourself…pushing yourself to keep placing one foot in front of the other. Waking up this morning I realized that I have done it before and I need to do it again. The emotions, the extreme range of emotions have once again suppressed my appetite for days. As I became so distracted by this emotional experience and my duties of each day I didn’t feel hungry and forgot to remind myself to eat. This morning I stopped myself and made breakfast a requirement. That first swallow gagged me, the nutrition is necessary as is the psychological power it brings. I maintained my strength and followed through with an entire day of proper nutrition. As I mustered the focus to myself I needed to do more today than just eat. All day I told myself, “If you can eat, you can write.” Here I am, not giving up on the one thing that has brought me so far. As breakfast was a struggle, so has been this entry. So many times I have wanted to close the screen and many times I have gotten up to walk away, but I focused on the bigger picture. The investment, the energy spent will only pay forward ten fold. I am here for me.
Determination an ember…Motivation an accelerant
~Nina~
September 15, 2010
Not Tonight
I am not going to be writing to night. I am not sure if I will even write anymore. Today has been more than I need right now. Additional events stacked on top of this vault of already established difficulty from Monday, I just have nothing. I want nothing, I feel lonely and scared, I am truly just lost. I don’t enjoy this and again struggle with not being able to provide understanding to just what it is to go through this and how it affects you. I have this doubt about myself that is worse then before. It has been one of the worse days to date and I feel like I am in a million pieces that don’t fit together.
I found this quote…
“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something” ~Author Unknown~
There is no right or wrong way to heal. There is not the ability to “just fix” this or flip a switch that allows this pain to dissolve without residual reoccurrences. Everyone’s time line and process to heal is different. Understanding may not be accomplished which leads one to protect themselves from the anticipated reactions that are received repeatedly and leaving the option of shutting down or shutting people out a desired option. Support and love is the only thing necessary
Unsure if I will be back…
~Nina~
I found this quote…
“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something” ~Author Unknown~
There is no right or wrong way to heal. There is not the ability to “just fix” this or flip a switch that allows this pain to dissolve without residual reoccurrences. Everyone’s time line and process to heal is different. Understanding may not be accomplished which leads one to protect themselves from the anticipated reactions that are received repeatedly and leaving the option of shutting down or shutting people out a desired option. Support and love is the only thing necessary
Unsure if I will be back…
~Nina~
Pain so Deep…Lonely no Cure
Last night was a night of great sorrow and a pain I never want to experience again. The reality is that I have before felt this pain and I will again some day. There is no getting away from this. I receive a letter that effected me in a way I didn’t think would. A conversation then followed that didn’t get anything much more accomplished then feeling like I had this black hole inside. I was hurt badly and I don’t know how to recover from this, from last night, or from the future that awaits me.
As I read the words and formed the understanding I couldn’t hold anything back. I sobbed uncontrollably. I could breathe and began to feel my stomach churn. Getting close to people is something I just no longer want to do…because the loss of something I worked for, I cherished has sunken into the shadows leaving me feel unsecure. A set of arms that lifted me have now become different. Laying awake most of the night I pleaded for God to just stop, to stop with the weight and the continued loss.
My conversation left me feeling frustrated as someone I want to understand doesn’t. I want to just quit trying to get people to understand. It is a roller coaster for me, I do great for days, weeks, a month…then within a day or two the weight I am presented with caves me. I am told this is normal by the resources I seek, but those then conflicts with the views of others, of the person I talked to last night. What am I? I feel broken and I already feel like a failure…like a huge let down, hearing the words I did last night only added to my solemn heart.
I would like to say I have never cried as hard as I did last night, but I have. I would like to say I have never lain awake so long, but I have. I would like to say this is the only morning I have not wanted to get out of bed, but it isn’t. I would like to say I have never felt this empty, but I have. I feel lost, so lost I am unsure how or if I can be found. Giving up on love, happiness, and healing is honestly at this moment something that feels desirable. I have considered to stop writing, this doesn’t help anyone…this blog. I have considered just falling off the radar and dissolving into the surroundings until I am unnoticed, just another person walking the streets.
Why keep trying…I seek all the appropriate resources and I have all the strength I can find to pull me out of a hole, I start feeling alive and then things change within one day. If for one second you think I am holding on to this, you are wrong. For some damn reason this hold has latched to my wrist and pulls without warning. Maybe I am not strong….maybe I am not what you believe I am. For that, I apologize.
Moving into my day, I am unsure just what is out there waiting for me. Frankly I don’t want to know, but I refuse to have a lurking depression win. I will go to work, I will be a success. My kids will wake up and see the woman I am as I love them more than they know. I will bring brightness to their day. I will continue to utilize the resources I have and just pray…because I am not the person that will give up or quit regardless of how strong that feeling is.
Wondering hour…Day left of live
~Nina~
As I read the words and formed the understanding I couldn’t hold anything back. I sobbed uncontrollably. I could breathe and began to feel my stomach churn. Getting close to people is something I just no longer want to do…because the loss of something I worked for, I cherished has sunken into the shadows leaving me feel unsecure. A set of arms that lifted me have now become different. Laying awake most of the night I pleaded for God to just stop, to stop with the weight and the continued loss.
My conversation left me feeling frustrated as someone I want to understand doesn’t. I want to just quit trying to get people to understand. It is a roller coaster for me, I do great for days, weeks, a month…then within a day or two the weight I am presented with caves me. I am told this is normal by the resources I seek, but those then conflicts with the views of others, of the person I talked to last night. What am I? I feel broken and I already feel like a failure…like a huge let down, hearing the words I did last night only added to my solemn heart.
I would like to say I have never cried as hard as I did last night, but I have. I would like to say I have never lain awake so long, but I have. I would like to say this is the only morning I have not wanted to get out of bed, but it isn’t. I would like to say I have never felt this empty, but I have. I feel lost, so lost I am unsure how or if I can be found. Giving up on love, happiness, and healing is honestly at this moment something that feels desirable. I have considered to stop writing, this doesn’t help anyone…this blog. I have considered just falling off the radar and dissolving into the surroundings until I am unnoticed, just another person walking the streets.
Why keep trying…I seek all the appropriate resources and I have all the strength I can find to pull me out of a hole, I start feeling alive and then things change within one day. If for one second you think I am holding on to this, you are wrong. For some damn reason this hold has latched to my wrist and pulls without warning. Maybe I am not strong….maybe I am not what you believe I am. For that, I apologize.
Moving into my day, I am unsure just what is out there waiting for me. Frankly I don’t want to know, but I refuse to have a lurking depression win. I will go to work, I will be a success. My kids will wake up and see the woman I am as I love them more than they know. I will bring brightness to their day. I will continue to utilize the resources I have and just pray…because I am not the person that will give up or quit regardless of how strong that feeling is.
Wondering hour…Day left of live
~Nina~
September 14, 2010
Dominos do Fall…Another disheartened Day
Most of my day I thought about what to write or how to find just the right words to articulate how I am feeling and here I am…a mess. The complete whirlwind of emotions from yesterday has left myself and many others confused. I have no expectation that anyone will fully understand this struggle, the internal turmoil of learning how to become resilient to a cycle that has consumed them long enough to present this feeling of irreversible damage. I have worried, been scared, felt lost, and more today. How do I reach the ones I need to…how do I better explain?
There is so much going on and the pressure has built over the last few days, even a week. There is the wonder on my having stepped backwards and just how far I have gone. Last night I just wanted the pain to stop. As I look back, 24 hours ago, I have this vision of myself being frozen and everything swirling out of control as I became dizzy. So many emotions whipped by as well as scenarios and faces. Anticipating disappointment and distance from some has been my greatest fear. Is it fair that I continue to feel ashamed and to accept myself as a failure? Maybe it isn’t, though it is how I feel.
I feel like I am going to be forced to package up something that has meant so much to me. Altered, it has become altered. Reassurance of it being a bump and nothing more hasn’t left me assured at all. I can feel it in my bones; yesterday’s events will plant that seed, the starting point of doubt. Being able to read, understand, and feel mannerisms of another has been this gift that haunts me. It doesn’t take much for me to pick up on just how this will go. Just thinking about this dissolving treasure leaves me heartbroken. The emotions trickle down my face as I become even more alone. This will not be an easy adjustment…I pray it isn’t good-bye.
Day by day leaves this uncertainty that can change things within an hour, a minute, even a second. Right now there is a pain that hurts so deep that it brings more than a numb feeling, it has brought a sense of emptiness. I don’t want to reach out to anyone because I don’t want to again explain the river of emotion that pours with the words. I don’t want to meet anyone new because I don’t want to have to shed light to what I have gone through which has brought me to where I am and why I break down. Is my destiny to be alone? Can I be alone? I don’t want to hurt anyone and this chaos I have been forced to deal with has me trying to protect others making the lonely option the most functional.
As I try and focus I have this awful heaviness in my stomach. I feel sick. I am afraid there just are not enough of the right words to help express how I feel. I tried, tonight the listed above has been my best effort. I feel swallowed and empty. God, if you can hear me, I pray that I can sleep tonight, I pray that tomorrow sheds some sort of light to my darkness, and I pray this pain eases.
Please, I am begging…
~Nina~
There is so much going on and the pressure has built over the last few days, even a week. There is the wonder on my having stepped backwards and just how far I have gone. Last night I just wanted the pain to stop. As I look back, 24 hours ago, I have this vision of myself being frozen and everything swirling out of control as I became dizzy. So many emotions whipped by as well as scenarios and faces. Anticipating disappointment and distance from some has been my greatest fear. Is it fair that I continue to feel ashamed and to accept myself as a failure? Maybe it isn’t, though it is how I feel.
I feel like I am going to be forced to package up something that has meant so much to me. Altered, it has become altered. Reassurance of it being a bump and nothing more hasn’t left me assured at all. I can feel it in my bones; yesterday’s events will plant that seed, the starting point of doubt. Being able to read, understand, and feel mannerisms of another has been this gift that haunts me. It doesn’t take much for me to pick up on just how this will go. Just thinking about this dissolving treasure leaves me heartbroken. The emotions trickle down my face as I become even more alone. This will not be an easy adjustment…I pray it isn’t good-bye.
Day by day leaves this uncertainty that can change things within an hour, a minute, even a second. Right now there is a pain that hurts so deep that it brings more than a numb feeling, it has brought a sense of emptiness. I don’t want to reach out to anyone because I don’t want to again explain the river of emotion that pours with the words. I don’t want to meet anyone new because I don’t want to have to shed light to what I have gone through which has brought me to where I am and why I break down. Is my destiny to be alone? Can I be alone? I don’t want to hurt anyone and this chaos I have been forced to deal with has me trying to protect others making the lonely option the most functional.
As I try and focus I have this awful heaviness in my stomach. I feel sick. I am afraid there just are not enough of the right words to help express how I feel. I tried, tonight the listed above has been my best effort. I feel swallowed and empty. God, if you can hear me, I pray that I can sleep tonight, I pray that tomorrow sheds some sort of light to my darkness, and I pray this pain eases.
Please, I am begging…
~Nina~
September 13, 2010
Struggles to Comply…Caved to Response
Waking up this morning was difficult. It was as though my subconscious already knew what my day was going to consist of. I opened my eyes, looked at my alarm clock, and then gazed out the window. Every possible question ran through my mind. Have I made the right choices? How did I get here? Why haven’t I written in two days? Can I grow professionally? Will I be successful at raising my children? Will they value hard work and respect others? Is there something more that I can be doing? Is there something more I should be doing? Will I be ok? As there were so many more questions that raced through my mind, I felt a single tear roll down my left cheek. I knew today was going to be a hurricane of emotion…it was.
After dropping off my little ones at daycare this morning, I looked into the rearview mirror and without notice felt this lump lodge in my throat. I wanted to swallow, but I couldn’t. I was fighting the involuntary welling of tears. As I drove to work I was able to mull through the unsuspected emotion and shift my focus to something different.
Going about my day was a distraction, but there lingered that urge to just sit down and cry. Why? Where does this come from? The confusion just swirls around me until I take the time to just confront it. Today I didn’t want to, I just wanted to be left alone.
Having an appointment this afternoon left me feeling a little uneasy as I wasn’t sure how it would go. I had so many questions and just really want to figure the remaining pieces so the process can move forward. As I sat down a list was handed across the table. With each line I read, the room became more hazed. I couldn’t breathe and I could feel the anxiety rise as it took over my body. My heart was racing as this was a piece to explain his frame of mind right now. Shear confusion rushed, I wondered how…why? Instantly I felt this need to curl up, to give in. My ring flashed in the forefront of my mind. All his interpreted rules of his behavior weighed on me like that of a ton of bricks. I could see the people around me talking, but I couldn’t fully take anything in or understand.
I walked out of the building and felt dizzy as the world whipped by. Someone walked me to my car and I was a shell, looking forward, I struggled to just isolate myself from everyone. It is safer for me if I just abide by his invisible hold…if I just cave to the control. Getting into my vehicle I was overwhelmed with sickness. The nausea was captivating and my body shook. Putting the vehicle in drive opened the flood gate. Emotion fell from my eyes, soaking my soul. I needed a few minutes to compose myself, I couldn’t pick my children up with this train-wreck appearance.
Pulling into the parking lot, I had arrived to a place that has become a home away from home. This is where the journey began; this is where the knowledge was presented…where the support began. I didn’t make it far before I ran into the bathroom. Hunched over I heaved so violently that my eyes hurt. Leaning back I flushed only to feel defeated. Crumbled there on the floor I sobbed…I am unsure what to do anymore. Pulling myself together I stood with a timid posture. Finally I made it to my office and as I sat down, yet again another river flowed from my eyes. I pulled at my shirt, I couldn’t breathe. At that time of the day there is no one around and I just felt safe enough to let things go. After a few minutes I had the urgency to go pick up my blessed trio. I needed them; I needed their smiles…their innocence.
Making it home I started with our routine. I maintain composure while in front of my children, I do not want this robbing them of their childhood…I do not want them to worry or be encased with sadness. They need to laugh, play, and live life through a child’s eyes…they do not need to be swarmed with the adult world or adult concepts. Though feeling uneasy inside, I suppressed my emotional needs until they all went to bed. Tucking each of them in I whispered, “I love you. Sweet dreams.” Walking down the stairs I halted at the landing. The silent stream flowed and I at that moment caved.
I paced the house. I was fighting the urge…the need. I pulled my wedding ring out and stared at it. Shaking my head I set it down. I can’t do this, I cannot let him win. Again, the list I was presented with flashed in front of my face, the conversation replayed through my mind. The overwhelming reality of what truly is going through his mind and gaining some insight to his state all became too much. I couldn’t breathe, my head pounded, and I began to shake. Stepping forward I gave in, I put my ring on.
Instantly there was a sense of relief. I cannot describe to anyone how hard it is to maintain strength, to stand my ground. Understanding why women go back…I know why they do, why I would. It is having the ability of knowing where he is, being able to read his behavior, and deciphering his mood. Getting through my days was being able to adjust to his state of mind at that moment. Not knowing, left wondering, having no ability to trust I am left to have no game plan. I am left waiting for him to become unhappy with me, to burn me with his eyes of fury. I wasn’t allowed to stand up to him, to be intolerant of his treatment towards me. When I did I was told that, “I will not meet you to get the kids. The kids only come here if you come here. If you don’t then you can explain to their Grandparents why they didn’t get to see them on Thanksgiving.” Knowing just how I would be treated I didn’t want to, but did on the behalf of my children and their Grandparents as I didn’t want to take time, to take memories from them. If I didn’t control my emotions and had a break down I was scolded and ‘thanked’ for “embarrassing him in front of his family.” Being obedient has allowed me to survive…it kept an escalation at bay. Having this sense of obedience to him has allowed me to once again calm and hope for the avoidance of intensification to his underlying thrive for control.
Avoiding, yes I have avoided people tonight. I didn’t open my blinds, I didn’t respond to messages. As I write this next section the reference ‘you’ is for my audience. I will talk to you each as if it was one on one…
The anticipated disappointment from you is too much for me. I feel ashamed that I broke down and gave in. I feel as though I have let you down. Are you? Do you feel disappointed as you visualize my left hand again decorated with that of my ring? I don’t know how to bring an understanding, I just hope to give you enough that you will try to understand. I don’t even know what I expect other than you looking down upon my fold. It isn’t as easy as just deciding, “Don’t care. Just don’t let it bother you.” Please know that I try everyday and I will keep trying. I am doing the best that I can. I don’t want you to be mad, I don’t want you to leave. Do you know what if feels like to feel so damaged that even if someone did fall in love with me, they wouldn’t stay? He will take that from me too. I know that my choices have been correct and my children deserve to lead a life free from the chaos of domestic abuse. Just the experience of witnessing myself as a target is as damaging as being a target. I do what I do everyday for them. That is why I maintain the safety clause and rest assured I won’t revert entirely. Please, I just need this for a moment…please, keep believing in me.
…I apologize, but know I will keep trying.
As a victim…as a person of surrender, he truly had the control. I didn’t want to disappoint him, to upset him, to hear him yell. I had lost my ability to stand up for myself and I still struggle with that yet today. I pray it doesn’t cost me my entire life. I pray I can get through this with the strength I have conditioned for. I pray to feel whole again.
Emotional surrender…For a moment of calm
~Nina~
After dropping off my little ones at daycare this morning, I looked into the rearview mirror and without notice felt this lump lodge in my throat. I wanted to swallow, but I couldn’t. I was fighting the involuntary welling of tears. As I drove to work I was able to mull through the unsuspected emotion and shift my focus to something different.
Going about my day was a distraction, but there lingered that urge to just sit down and cry. Why? Where does this come from? The confusion just swirls around me until I take the time to just confront it. Today I didn’t want to, I just wanted to be left alone.
Having an appointment this afternoon left me feeling a little uneasy as I wasn’t sure how it would go. I had so many questions and just really want to figure the remaining pieces so the process can move forward. As I sat down a list was handed across the table. With each line I read, the room became more hazed. I couldn’t breathe and I could feel the anxiety rise as it took over my body. My heart was racing as this was a piece to explain his frame of mind right now. Shear confusion rushed, I wondered how…why? Instantly I felt this need to curl up, to give in. My ring flashed in the forefront of my mind. All his interpreted rules of his behavior weighed on me like that of a ton of bricks. I could see the people around me talking, but I couldn’t fully take anything in or understand.
I walked out of the building and felt dizzy as the world whipped by. Someone walked me to my car and I was a shell, looking forward, I struggled to just isolate myself from everyone. It is safer for me if I just abide by his invisible hold…if I just cave to the control. Getting into my vehicle I was overwhelmed with sickness. The nausea was captivating and my body shook. Putting the vehicle in drive opened the flood gate. Emotion fell from my eyes, soaking my soul. I needed a few minutes to compose myself, I couldn’t pick my children up with this train-wreck appearance.
Pulling into the parking lot, I had arrived to a place that has become a home away from home. This is where the journey began; this is where the knowledge was presented…where the support began. I didn’t make it far before I ran into the bathroom. Hunched over I heaved so violently that my eyes hurt. Leaning back I flushed only to feel defeated. Crumbled there on the floor I sobbed…I am unsure what to do anymore. Pulling myself together I stood with a timid posture. Finally I made it to my office and as I sat down, yet again another river flowed from my eyes. I pulled at my shirt, I couldn’t breathe. At that time of the day there is no one around and I just felt safe enough to let things go. After a few minutes I had the urgency to go pick up my blessed trio. I needed them; I needed their smiles…their innocence.
Making it home I started with our routine. I maintain composure while in front of my children, I do not want this robbing them of their childhood…I do not want them to worry or be encased with sadness. They need to laugh, play, and live life through a child’s eyes…they do not need to be swarmed with the adult world or adult concepts. Though feeling uneasy inside, I suppressed my emotional needs until they all went to bed. Tucking each of them in I whispered, “I love you. Sweet dreams.” Walking down the stairs I halted at the landing. The silent stream flowed and I at that moment caved.
I paced the house. I was fighting the urge…the need. I pulled my wedding ring out and stared at it. Shaking my head I set it down. I can’t do this, I cannot let him win. Again, the list I was presented with flashed in front of my face, the conversation replayed through my mind. The overwhelming reality of what truly is going through his mind and gaining some insight to his state all became too much. I couldn’t breathe, my head pounded, and I began to shake. Stepping forward I gave in, I put my ring on.
Instantly there was a sense of relief. I cannot describe to anyone how hard it is to maintain strength, to stand my ground. Understanding why women go back…I know why they do, why I would. It is having the ability of knowing where he is, being able to read his behavior, and deciphering his mood. Getting through my days was being able to adjust to his state of mind at that moment. Not knowing, left wondering, having no ability to trust I am left to have no game plan. I am left waiting for him to become unhappy with me, to burn me with his eyes of fury. I wasn’t allowed to stand up to him, to be intolerant of his treatment towards me. When I did I was told that, “I will not meet you to get the kids. The kids only come here if you come here. If you don’t then you can explain to their Grandparents why they didn’t get to see them on Thanksgiving.” Knowing just how I would be treated I didn’t want to, but did on the behalf of my children and their Grandparents as I didn’t want to take time, to take memories from them. If I didn’t control my emotions and had a break down I was scolded and ‘thanked’ for “embarrassing him in front of his family.” Being obedient has allowed me to survive…it kept an escalation at bay. Having this sense of obedience to him has allowed me to once again calm and hope for the avoidance of intensification to his underlying thrive for control.
Avoiding, yes I have avoided people tonight. I didn’t open my blinds, I didn’t respond to messages. As I write this next section the reference ‘you’ is for my audience. I will talk to you each as if it was one on one…
The anticipated disappointment from you is too much for me. I feel ashamed that I broke down and gave in. I feel as though I have let you down. Are you? Do you feel disappointed as you visualize my left hand again decorated with that of my ring? I don’t know how to bring an understanding, I just hope to give you enough that you will try to understand. I don’t even know what I expect other than you looking down upon my fold. It isn’t as easy as just deciding, “Don’t care. Just don’t let it bother you.” Please know that I try everyday and I will keep trying. I am doing the best that I can. I don’t want you to be mad, I don’t want you to leave. Do you know what if feels like to feel so damaged that even if someone did fall in love with me, they wouldn’t stay? He will take that from me too. I know that my choices have been correct and my children deserve to lead a life free from the chaos of domestic abuse. Just the experience of witnessing myself as a target is as damaging as being a target. I do what I do everyday for them. That is why I maintain the safety clause and rest assured I won’t revert entirely. Please, I just need this for a moment…please, keep believing in me.
…I apologize, but know I will keep trying.
As a victim…as a person of surrender, he truly had the control. I didn’t want to disappoint him, to upset him, to hear him yell. I had lost my ability to stand up for myself and I still struggle with that yet today. I pray it doesn’t cost me my entire life. I pray I can get through this with the strength I have conditioned for. I pray to feel whole again.
Emotional surrender…For a moment of calm
~Nina~
September 10, 2010
Layers will Capture the Detail
Earlier this afternoon I was greeted with another wave of overwhelming emotions. I haven’t been feeling all that great and I didn’t write last night due to physical illness. After receiving another persistent phone call today, I just couldn’t take it anymore. He got what he wanted when he told my lawyer that he was going to make my life miserable. I am swarmed by the creditors on the vehicle he blatantly stopped paying on regardless of his agreement and a court order because he wanted to hurt me. Everyday since I have suffered and more giving him the victory he searched for.
Beyond frustrated I sat down to put some feelings on paper. Then the tears began to stream down my face. I just want to give up. I keep wondering if I have it in me to stick this out without surrender. I feel like a prisoner. Everything…he has just about buried me in every area he can. As the water creeps I struggle to move as the current is strong, then it comes to my jaw line and I fear I will drown. At what point does everything just settle for good. When is this over?
Poetry is a way to express myself. When I sat down the lyrics poured out of my heart and down my face…
It's never enough, it doesn’t quit
Frustrated and sad, only to cry
Being chased daily, no rest to sit
Domino effect, my question why
His reason low, hurtful indeed
A claim of misery, I bring to him
In his mind, his right to plant seed
Misery to me, honestly he does win
Never my behavior, intentions of hurt
Only I loved him, devoted my soul
Pieces taken, with his over assert
Now this moment, empty I with this hole
After writing the verses I just had a surge of mixed emotions. I was frustrated! Never once did I act in a manor to deliberately hurt him. Working hard for everything I have, I brought what I could to the table…to this family, to the marriage. I have been forced into a loss of a foundation I had been building since I was 16 years old. I have been taken to the knees and held down consistently on many emotional levels. Now as I try to stand there is yet another pressing issue or emotions resisting my endeavors. I gave him everything I had!!! Sure, say it like others have, “It won’t be like this forever. You can start over and recover from this.” Well damnit! I have been trying to start over, get a fresh start to life and pull recovery to the many damaged areas of my life…of my person. I have been trying for 9 months, I keep plugging away and putting pieces together only to find them frame this void in the puzzle without riddle for me to locate the missing pieces. Without notice I am kicked in the stomach by the lurking emotions of great weight bringing this roller coaster ride that I no longer want to be on.
Through the night time routine I just brought focus to my sweet children and their needs from me at that moment. The distraction worked, but was temporary as when they closed their eyes I was left alone with this feeling like I was going to explode. My heart raced, my mind a blur. Again, I found myself fighting a river of emotion as my cheeks became wet. Searching for something to ease the pain, the pressing frustration I pulled out the drawer that is home to my painting supplies. After gathering everything I needed, I put a couple pieces out for me to paint.
As I dipped my brush into the paint I could feel my breathing become less labored. Instantly as I guided that first brushstroke along the base of the piece I was starting I could feel my body relax. Soothing, painting has always brought a calming effect to my body, mind, and soul. As I place the base coat I begin to visualize the finished product. I then play with colors within my imagination to determine just how I can go from the base coat of sheer black, to something with life. With each final piece I have painted, I pose expression…I bring a dull sculpture of ceramic to life through various techniques and layers of color. I capture the detail that can’t be seen when you look at the blank slate.
Feeling my entire being relax, I was staring there at my hands working on something that was bigger than the piece I was painting. Life is the process of evolution, the layering of many colors as well as the use of the vast techniques of application. It is a natural approach to everything I do. I can see the final product, vision, or hopes for structure and then I develop my plan or layout. This way of looking at the bigger picture in the future is the way I navigate through the present.
Halting for a moment I realized, I too am a piece of art. I am this blank slate just waiting for the array of colors and brushstrokes to flow my expression…my essence. Each day I can paint my way to where I want to go, to who I want to be. I just have to visualize within my heart and hold onto that picture of peace. The beauty of painting is that it evolves along the way coming together with new techniques, changed tint schemes, but always do present with the breathtaking arrangements of colors that melt into that final display.
This may be a roller coaster and I appear to repeatedly miss the exit as my seatbelt constantly malfunctions, but if I am going to be forced into this ride then I need to find a way to gather my focus and lose that lurched feeling as I plummet into difficult days. I will paint…I will close my eyes and bring the brush to a new color, a brighter hue. I will glide the shade across my heart and allow the new color to cover this day, this darkness. I will again peek at that final vision, the inspiring shades of a warming sunset as I move forward with my canvas.
Palette of many...Endless color schemes
~Nina~
Beyond frustrated I sat down to put some feelings on paper. Then the tears began to stream down my face. I just want to give up. I keep wondering if I have it in me to stick this out without surrender. I feel like a prisoner. Everything…he has just about buried me in every area he can. As the water creeps I struggle to move as the current is strong, then it comes to my jaw line and I fear I will drown. At what point does everything just settle for good. When is this over?
Poetry is a way to express myself. When I sat down the lyrics poured out of my heart and down my face…
It's never enough, it doesn’t quit
Frustrated and sad, only to cry
Being chased daily, no rest to sit
Domino effect, my question why
His reason low, hurtful indeed
A claim of misery, I bring to him
In his mind, his right to plant seed
Misery to me, honestly he does win
Never my behavior, intentions of hurt
Only I loved him, devoted my soul
Pieces taken, with his over assert
Now this moment, empty I with this hole
After writing the verses I just had a surge of mixed emotions. I was frustrated! Never once did I act in a manor to deliberately hurt him. Working hard for everything I have, I brought what I could to the table…to this family, to the marriage. I have been forced into a loss of a foundation I had been building since I was 16 years old. I have been taken to the knees and held down consistently on many emotional levels. Now as I try to stand there is yet another pressing issue or emotions resisting my endeavors. I gave him everything I had!!! Sure, say it like others have, “It won’t be like this forever. You can start over and recover from this.” Well damnit! I have been trying to start over, get a fresh start to life and pull recovery to the many damaged areas of my life…of my person. I have been trying for 9 months, I keep plugging away and putting pieces together only to find them frame this void in the puzzle without riddle for me to locate the missing pieces. Without notice I am kicked in the stomach by the lurking emotions of great weight bringing this roller coaster ride that I no longer want to be on.
Through the night time routine I just brought focus to my sweet children and their needs from me at that moment. The distraction worked, but was temporary as when they closed their eyes I was left alone with this feeling like I was going to explode. My heart raced, my mind a blur. Again, I found myself fighting a river of emotion as my cheeks became wet. Searching for something to ease the pain, the pressing frustration I pulled out the drawer that is home to my painting supplies. After gathering everything I needed, I put a couple pieces out for me to paint.
As I dipped my brush into the paint I could feel my breathing become less labored. Instantly as I guided that first brushstroke along the base of the piece I was starting I could feel my body relax. Soothing, painting has always brought a calming effect to my body, mind, and soul. As I place the base coat I begin to visualize the finished product. I then play with colors within my imagination to determine just how I can go from the base coat of sheer black, to something with life. With each final piece I have painted, I pose expression…I bring a dull sculpture of ceramic to life through various techniques and layers of color. I capture the detail that can’t be seen when you look at the blank slate.
Feeling my entire being relax, I was staring there at my hands working on something that was bigger than the piece I was painting. Life is the process of evolution, the layering of many colors as well as the use of the vast techniques of application. It is a natural approach to everything I do. I can see the final product, vision, or hopes for structure and then I develop my plan or layout. This way of looking at the bigger picture in the future is the way I navigate through the present.
Halting for a moment I realized, I too am a piece of art. I am this blank slate just waiting for the array of colors and brushstrokes to flow my expression…my essence. Each day I can paint my way to where I want to go, to who I want to be. I just have to visualize within my heart and hold onto that picture of peace. The beauty of painting is that it evolves along the way coming together with new techniques, changed tint schemes, but always do present with the breathtaking arrangements of colors that melt into that final display.
This may be a roller coaster and I appear to repeatedly miss the exit as my seatbelt constantly malfunctions, but if I am going to be forced into this ride then I need to find a way to gather my focus and lose that lurched feeling as I plummet into difficult days. I will paint…I will close my eyes and bring the brush to a new color, a brighter hue. I will glide the shade across my heart and allow the new color to cover this day, this darkness. I will again peek at that final vision, the inspiring shades of a warming sunset as I move forward with my canvas.
Palette of many...Endless color schemes
~Nina~
September 8, 2010
Tough Start…Strong Finish
With a day as difficult as I had yesterday there has been many checking in with me today just to ask, “How are you today?” The surrounding support is more than I could ever ask for. The genuine concern gives me the hope I need to prevail…to maintain focus on the growth I have achieved. The belief that has been expressed in me goes beyond encouragement. I am loved…I am loved for who I am.
The events of my day…how do I express just what my day has brought to me. How about I begin with the first text message of the day…it was 7:28 a.m. “Good morning! How did u sleep?” This person has been a huge presenting security with vast support and availability to me. I appreciate this person more than they know. My morning started early with a meeting and as I got this message later in the morning I had already experience emotions that I didn’t expect to be faced with.
My update…
I want to express a thank you to the individual for checking in with me this morning. As far as sleep, when I went to bed there was this jolt of panic. I couldn’t breathe as my heart had lodged in my throat and I felt like I was going to explode. It has been so long since I have had that sort of anxiety about closing my eyes and becoming vulnerable to my unconscious. A few days before his release I woke up to nightmares, but the fear of going to sleep hasn’t been an issue for quite some time. I honestly made it to a place where I felt I have done the right thing, I have maintained the appropriate strength, and developed a functional life for the kids and me. The ability to verbalize that this wasn’t my fault was an achievement, a moment of pride.
When this person left last night, even before they came…I had started to grasp myself. Between the ability to speak to someone earlier, the distraction of my busy routine at home, and the comfort of their presence, I started to settle. Having them there, just to work through happy memories or express my struggle to again become obedient to him…I needed that and I want to thank them!
A few weeks ago there was an email that came across the entire department from our administrator. It was asking if there was anyone that would be interested in being a representative for our department. Instantly I saw the doorbell that I ring when go seek my support network. As I look up the sign is there on the wall… United Way …I know the importance of funding to something that has brought this opportunity to live, to survive, and without hesitation I responded to our administrator’s email with the response that I would love to. If there is something I can do to give back to something that has given to me, then I will do what I can in my power to do just that.
Today was our first meeting and I was feeling empowered as giving back is very important to me. Since the day I had signed up to volunteer for this project I had the desire to present to people a token of my experience and what it is to have opportunities presented, to foster the reality that overcoming this is possible. The services and programs that have assisted my children and I have been amazing and I just want to pay forward as this is my reason for being apart of the United Way team….to give back to something that has given to me.
As the meeting progressed I had my ideas in the back of my mind while a video was played. The presenting scene was of two people expressing the growing need and underestimated demand within our community has for families in times of difficulty. Then there were some small blocks on the following screen that had logos or programs that have benefited from the funds raised. Then another set popped up and there it was, a block with the logo, a logo on a business card I have hiding in my office. The organization that brought support to our community, to me and my situation, it was there on the screen. As my efforts became validated the block I was staring at began to swell and took up the entire screen. As the white background dissolved I was staring at a person I work closely with, I heard the voice of encouragement that often speaks to me in times of struggle. The flood of emotions became uncontrollable. The reality of my situation, my whirlwind of emotions, my journey all brought difficulty to breathe. After the video clip my mind became a haze…the only racing thought I had was, “I can do this, I can give back to a program of hope so others too can move forward with a healthy life.” Walking out of the room I took a deep breath and held my chin up…I will give great efforts to this.
I don’t have lots to offer, but this entire experience has fueled my aspiration to give a voice to other women and children, to give back to those who have been there for my children and me. There is nothing more warming then arms surrounding you when you feel so alone. Despite my fear and discomfort with needles I began to and now religiously donate blood. Tomorrow will mark my third donation to the Blood Center since entering this journey of recovery. I donate other items instead of throwing them out, I volunteer, I make sure the kids pick up at daycare before leaving, we reach out to those when we can….all I have to offer is the labor of my hands and the passion of my heart. Someday I hope to be more; I hope to carry a position to meet with women, to hold their hands, to come to their home when they need someone….I hope to be affiliated with the local agency that I have been involved with or a similar organization. I hope to share endorsements emotionally through public speaking and financially from the future success I may have. I hope to make a difference!
Yesterday I didn’t feel like I was stronger than I had been in the beginning, I didn’t feel like I was in a better place and it is hard to grasp the reality that I truly am when the raw emotions of that moment, that hour pull with discouragement. My gauge to my efforts within is the recovery time…I indeed had an emotional morning, but I had been able to pull myself together within an hour. I now at this second feel calm…empowered. I recognize that the probability of my breaking down and crying or being scared within the day or tomorrow will happen again, but I am not letting that take this moment…I can have this moment, this minute, this hour…I don’t have to let it consume me as I can control that. Deep breaths…they don’t feel as painful anymore, they feel encouraging.
Again, I want to thank everyone…I appreciate each of you more than you will ever know!
~Nina~
The events of my day…how do I express just what my day has brought to me. How about I begin with the first text message of the day…it was 7:28 a.m. “Good morning! How did u sleep?” This person has been a huge presenting security with vast support and availability to me. I appreciate this person more than they know. My morning started early with a meeting and as I got this message later in the morning I had already experience emotions that I didn’t expect to be faced with.
My update…
I want to express a thank you to the individual for checking in with me this morning. As far as sleep, when I went to bed there was this jolt of panic. I couldn’t breathe as my heart had lodged in my throat and I felt like I was going to explode. It has been so long since I have had that sort of anxiety about closing my eyes and becoming vulnerable to my unconscious. A few days before his release I woke up to nightmares, but the fear of going to sleep hasn’t been an issue for quite some time. I honestly made it to a place where I felt I have done the right thing, I have maintained the appropriate strength, and developed a functional life for the kids and me. The ability to verbalize that this wasn’t my fault was an achievement, a moment of pride.
When this person left last night, even before they came…I had started to grasp myself. Between the ability to speak to someone earlier, the distraction of my busy routine at home, and the comfort of their presence, I started to settle. Having them there, just to work through happy memories or express my struggle to again become obedient to him…I needed that and I want to thank them!
A few weeks ago there was an email that came across the entire department from our administrator. It was asking if there was anyone that would be interested in being a representative for our department. Instantly I saw the doorbell that I ring when go seek my support network. As I look up the sign is there on the wall… United Way …I know the importance of funding to something that has brought this opportunity to live, to survive, and without hesitation I responded to our administrator’s email with the response that I would love to. If there is something I can do to give back to something that has given to me, then I will do what I can in my power to do just that.
Today was our first meeting and I was feeling empowered as giving back is very important to me. Since the day I had signed up to volunteer for this project I had the desire to present to people a token of my experience and what it is to have opportunities presented, to foster the reality that overcoming this is possible. The services and programs that have assisted my children and I have been amazing and I just want to pay forward as this is my reason for being apart of the United Way team….to give back to something that has given to me.
As the meeting progressed I had my ideas in the back of my mind while a video was played. The presenting scene was of two people expressing the growing need and underestimated demand within our community has for families in times of difficulty. Then there were some small blocks on the following screen that had logos or programs that have benefited from the funds raised. Then another set popped up and there it was, a block with the logo, a logo on a business card I have hiding in my office. The organization that brought support to our community, to me and my situation, it was there on the screen. As my efforts became validated the block I was staring at began to swell and took up the entire screen. As the white background dissolved I was staring at a person I work closely with, I heard the voice of encouragement that often speaks to me in times of struggle. The flood of emotions became uncontrollable. The reality of my situation, my whirlwind of emotions, my journey all brought difficulty to breathe. After the video clip my mind became a haze…the only racing thought I had was, “I can do this, I can give back to a program of hope so others too can move forward with a healthy life.” Walking out of the room I took a deep breath and held my chin up…I will give great efforts to this.
I don’t have lots to offer, but this entire experience has fueled my aspiration to give a voice to other women and children, to give back to those who have been there for my children and me. There is nothing more warming then arms surrounding you when you feel so alone. Despite my fear and discomfort with needles I began to and now religiously donate blood. Tomorrow will mark my third donation to the Blood Center since entering this journey of recovery. I donate other items instead of throwing them out, I volunteer, I make sure the kids pick up at daycare before leaving, we reach out to those when we can….all I have to offer is the labor of my hands and the passion of my heart. Someday I hope to be more; I hope to carry a position to meet with women, to hold their hands, to come to their home when they need someone….I hope to be affiliated with the local agency that I have been involved with or a similar organization. I hope to share endorsements emotionally through public speaking and financially from the future success I may have. I hope to make a difference!
Yesterday I didn’t feel like I was stronger than I had been in the beginning, I didn’t feel like I was in a better place and it is hard to grasp the reality that I truly am when the raw emotions of that moment, that hour pull with discouragement. My gauge to my efforts within is the recovery time…I indeed had an emotional morning, but I had been able to pull myself together within an hour. I now at this second feel calm…empowered. I recognize that the probability of my breaking down and crying or being scared within the day or tomorrow will happen again, but I am not letting that take this moment…I can have this moment, this minute, this hour…I don’t have to let it consume me as I can control that. Deep breaths…they don’t feel as painful anymore, they feel encouraging.
Again, I want to thank everyone…I appreciate each of you more than you will ever know!
~Nina~
September 7, 2010
Emotional Turmoil…Paralyzed Soul
Though yesterday was his release day, I wasn’t really affected by it until today. As I unlocked my door and stepped outside this morning I was swarmed by this overwhelming sense of nausea. Yesterday I stayed inside, avoided the reality of what I would be faced with…but today I had to face it. With new restrictions to the court order I feel on edge as he always tries to push the boundaries. I constantly looked over my shoulder, fearing he would be there ready to express his anger. I was doing so well, feeling like the power of his control was gone, and I was able to breath…today I was faced with a whole new whirlwind of emotion.
I pulled out of my driveway and headed off to work. My heart was racing and with the feeling of needing to vomit I realized that I had forgotten my badge for work. My mind already was pacing and causing distraction. When I unlocked the door I walked in, put my badge around my neck, and froze. At that very moment I felt I should place my wedding ring on, make immediate arrangements for him to know my sorrow, and make up to him…I felt I needed to be obedient to him as in his eyes I crossed him dearly. I felt like I was to take what he had for me. I felt swallowed by his control, my fear.
Where does this come from? I have felt strong these days…in control of my own world. I have been proud. It hasn’t hurt to breath, I have felt safe. With the simple knowledge of his ability to roam, I have no piece of mind to his frame of mind, whereabouts, or his intentions. Every vehicle that passed me left me gazing at the driver in wonder. Each unknown face resembled his. There came a point in my day where I couldn’t breath, I wanted…I needed answers.
Nothing is more captivating then the fear I had once again today. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to hide, to just let him win. I didn’t open my blinds this afternoon when I got home. I again have become a prisoner to mere safety of my own walls. After tucking my sweet children in I was faced with solitude. In attempt to resist my tears I ran on the treadmill. As I looked forward I could see his face, I would turn up the speed with effort to break free from this invisible hold. I ran so hard that I found myself hunched over the toilet. Heaving this despair I am left to feel defeated.
I pray that I can rest tonight. I pray that with time there will be no reason for me to further fear him or his behavior anymore. All I want is to be able breath, smile, open my blinds, play outside, and not wonder if today will be the day he wants to be angry. I pray he can find peace within and too live a healthy life. I just want a balance…I just want to live.
Invisible hold…Reappearing fear
~Nina~
I pulled out of my driveway and headed off to work. My heart was racing and with the feeling of needing to vomit I realized that I had forgotten my badge for work. My mind already was pacing and causing distraction. When I unlocked the door I walked in, put my badge around my neck, and froze. At that very moment I felt I should place my wedding ring on, make immediate arrangements for him to know my sorrow, and make up to him…I felt I needed to be obedient to him as in his eyes I crossed him dearly. I felt like I was to take what he had for me. I felt swallowed by his control, my fear.
Where does this come from? I have felt strong these days…in control of my own world. I have been proud. It hasn’t hurt to breath, I have felt safe. With the simple knowledge of his ability to roam, I have no piece of mind to his frame of mind, whereabouts, or his intentions. Every vehicle that passed me left me gazing at the driver in wonder. Each unknown face resembled his. There came a point in my day where I couldn’t breath, I wanted…I needed answers.
Nothing is more captivating then the fear I had once again today. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to hide, to just let him win. I didn’t open my blinds this afternoon when I got home. I again have become a prisoner to mere safety of my own walls. After tucking my sweet children in I was faced with solitude. In attempt to resist my tears I ran on the treadmill. As I looked forward I could see his face, I would turn up the speed with effort to break free from this invisible hold. I ran so hard that I found myself hunched over the toilet. Heaving this despair I am left to feel defeated.
I pray that I can rest tonight. I pray that with time there will be no reason for me to further fear him or his behavior anymore. All I want is to be able breath, smile, open my blinds, play outside, and not wonder if today will be the day he wants to be angry. I pray he can find peace within and too live a healthy life. I just want a balance…I just want to live.
Invisible hold…Reappearing fear
~Nina~
September 6, 2010
Timid Release…Praying Hope
The time has come and the man I have separated from, the man that is legally my husband was released today. How do I feel? I am not sure. Numbness has kept me calm. Distraction has been my greatest tool. I stayed home as today is the holiday and remained within the house. I also enjoyed some company which brought relief to the lonely and uneasy feeling. Before I knew it the day was over and here I am reflecting on something I have attempted to avoid all day.
Is it possible to evade something enough that it just doesn’t seem real? Of course, I use to do that when I lived with the abuse. I dodged the reality of his behavior for what it was because I was too ashamed to swallow my role as a victim. I thought I was smarter than that to be sucked into a vicious cycle…to surrender all control to another person as he violated my life on many levels. I found ways to take responsibility for his actions towards me, I believed him as I was sentenced to fault. If I changed and became what he wanted then he would change right? No, the two and a half years I have been around this I am left with the harsh reality that it doesn’t change and the only thing I have is hope to evolve with this process of surviving from it all.
As I remember that coping mechanism of prevaricating while living with it as well as when I initially left I am faced with the conclusion that I again have surfaced that ability to numb my essence and totally avoid the reality of today. I just think that I should be waking from a dream where this all has been nothing but a long and drawn out nightmare.
The fact is…this is not an illusion or a bad dream. All I am left to do is take a deep breath and hope…
What I hope for, what I pray for presses the weight through my mind right now. I hope things become uneventful. I hope there is no attempt at contact or violation to the order. I hope things can be set up with visitation in a timely manner. I pray that he has found something inside that will present him with life changing mannerisms. I hope he wakes with out anger and falls asleep with efforts to strive for a quality of better health. I pray I can remain energized and free of extreme emotion as I have come to a place I never thought I would have…tranquility. Most importantly I hope the fear maintains at bay.
Please may the seed of strength flourished deep roots…
~Nina~
Is it possible to evade something enough that it just doesn’t seem real? Of course, I use to do that when I lived with the abuse. I dodged the reality of his behavior for what it was because I was too ashamed to swallow my role as a victim. I thought I was smarter than that to be sucked into a vicious cycle…to surrender all control to another person as he violated my life on many levels. I found ways to take responsibility for his actions towards me, I believed him as I was sentenced to fault. If I changed and became what he wanted then he would change right? No, the two and a half years I have been around this I am left with the harsh reality that it doesn’t change and the only thing I have is hope to evolve with this process of surviving from it all.
As I remember that coping mechanism of prevaricating while living with it as well as when I initially left I am faced with the conclusion that I again have surfaced that ability to numb my essence and totally avoid the reality of today. I just think that I should be waking from a dream where this all has been nothing but a long and drawn out nightmare.
The fact is…this is not an illusion or a bad dream. All I am left to do is take a deep breath and hope…
What I hope for, what I pray for presses the weight through my mind right now. I hope things become uneventful. I hope there is no attempt at contact or violation to the order. I hope things can be set up with visitation in a timely manner. I pray that he has found something inside that will present him with life changing mannerisms. I hope he wakes with out anger and falls asleep with efforts to strive for a quality of better health. I pray I can remain energized and free of extreme emotion as I have come to a place I never thought I would have…tranquility. Most importantly I hope the fear maintains at bay.
Please may the seed of strength flourished deep roots…
~Nina~
September 5, 2010
Emotions will Cascade…Heart does Flood
A day I have waited for this moment for months, well today was my day. I anxiously ventured through each day and woke up today with my heart racing. The reality of today being emotional was understood, but the actual level of emotion choked me. There was a void that burned and today brought a waterfall of emotion…feelings that validate the love I have.
Driving home the bridge caved. My heart broke and the emotion poured from my heart. Sadness yet appreciation soaked my cheeks. Wiping the moisture only brought hope to my essence. I pray for another day like today.
I cannot express the exact events of my day…but they mean more to me then words can explain. Tonight I can rest my head with the peace I gained from a long awaited embrace. The vision of a smile of purity may trickle this lingered emotion, but tomorrow will be a new day…a day of strength.
Day never forgotten…Necessary time
~Nina~
Driving home the bridge caved. My heart broke and the emotion poured from my heart. Sadness yet appreciation soaked my cheeks. Wiping the moisture only brought hope to my essence. I pray for another day like today.
I cannot express the exact events of my day…but they mean more to me then words can explain. Tonight I can rest my head with the peace I gained from a long awaited embrace. The vision of a smile of purity may trickle this lingered emotion, but tomorrow will be a new day…a day of strength.
Day never forgotten…Necessary time
~Nina~
September 4, 2010
New Challenges…New Skills Earned
Last night I didn’t make it to the computer as I had fallen asleep next to my sweet daughter while snuggling with her. Waking up around midnight, I tucked her in and ventured downstairs. I stood before the mirror in the bathroom and realized that the serenity I was embraced with at that very moment calmed all possibility to have anything but peace at heart. Life at this time is just what I need…calm.
Today presented me with some challenges I wanted to overcome. I have a hunger that burns deep for knowledge as I am addicted to learning. I won’t allow anything to stand in my way while the words, “I can’t” are not allowed. If there is one thing I have learned is that I don’t stand on the side lines waiting for help…I will find a way to prove myself. There is nothing that I cannot do. My motto remains: if there is a will, there is a way.
My little girl is three years old and only has had one actual hair cut since I brought her into this world. I did cut her bangs a few times myself, but the body and style grew naturally. This summer was the first time I had it trimmed as it was getting a little long. Now having boys is a different story. The up keep is necessary more frequently and not something I was ready for. With that comes double the price tag which is just another blessing of twin bliss. My energy is to meet my children’s needs with the most cost effective way without jeopardizing the integrity of their needs. Funds are not endless here in my motherhood pocket book, which is why if I can find another route to bring ease to the cost of parenthood I will.
With lots of research, reading, and some focus on my belief within I laid out the tools for this new adventure. I wanted to maintain a similar style as their little boy look is beyond adorable. With the use of two guards, a pair of scissors, and a deep breath I managed to present success to a cute hair cut times two. The boys did great sitting patiently and I just trusted myself enough to know that I have always managed to succeed with anything I put my effort into. As I cleaned them up and dressed them they both smiled with great innocence, of that purity of a small child. They are growing so fast and now have those grown up looks to them. My babies are becoming toddlers while I struggle to slow time.
I was filled with pride today. I pulled off a little boy’s haircut that wasn’t a buzz cut. I added to my bank of skills in which can save me not only a trip to the salon, but a debit to my checkbook. Everyday I find new ways to strive at the challenges of raising twins, but more importantly I present great avenues to taking care of my three little ones as a single mother. I have said it many times before, but I cannot say it enough…being a mother is my number one job and my children are my number one priority.
I will shortly head up to bed and finalize my day. I will check on my darlings one last time and run my hand down their backs while whispering, “I love you” one more time. As I reach the doorway to each of their rooms, I will turn and smile as the pride I have glows as I watch my beautiful gifts sleeping. I will place my head upon my pillow and close my eyes with the internal harmony that calms my mind. Drifting into the land of dreams I will pray my appreciation to the life I have…to the gift I truly love.
Lockets of love…Snippets of transition
~Nina~
Today presented me with some challenges I wanted to overcome. I have a hunger that burns deep for knowledge as I am addicted to learning. I won’t allow anything to stand in my way while the words, “I can’t” are not allowed. If there is one thing I have learned is that I don’t stand on the side lines waiting for help…I will find a way to prove myself. There is nothing that I cannot do. My motto remains: if there is a will, there is a way.
My little girl is three years old and only has had one actual hair cut since I brought her into this world. I did cut her bangs a few times myself, but the body and style grew naturally. This summer was the first time I had it trimmed as it was getting a little long. Now having boys is a different story. The up keep is necessary more frequently and not something I was ready for. With that comes double the price tag which is just another blessing of twin bliss. My energy is to meet my children’s needs with the most cost effective way without jeopardizing the integrity of their needs. Funds are not endless here in my motherhood pocket book, which is why if I can find another route to bring ease to the cost of parenthood I will.
With lots of research, reading, and some focus on my belief within I laid out the tools for this new adventure. I wanted to maintain a similar style as their little boy look is beyond adorable. With the use of two guards, a pair of scissors, and a deep breath I managed to present success to a cute hair cut times two. The boys did great sitting patiently and I just trusted myself enough to know that I have always managed to succeed with anything I put my effort into. As I cleaned them up and dressed them they both smiled with great innocence, of that purity of a small child. They are growing so fast and now have those grown up looks to them. My babies are becoming toddlers while I struggle to slow time.
I was filled with pride today. I pulled off a little boy’s haircut that wasn’t a buzz cut. I added to my bank of skills in which can save me not only a trip to the salon, but a debit to my checkbook. Everyday I find new ways to strive at the challenges of raising twins, but more importantly I present great avenues to taking care of my three little ones as a single mother. I have said it many times before, but I cannot say it enough…being a mother is my number one job and my children are my number one priority.
I will shortly head up to bed and finalize my day. I will check on my darlings one last time and run my hand down their backs while whispering, “I love you” one more time. As I reach the doorway to each of their rooms, I will turn and smile as the pride I have glows as I watch my beautiful gifts sleeping. I will place my head upon my pillow and close my eyes with the internal harmony that calms my mind. Drifting into the land of dreams I will pray my appreciation to the life I have…to the gift I truly love.
Lockets of love…Snippets of transition
~Nina~
September 3, 2010
Internal Burn…Soul does Search
September 2, 2010
Feeling much more rested today, I am up allowing my mind to venture the depths of my imagination after my children have been tucked in. Kissing their foreheads, I swept my index finger gently across their cheeks and traced the line behind their ears. The sensitive response reflected from their innocent smiles validates the emotional connection from something as simple as touch. I not only tell them verbally, but nonverbally I communicate my love for them daily. As I flipped the switch off at the top of the stairs, I turned and smiled as my heart was warm knowing they can rest with visions of sugar plums floating amongst their dreams.
Tonight I ponder the communication of touch between two adult souls. When a man and a woman become romantically involved there is a level of nonverbal language shared, that connection of electricity upon her skin as he slides his hand up her arm or the sensitivity he embraces as she caresses his cheek in her delicate hand. There is nothing more powerful then the words that go unspoken.
Lying on the couch I close my eyes and allow my mind to be taken by my imagination…
Standing before the window she gazes to the stars. The room is filled with the soft glow of candlelight, bringing radiance to her complexion while he watches her from behind. Sensing a presence, she glances over her shoulder to see him in the doorway. Looking back to the window she ever so gracefully flips her hair presenting invitation to his grasp. Gliding across the room, he reaches her only to guide all of her hair around to one shoulder. Exposing the vulnerability of her neck into the arm he stands closest too he develops a need to express his physical desire with a nonverbal interpretation.
The sight of her creamy skin begs him to connect his lips to the top of her shoulder. Instantly a sense of lust flows through her body. Remaining taut, her posture is of composure. The trace of his cologne melts her internal being, but control allows her to keep still. He follows a trail of kisses up her neck, while standing behind her, until he reaches her earlobe. Unable to maintain quite he whispers to her, expressing just how beautiful she is. The warmth of his breath on her necks dissolves her reserve and she becomes malleable to his gestures.
Their eyes connect as the position of their bodies become square with one another. Softness molds them as one while the heat rises between them. Silently she pleads for him to hold her tender, to please hold her strong. The grasp he engages in as he pulls her into him is tender, yet dominant. His left hand cups her jaw line causing her head to tilt back slightly while her posture slouches upon the pliable warmth of their kiss does bring weakness to her knees. Running her fingers through his hair the desire burns within them both.
Mutually the strength of their hold becomes bold. The emotional hunger becomes urgent. Needing, wanting to be close becomes the only focus. Placing her hand on his chest she takes the lead while pushing him back until he is sitting on the edge of the bed. Leaning over him she kisses just behind his ear. The sensation of her hot breath surges an animalistic reaction within his core. She closes her eyes as she whispers how much she wants him at that moment.
…the vision captured me with a vivid hold. Upon opening my eyes I am surrounded with solitude, but the warmth of fantasy.
Taking time to understand and visualize that pure connection of heat leaves me a little timid. Though my imagination carries me through a scene of great passion, a vision most women have at one time or another, it excites my question of just how the true sensation of a touch like this will be received by my skin. A moment, an experience such as this will come with deep trust and respect. A foundational love of safety…a love I will wait forever for if need be.
A verse from my heart…
Resting these eyes this she does see
Begging for safety she does plead
Dancing with desire will set her free
Growth within empowerment seed
Do love her tender feathered aloft
Please hold her do grasp her strong
A touch so delicate so very soft
To be with, to love she does long
I may be alone, but no more am I fearful of the loneliness. Patience is a virtue, a quality necessary to be used through this adventure. I will not force or press the process of romance. I will appreciate the visions I have and understand that someday, somewhere a love of purity awaits me.
Fable for now…Innocent does fantasy
~Nina~
Feeling much more rested today, I am up allowing my mind to venture the depths of my imagination after my children have been tucked in. Kissing their foreheads, I swept my index finger gently across their cheeks and traced the line behind their ears. The sensitive response reflected from their innocent smiles validates the emotional connection from something as simple as touch. I not only tell them verbally, but nonverbally I communicate my love for them daily. As I flipped the switch off at the top of the stairs, I turned and smiled as my heart was warm knowing they can rest with visions of sugar plums floating amongst their dreams.
Tonight I ponder the communication of touch between two adult souls. When a man and a woman become romantically involved there is a level of nonverbal language shared, that connection of electricity upon her skin as he slides his hand up her arm or the sensitivity he embraces as she caresses his cheek in her delicate hand. There is nothing more powerful then the words that go unspoken.
Lying on the couch I close my eyes and allow my mind to be taken by my imagination…
Standing before the window she gazes to the stars. The room is filled with the soft glow of candlelight, bringing radiance to her complexion while he watches her from behind. Sensing a presence, she glances over her shoulder to see him in the doorway. Looking back to the window she ever so gracefully flips her hair presenting invitation to his grasp. Gliding across the room, he reaches her only to guide all of her hair around to one shoulder. Exposing the vulnerability of her neck into the arm he stands closest too he develops a need to express his physical desire with a nonverbal interpretation.
The sight of her creamy skin begs him to connect his lips to the top of her shoulder. Instantly a sense of lust flows through her body. Remaining taut, her posture is of composure. The trace of his cologne melts her internal being, but control allows her to keep still. He follows a trail of kisses up her neck, while standing behind her, until he reaches her earlobe. Unable to maintain quite he whispers to her, expressing just how beautiful she is. The warmth of his breath on her necks dissolves her reserve and she becomes malleable to his gestures.
Their eyes connect as the position of their bodies become square with one another. Softness molds them as one while the heat rises between them. Silently she pleads for him to hold her tender, to please hold her strong. The grasp he engages in as he pulls her into him is tender, yet dominant. His left hand cups her jaw line causing her head to tilt back slightly while her posture slouches upon the pliable warmth of their kiss does bring weakness to her knees. Running her fingers through his hair the desire burns within them both.
Mutually the strength of their hold becomes bold. The emotional hunger becomes urgent. Needing, wanting to be close becomes the only focus. Placing her hand on his chest she takes the lead while pushing him back until he is sitting on the edge of the bed. Leaning over him she kisses just behind his ear. The sensation of her hot breath surges an animalistic reaction within his core. She closes her eyes as she whispers how much she wants him at that moment.
…the vision captured me with a vivid hold. Upon opening my eyes I am surrounded with solitude, but the warmth of fantasy.
Taking time to understand and visualize that pure connection of heat leaves me a little timid. Though my imagination carries me through a scene of great passion, a vision most women have at one time or another, it excites my question of just how the true sensation of a touch like this will be received by my skin. A moment, an experience such as this will come with deep trust and respect. A foundational love of safety…a love I will wait forever for if need be.
A verse from my heart…
Resting these eyes this she does see
Begging for safety she does plead
Dancing with desire will set her free
Growth within empowerment seed
Do love her tender feathered aloft
Please hold her do grasp her strong
A touch so delicate so very soft
To be with, to love she does long
I may be alone, but no more am I fearful of the loneliness. Patience is a virtue, a quality necessary to be used through this adventure. I will not force or press the process of romance. I will appreciate the visions I have and understand that someday, somewhere a love of purity awaits me.
Fable for now…Innocent does fantasy
~Nina~
September 1, 2010
Back to School...Foundational Years
Today was the first day back to school for the students in my community. As I drove to work I saw the sidewalk volunteers awaiting the trickle of little feet to venture in to the adventure of a new year. The warmth that flowed through my veins came from the arrangement of my own school year memories and my future first day as a parent as my daughter will be starting a year from now. The moment the classroom becomes filled marks the transition of summer to fall. A favorite season of mine, the cool, brisk breeze and array of hues the fall leaves will bring is all a scene of harmony.
The shift from one season to another can mimic the shift within one’s ambitions, efforts, and goals. Moving from day to day may cause a rut, but looking in the mirror to reevaluate the circumstances can bring focus within. Today may feel like an imperfection with hopes that tomorrow of great brilliance. Looking over the past months my experiences drifted change just as winter to spring and spring to summer. What will await me from summer to fall I don’t know, but I anxiously wait with anticipation for great things.
For some that don’t know, earlier this summer I suffered a tough injury to my leg causing me to lose out on the rest of my softball season and the half marathon I was training for. I was devastated as it seems that everything I work for gets ripped away from me, but I relaxed with refocus on the fact that I can make new goals, train for a new race, and it could have been worse. Working back into things I am now at a point of transition as I can return to my training regimen. Back to the basics for me…new focus to my running goals.
Tying the laces to my shoes I stepped back into more than the miles of endurance. I again grasp the pavement of strength…of courage. It doesn’t matter what tries to knock me down or stop me from my goals. I keep getting up, dusting off my knees, and searching deep within for that vault of stamina. My destiny is of great things, of radiance. My future, whether it be fitness or my professional goals, is of a rare gem. The luster of my soul shimmers bringing a desired glimmer into this world.
As I move into my new training regimen I am excited for the miles I can cover both physically and emotionally. My dreams are my motivation. My imagination surfaces the routes of effort to reach my goals. My belief carries me like that of an eagle’s wings soaring through the open sky. Tomorrow a day of mystery, but only for a few mores hours, soon it will be a reality of new challenges to strengthen my essence.
Believe, Dream, Imagine
~Nina~
The shift from one season to another can mimic the shift within one’s ambitions, efforts, and goals. Moving from day to day may cause a rut, but looking in the mirror to reevaluate the circumstances can bring focus within. Today may feel like an imperfection with hopes that tomorrow of great brilliance. Looking over the past months my experiences drifted change just as winter to spring and spring to summer. What will await me from summer to fall I don’t know, but I anxiously wait with anticipation for great things.
For some that don’t know, earlier this summer I suffered a tough injury to my leg causing me to lose out on the rest of my softball season and the half marathon I was training for. I was devastated as it seems that everything I work for gets ripped away from me, but I relaxed with refocus on the fact that I can make new goals, train for a new race, and it could have been worse. Working back into things I am now at a point of transition as I can return to my training regimen. Back to the basics for me…new focus to my running goals.
Tying the laces to my shoes I stepped back into more than the miles of endurance. I again grasp the pavement of strength…of courage. It doesn’t matter what tries to knock me down or stop me from my goals. I keep getting up, dusting off my knees, and searching deep within for that vault of stamina. My destiny is of great things, of radiance. My future, whether it be fitness or my professional goals, is of a rare gem. The luster of my soul shimmers bringing a desired glimmer into this world.
As I move into my new training regimen I am excited for the miles I can cover both physically and emotionally. My dreams are my motivation. My imagination surfaces the routes of effort to reach my goals. My belief carries me like that of an eagle’s wings soaring through the open sky. Tomorrow a day of mystery, but only for a few mores hours, soon it will be a reality of new challenges to strengthen my essence.
Believe, Dream, Imagine
~Nina~
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